Young Writers Society

Part of a collection of poems inspired by uncommon strangers


Flicking glass with cold fingers,
Though eyes are better
For communication.
She does not see me,
A girl in the red door cafe.
Words stuffed through a phone,
What does she see?
A job, a firing,
A husband, a wife,
A divorce, or friend
Maybe?
How lucky she is;
Billboard hearts
Detached and floating,
Strangled by wires,
Into tunnels and out,
Lost in heavy smog.
How lucky she is,
With separate minds
And no disease.
Only inherited adaptions
And fleeting infections.
Disconnections
Another missed connection.



Part 2 coming soon...

Talkingbird,

Great work! I thought that was a very nice and impressive poem, well done. I thought the character of the stranger was described excellently, as they really don't seem to have any connections which you yourself did point out. It's interesting actually, the lines:

A job, a firing,
A husband, a wife,
A divorce, or friend
Maybe?

they really give you a feel for the disconnectedness of the character. I love every line after those ones, and cannot fault them in any way. The only nitpick I have is

For communication.
She does not see
Me.

I thought that was a bit strange and disrupted the phone, I looked by could not find a good reason for why you shouldn't have the single word 'Me.' in the above line.

Overall, you've got me interested! Can't wait for the remaining poems, but so far, excellent!

Angus.

This is very good. It pulled sadness from me because a lot of the time I think we see each other not as people, but as how we want to see them. We don't know all their troubles, feelings, and thoughts yet we think we know them, and we don't take any time to consider how one action made by us can really effect them so greatly. I'm only telling you this because I love to see what other people got from my poem, because it is usually drastically different than what I was thinking about at the time. Am even close to your thoughts as you wrote this?

How lucky she is;
Chameleon hearts
Detached and floating,

I'm not sure how 'Chameleon hearts' works into this poem. It just doesn't seem to fit for me. You say 'chameleon heats, detached and floating', but then you say 'strangled by wires' and it just doesn't make sense. You have to be one or the other, right?

How lucky she is,
With separate minds
And no disease.

This made me stumble a bit. I reread it over quite a few times and I still don't see how 'separate minds' and 'no disease' have enough in common to be grouped together like that, but I guess it is your poem.

Disconnections
Another missed connection.

I loved the ending to this poem. It really made the poem resonate with me, and it left me thinking about what this poem meant in the world so good job! I think poems are made to make you think anyway. I haven't reviewed poetry in a very, very long time so please forgive me for the shortness of this review.

Hope I helped,

- Calli