Young Writers Society

I should have asked for the universe;
strewn upon a diamond platter with
a still beating heart- preferably yours-
but I didn't, because I see that you breed
disappointment and cling to your failures
to avoid drowning in the sea of your mediocrity.

You live in dreams; forever black and white
with sepia overtones and whisper in Arabic
because you see a language seeped in pain.
you do not care--or perhaps you care
too much, this lack of knowledge is stifling.

I tear at my skin to keep you from running
because I know that the angst keeps you
in check, you'll do what I want if you get
your fill. It's cancerous, your need for both
hate and love at pious intervals.

You have dried the blood from my stream, and the tears from my ducts.
Love me like the perfect flame, and leave ashes where I'll reside,
this way I'll never love another.

Interesting thing you have going here, I like it! It made me think a little bit and that first stanza REALLY got me.

First off I have no complaints what so ever about flow or rhythm which I'm a stickler on, so bravo. Your descriptions are very good, along with you puncuation of things. Anywhoo

-So your first stanza, brilliant, amazing, wish I would have wrote it, love it! Your flow, comma placement, rhythm just spot on.

-Second stanza, now I get a little let down because I'm loosing your concept... the first two lines I like, the others although beautifully written have started to confuse me as a reader.

In my head I'm thinking(disclaimer obviously everyone's take on a poem is different so I might just be totally wrong haha);

Okay so the narrator is seeing the worst in somebody they care about(or someone they don't like, not sure there). Then the narrator describes that this person lives with their head in the clouds, they're kind of child-like, not learning from their failure/mistakes, and seeing in only black and white.
And then this Arabic thing comes up and I think okay maybe this peron cares about the Middle East and does things to help it, but the narrators not sure whether they're sincere about it or not. Or maybe they just don't seem sincere about things or they seem over-sincere..

-Third stanza, again I'm kind of lost, but you find me again in your last two lines, so then I get the rest of the stanza.

-And then your last stanza works well, sums everything up nice and simply, brings it full circle some would say

So I don't know if this could be considered an edit, I would more call it something you might find interesting about how readers interpret your poems. But take what I said as a grain of salt because you were obviously coming from an emotional place writing this, so the poem was more for yourself then for all of us here at YWS Hope this was at least a little interesting otherwise you just spent a minute of your life reading something useless haha!

-Keep writing I really enjoyed this, Bryn.

You know how sometimes something is so beautifully said that it sticks in your head for days? Yeah. Those are your opening lines.

I should have asked for the universe;
strewn upon a diamond platter with
a still beating heart- preferably yours-
but I didn't

I almost want this to be where the stanza ends, almost Dorothy Parker-esque in vengefulness.

because I see that you breed
disappointment and cling to your failures
to avoid drowning in the sea of your mediocrity.

I don't quite understand what this bit means as a whole, but I love the pieces of breeding disappointment and clinging to failures.

because you see a language seeped in pain.

Seeped sounds lovely with breed.

this lack of knowledge is stifling.

Is the narrator or the subject being stifled?

You have dried the blood from my stream, and the tears from my ducts.
Love me like the perfect flame, and leave ashes where I'll reside,
this way I'll never love another.

I wish that the language here and line length matched more with the rest of the poem. I like the idea of love like a perfect flame, but feel that it could be elaborated on a bit.