Young Writers Society

Foggy, a swirl of white and blue,
a jammed up flow of thoughts,
memories he can not control.
Memories that stab,
like the knife
that bites his skin at night, the
scars on his arms, the medicine of his viens.
The things that try, the pain he uses to attempt to
stop the memories of his past, the shamefulness he feels,
and he
goes by the
name of
"Newt."

Hey there!

First of all, the title:I think there was a typo there. I think you meant "His" instead of "Hs"?

The poem, as a whole:Well, the poem as a whole was really nice. Though, it would have been better if I knew what was going on. Why were these thoughts haunting him? What did he do in the past? What kind of person is he? Since I haven't read your novel, I don't exactly know the answers for these questions.

Nitpicks: As I said earlier, I haven't read the books so I don't know the answers to my above questions. If you look at it from a person who hasn't read your book, it seems a bit incomplete. Maybe if you could give some details and/or flashbacks as to what happened in the past, what he did?

Memories that stab,
like the knife
that bites his skin at night, the
scars on his arms, the medicine of his viens.

The lines that I have highlighted are slightly confusing. "Like the knife that bites his skin at night"? I think it is a punctuation error here, but that line doesn't make sense at all. A knife can't bite. A punctuation mark can actually change the entire meaning of a sentence. Take this sentence:

The panda eats leaves, and rests.

The panda eats leaves, (eats his favorite meal -> leaves) and rests. (and after that he sleeps/rests)

If I add a punctuation mark after 'eats', the meaning changes to:

The panda eats, leaves, and rests.

The panda eats(nomnom), leaves (takes his leave) and rests. (Goodnight!)

So, be very careful with your punctuation marks.

Nitpick two: Now, this is what confused me the most about your poem. While I read it, I felt sad, pained, and every thing the character did. I thought you would end this poem with something tragic, like his death, or something like that. But you end with:
"and he
goes by the
name of
"Newt.""

Ah, okay? His name is Newt. Okay then. Newt. Newty boy.

You see, this is kind of an awkward ending to a poem, as it seems very incomplete, and kills the atmosphere the poem has created. Perhaps you could change this to a better ending?

Hope this helps!
-TwistedMuffins.

Hi! What an interesting idea for a poem. I'm not sure that it's the most marketable, but hey, what a fun idea!

Line-By-Line

Title: It needs fixing! I guess it's supposed to say 'His mind is' but even then it isn't very interesting and a title is what draws your reader in. The better the title, the more people will decide to check this out!

Foggy, a swirl of white and blue, [This line isn't very strong. You're giving us too vague an image which isn't a good way to start as this sets the feel for the rest of the poem.]
a jammed up flow of thoughts,

[I'm going to play with your wording here because I'm struggling to explain what it is about this line that could be strengthened. It would be more effective as: 'a blockage in the thoughts'. This is because in yours there isn't a focus, it's an image just thrown out there but mine centres in on the blockage, giving a clearer image. Blockage is also a more powerful word in the terms of sound.]

Memories that stab,
like the knife
that bites his skin at night, the

[These lines are much stronger! They get directly to the point and the increase in tempo works really well for you.]

scars on his arms, the medicine of his viens.

[I'm not sure that medicine works here. You know your novel better than me, but as far as the poem goes, the ironic tone isn't strong enough to convey that the 'medicine' is drugs. Or at least I presum it is? Basically some confusion here and question as to the effectiveness of this image.]

shamefulness - Weak word! I'd advise switching it up for something like guilt or even shortening it to shame.

The Ending

Okay so I think that could have been stronger. Actually I'd rather you started by telling us that his name is Newt and then leaving your ending for a revelation that's going to mean something to the audience. Think of poetry as being very much like a novel: character isn't enough alone. You need climaxes, revelations; simply put you need plot. That's missing from this at the moment. What we get is too vague an image to put the pieces together and know much of this person's life, where they've come from or are going to.

Overall

It's a good idea but you need to make it more interesting for your audience. You have to remember that they don't know what happens in your novel or what relevance these details have so use the poem to tell a mini story, to give us a little slip of the events or the feelings from a scene of your novel. Nothing too much, just a bite of plot to go with the character design.

I hope this is useful!

Heather xxx