Young Writers Society

Nature Poem

The sky above me is dark as pitch
Enjoying the view makes me feel so rich
I look into the horizon and see the city lights
And up at the stars golden pn pricks oh so bright
The views everywhere I lo so stunning
As cars drive on the road I hear their tires humming
The wind wraps me in a cool embrace
Sending strands of hair into my face
The sky is cloudless yet I see no moon
Oh do I wish he would appear soon
A telephone wire reminds me of the web of a spider
Here comes the fog I bet the moon is behind her
The crickets sing their own little song
How I yearn to sing along
I look and see my driveway down below
Across the street I hear coyotes at just a stones throw 
A cry goes up from the wild crew
A howl of mourning or an animal to chew?
I love the place where I live
I give to it and back it gives

I'm going to be honest here. There were a few spelling errors which you may need to attend to. I liked the imagery you put in this poem especially when you said "Here comes the fog I bet the moon is behind her" as this is the slightest detail which everyone knows happens but you've been able to capture it in a poem. Also, I think if you separate your poem into stanzas, it will be more appealing. But well done and keep trying!!!!

Thanks you I rather very much appreciate you input. I'm new to poetry and only started for the unit in school but found I enjoy it and am good at it. Yes I will attend to spelling errors but thank you so much for helping me out by giving your two cents.

Hey there, Ren.

Here to lend a review!

Now, as for a few smaller notes I wanted to make before I get into the thick of your actual poem: 1.) I'm not sure why you didn't separate this into stanzas. It's simply one large chunk, and visually there's not much to cling to other than the fact that while reading this there's no break until the very end. No separation of feelings and ideas. 2.) Your rhyme scheme was very young. All that aa, bb, aa, bb can seem far too repetitive to take seriously. I might suggest taking a different angle at rhyme approach if you're willing to go there. Mix it up, get a little more complex in the rhythm of your words and your audience will be eager to pay attention. 3.) I found it distracting how you capitalized the beginning letter of every line as well as left punctuation to dust, so things seemed so monotone. It really suffocated things. There wasn't much space to breath through your words, and the only guide I had was your flat rhyme scheme.

Now, as for the actual content of your poem.

The sky above me is dark as pitch

As an opening line, I can't say I'm too fond of this. But since it's only an opening line, I want to encourage you in saying there are easy ways this can be improved. First off, don't aim to recite the plain and obvious. You don't always have to in poetry. You can be as expressive with words as you aim to be. First off, think of other ways you can describe the sky above you. What other words can you use to describe the sky? Any intriguing metaphors? Though, if you like the first half of this opening line, at least aim to end it strongly. 'dark as pitch' sounds so dry. I feel like you could have done so much better in describing how dark the sky is. But the sky isn't only dark you see. It is an infinite home of many stars and galaxies reaching far beyond the human eye. It's not very dark, but rather filled with much more light than you're able to assume with the naked eye or a simple glance. So you see, this line is rather lacking. As a reader, my mind can wrap its head around so much more. So give your readers more with a great opening line.

Your following line is much more appealing in comparison I feel, despite its simplicity. Perhaps it was the part 'makes me feel so rich'. It's very open-ended in a good way. You leave it up to yourself and your audience to unravel how the words make them feel. I wish you might've done that in the opening line as well. Or at least make it a recurring quality.

I look into the horizon and see the city lights
And up at the stars golden pn pricks oh so bright

What's pn? I want to think you made a typo of the word on, but saying 'And up at the stars golden on pricks' sounds odd. The first line here sounds appealing, but the following line does absolutely nothing to follow up with it. The sentence is queer and I'm afraid I don't understand it, Ren. D: A shame. Perhaps you could enlighten me on what you meant. I see you were describing something, obviously, but I don't know what. And assuming I did, I'm not sure you did a cohesive job of being descriptive.

The views everywhere I lo so stunning
As cars drive on the road I hear their tires humming
The wind wraps me in a cool embrace
Sending strands of hair into my face

As for this chunk, I suppose I'll go ahead and break it down line by line. As for you first line: 'everywhere I lo so stunning'; another typo, and it's quite distracting in regards to my comprehension of what you're saying. I want to think you mean 'The views everywhere I go are so stunning', but that in itself sounds less like poetry and more like a typical sentence. The second line is much better, but you're a bit too simple still. Try to feed more imagery to your audience. Feed more color and vibrancy to their minds. O.O The third line here is perhaps my favorite so far. I think that line is win as a matter of fact. The only issue is that there simply aren't enough lines like this entwined in your poem. You should be feeding them to your reader on a constant rhythm. It should also come natural like breathing. Your last line, for the sake of rhyme, makes sense. But it doesn't do anything for me visually. I think you could have described it more intricately than how you did here.

The sky is cloudless yet I see no moon
Oh do I wish he would appear soon
A telephone wire reminds me of the web of a spider
Here comes the fog I bet the moon is behind her

This first line is an example of you simplifying an idea you could have taken so much further. You could have obviously gone so much more in depth that it makes me despise the bare approach you took in saying things flat out just the way they are. Be bold. Don't hold back in explaining anything. You have all the room in the world to make a mark with words. Don't hesitate and simply fall short. As for the second line, it's perhaps the only point you mention the speaker referring to anyone, and so I have to say it seems out of place in comparison to the rest of the poem. The third line does not coincide with the following line after it. They're absolute opposite things to be said, so why must you say them in such close proximity? Keep your coherency and throw rhyme out the window if it helps. Nine times out of ten it does.

The crickets sing their own little song
How I yearn to sing along
I look and see my driveway down below
Across the street I hear coyotes at just a stones throw

The crickets bit is cute. But I'm afraid that's all it is to me. It's not very mature, but perhaps you decided to leave maturity out of this? Seeing as your descriptions are so naive and young. But perhaps you could have used that to your advantage a little better than the way you did here. The next to lines seem to once again fall a bit flat for me. :[ Nothing very catching to my eye. I have not much to say.

A cry goes up from the wild crew
A howl of mourning or an animal to chew?
I love the place where I live
I give to it and back it gives

Here, I'm not sure what you mean by 'wild crew'. And 'an animal to chew'? What is that suppose to mean exactly, for I'm not sure. It doesn't stitch itself in well to 'A howl of mourning' very well either. Not much to say about the two final lines, mostly because I feel I'd simply be repeating myself, and I hate to tell you something I've already mention one too many times. You'd probably be like 'H'okay, I get the point, Smylin.' xD Just keep in mind that you don't ever want to say outright what you're meaning to portray in a poem if it's going to hit the reader so blunt and transparent. I don't think you quite nailed foretelling as much of the meaning as you could have before explaining this is why you love the place where you live. Your closing line leaves me misinformed as well, for you never quite mentioned what you give to it.

Anyhow, I hope nothing I said came off sounding in any way too blunt or harsh. I really think you should work on some of the things I mentioned. If not in this poem, a future poem. It would only mean the world to see another writer take advice I give and use it to better their writing in some way. May it be big or small. So yes, I hope anything I mentioned may be of some help to you! If you have any questions, concerns, or comments, feel free to get at me in a PM.

-Smylin'

Yea. No worries. Thanks. I meant pin, not pn so it was meant to be pin pricks, my apologizes for the typos.