Young Writers Society

As with any poem I write, I have no idea if this is worth anything or not. If you think I should scrap it and start again, then I most definitely will. If you think it's amazing then I've obviously learnt a lot since my last attempt.

---

As it begins, they sway –
hands grasping for the ceiling amidst a suffocating
mass of bodies that slams to every drumbeat.
Eyes alight with a frenzied fire, flashing under the strobe,
their glistening necks
jerk –
pulled by strings weaving a rhythm across the room.
Tangles of limbs slide and smash,
desperate paws scrabbling at
bodies, cadavers, puppets.
He, on a pedestal, surveys his herd
and capers like a schoolboy whilst they, his rats,
writhe and tense their bodies in anticipation.
His flute – spinning disks mashing up dark sounds,
surrounded by metal buttons gleaming in the dark.
When the piper stops the music they still,
they stand,
gasping for him to lead them into a state
of unknowing and unconsciousness,
so that they can dance some more.

---

Thanks in advance for any help.

The idea behind this is really good, and it can be really hard to write about stuff that's going on in our modern world because 1. most people don't want to hear it and 2. most of those people don't want to hear it because the people who are talking about it make it sound preachy or whining. Here you get your message across and make it relateable, but at the same time it's fun to read. Anyway, yeah, I like it.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

AquaMarine wrote:As with any poem I write, I have no idea if this is worth anything or not. If you think I should scrap it and start again, then I most definitely will. If you think it's amazing then I've obviously learnt a lot since my last attempt.

---

As it begins, they sway – You don't need to say as it begins, the reactions of "they" is to whatever happened.
hands grasping for the ceiling amidst a suffocating
mass of bodies that slams to every drumbeat. I like this but it's just too wordy. And I don't see why mention their hands, since you give it no signifcance. Also the people are moshing to the drum beat, but their hands are in the air too? So, they're either moshing poorly or two stepping(flailing your limbs). Neither sound like they really fit this. Since you can't two step and mosh.
Eyes alight with a frenzied fire, flashing under the strobe, Why mention this? It seems a bit random and unneeded.
their glistening necks
jerk –
pulled by strings weaving a rhythm across the room.
Tangles of limbs slide and smash, You've restarted the poem. Right here. Well, at the "Their glistening necks" line would be your new start. Because it's pretty much describing the same thing, and better yet, it also describes how the music is affecting them. This makes what is above seem useless.
desperate paws scrabbling at
bodies, cadavers, puppets. Aren't bodies and cadavers the same thing? And if they're puppets, it's once again the same thing? So why mention all three? Take out two and leave your favorite.
He, on a pedestal, surveys his herd There's no flow from the idea of the people being puppets of the music, and then you go and say he's a sheep herder. You broke away from your initial metaphor and went into one that is more cumbersome. What makes it cumbersome is that it has to be described more because it's a new metaphor kinda thing. You can leave a lot more out if you expand on a previous metaphor. So, it would be better to stick with one metaphor and to use and develope it throughout your poem.
and capers like a schoolboy whilst they, his rats, Now they're rats, sheep and puppets. I am getting confused on how I am supposed to think about this. You really need to just pick one, or make enough connections between them all so that they can be better used in place of one another. Like sticking with the animal metaphors and making the dj some form of animal tamer? Something that can still be brought back to the main idea of a master and relates to both metaphors. Also, I don't see how a school boy fits togeather with them being rats, unless they're in his home.
writhe and tense their bodies in anticipation.
His flute – spinning disks mashing up dark sounds,
surrounded by metal buttons gleaming in the dark. Lol, why is there a fluet here? Better yet, what importance is this? Is his fluet spinning these disks? Is he spinning them on the fluet? Why is it here?
When the piper stops the music they still,
they stand, If they're still, they're standing, you don't need both.
gasping for him to lead them into a state
of unknowing and unconsciousness, You don't need both, especially since one almost contradicts the order. If you're unknowing, it kinda hints to being awake and unconsciousness makes me think of being asleep / knocked out. You should pick one.
so that they can dance some more. A very boring ending.

Over all: This is a simple poem that has been over described(will be talked about later) in a complex way, which hurts it.

You've said they dance and he controls it. And you've made connections between this with a few different things that lack connection between eachother. Rats and sheep, those are kinda connected but the puppet is off on it's own. It's like an incomplete web. You have the core and it's brances but then those go nowhere and it just doesn't hold togeather.


Also speaking of them dancing and being controled: You've needlessly repeated this. I think you just have too much of the same description going on here.

You can pretty much make this into a 7 line poem with roughly the same things being said. Just hit your major points, like the music and how it makes the people dance and then how he controls them. Don't spend so much time describing what he does to the music, because that's not important. It's about the music and the people, not the dj and the music.

Or just scrap it and start this all over. If you plan on scrapping this, think of this poem as an essay. What is needed to be said? How can you say it? Where can you take it? How can you bring it all togeather?

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways of improving my reviews;
Silented1.

I like your poem very much! I read it and it seems like the words of someone in deep thought, observing the world around them, I love it! It makes me think, you know?

It can get a little confusing, so you might want to be a little more strait-forward with it. But not to much, you want the reader to have a little wiggle room to attach personal experiances to it.

All in all, i liked it and keep up the good work!

- Lillian

I really like you poem and its insightful approach to someone buried deep in their thoughts. I especially like the symbolism and similes you used throughout the entire poem. It does seem slightly confusing, but that might just be me because I usually find most poems confusing!! The part at the end "so that they can dance some more" is quite a finalising statement, and could possibly be broadened some more as to make it less dull, but it does string in to the rest of the poem quite well, which is why perhaps just adding a little more could add the emphasis it needs.
In this poem, you have said several things which could be left out, and the poem could be shortened slightly and yet still portray the same image. I do like and admire the idea behind this poem, nonetheless, and I don't think you should scrap the whole thing and start again, but rendering it slightly could improve its quality and significance of message.
Keep writing and good luck,
AlucardXD