Young Writers Society

A dark little piece I mustered, you see. My English professor is a fan of A Rose for Emily which touches on necrophilia and I thought, hmm. What's something dark that she'll appreciate? Imagine now, a poor gal falls into a coma after an altercation with a vehicle. A male dotes on this particular patient.

Darling, divine’s grasp soft –limp and lame
Emaciated, gaunt like a corpse
Lover’s face is held in place debased in shame
A pale smile muted without force

To shine dully like empty doe eyes
After the soul leaves, they do –hit and run
Autoists speed by, they are a lil’ shy
The doe and her vitality done, gone

Lithe grace my mistress carries her self -love
Gradually she grows tall and proud with help
Careful grooming when it is time, my dove
When it is time to, you will see me and yelp

Watching from afar, one day you will see
And it will be too late for you to scream

Hey Reason!

(Pre-warning, I don't usually review poetry.)

In whole I like this. The language is beautiful and I like the concept behind it, but I do think there are issues.

"After the soul leaves, they do -hit and run / Autoists speed by, they are a lil' shy" - These two lines seem really weird to me. The incident may be about a hit and run, but the phrase doesn't fit at all, no matter how poetic you try to make it sound.

"When it is time to, you will see me and yelp" - Really? XD Imagine the sound of a yelp. It's more attributed to a small animal, from a person a yelp usually sounds more comical, like when you jump out from behind a wall and scare them. I get the impression that this line is here just for the sake of rhyming.

Like the rest of the poem, I like the idea behind the last two lines but they don't quite fit together, and the rhythm is completely thrown.

I think there is definately a poet in you, but we all have different styles that we're better or worse at. In this it seems like you've tried to smush one style into the mould of another, and the result was a selection of fragments and holes. Keep trying different styles, or study this one a little more. Undoubtably - keep writing

This reminds me a bit of "My Last Duchess," as if the narrator is telling the reader about the object of his affections, and slowly but surely one realizes that things are a bit..."off" in the scenario.

I wish I had a better sense of the time or place this poem is set in, because the language and formality make me a bit unsure. Consider evening this out? (Especially "lil" makes me question the locale.)