Young Writers Society

[Too short, I know.]


I know the corners of his mouth,
they bleed, they blaze, they search you out -
you are the smoke he talks about, the
dancing smoke amongst the tears that
stain countless days through countless years.
You, you are the one he fears.
The nightmares rage his pulsing mind,
for you're the one he wants to find:
you, the whore he left behind.

I'm loosing here in overtime.

I don't really know what this is about, but I love the language! (And anyways, for half of well known poems don't you have no earthly clue what's going on until you read the footnotes or forward?)

In the first stanza, it seems to me that you're talking about an ex. It is very clever how you reveal how the man thinks about the ex through the language of the poem (esp. the word "whore"). You don't need to directly state this, but instead work it in to the forward rhythm and momentum of the language.

The bit about corners of his mouth goes over my head...are you referring to how the memories of certain people can control our facial expressions?

I think you could crop off the last line and miss nothing, the first stanza can stand well enough alone!

I know the corners of his mouth,
they bleed, they blaze, they search you out -
you are the smoke he talks about, the
dancing smoke amongst the tears
staining countless days throughout countless years.
You,
you are the one he fears.
The nightmares rage his pulsing mind,
you're the one he yearns to find:
you, the whore he left behind.

I'm loosing here in overtime.

I just changed a few words around up there. The language and general imagery of the poem was fantastic. I like the mystery behind it. However, the last line doesn't seem to correlate with the rest of the poem. If you just nixed it all together, I think the poem would be more complete. Also, it's not too short. I actually prefer shorter poems that pack more emotional punch. Keep writing!