Young Writers Society

[removed]

I would like to think I had something to do with this (the posting of the poem, not the poem itself, of course.) Or more likely it was a case of apt timing. Lovely, obviously, there is a fluidity about your poetry. It really is undeniable, I couldn't stop my hungry eyes even if I wanted to. But I had read this before, though not across the medium of YWS, and Kylan on YWS is better thant Kylan on Boundary Waters, because your work here is prequalified. Hand crafted then hand picked by the craftsman -- well that is how I perceive, though it may be a chronological matter, latest is best.

With that being said, well done. As usual a fine read. Of all your work lately, I still prefer Commerce it seems much more literal, or rather the metaphor(?) is such a consistent smooth ride that one does not move beyond it until it is over, that is when the thinking begins. Here I found my thoughts being tugged one way than the other, I forced myself back from the brink of confusion, clutching at hints, deciphering the significance of

the resting cheeks
of orange trees

's

I'm a prose man, so of course I will settle for the long rolling metaphors, it's easier and I don't like to get left behind.

JP

This was great. Admittedly I didn't get most of it, but I don't really care too terribly much about that - I like to read poetry for the sake of reading poetry, and if I happen to get a message out of it, that's great.

Anyway: You had some awesome imagery, which I loved. Also, I specifically liked the ending - that there is more to haiku than just "five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables" - which, I mean, technically there is more to any poem than just the rhythm or rhyme (it bothers me SO MUCH when people sacrifice their meaning just to get a rhyming word). Like I said before, okay, I still don't really understand, but I just like that anyway.

I'm afraid this didn't help much, but at least I let you know some of what's working, even if I can't think of anything in this that doesn't really work.

~Blue

Mornin’, Kylan.

I wrestled with myself for a while before deciding to review this; I’m unsure if I’ve reviewed you before, actually, but that doesn’t matter. While there’s not much to push into a critique here—I’ll explain—I do have a place or two that I want to discuss, and a couple of questions that may shed light on places that could benefit from tightening or loosening.

So to begin with, I want to say that this is my favorite piece from you. It has the Kylanesque flow with the Kylanesque descriptions, but without the Kylanesque thickness that turns me off from some of your work. But come to think of it, you don’t often throw out these streams of consciousness, and the mental lyricism here—that becomes oddly heartfelt in the ending—takes the reader effectively from Japan, to Oregon, and onto a tarmac where you suspend this odd feeling of incompletion.

But in that respect, it is complete, and it evokes thoughts, without a doubt. Right. Before I continue this rant—at least, I feel like it’s going to be a weird one—let me knock out a couple of things.

could in fact be a breakaway land mass from the Northwest

This part effectively killed your flow; I’m unsure if it was intentional or not, but I’d rather hope not. It’s not very pretty, and if it’s intentional, it’s poorly placed. I’m sure you could mold it into something better with just a passing thought.

The major undertone that I got from this—the plot of the poem, at least—involves the military, which I didn’t expect. I grabbed it on read #2 at “a blade’s scram through coarse hair”. Then “storms through laundry” and the plane ride hit quite well with my understanding, though I may be worlds off.

Further down, you have a wind-down in your flow that I’m certain was intentional, and for that, I have to say that I swore when I read it because it was so well-executed; however, despite its service to your flow, I get lost in the message of

the resting cheeks
of orange trees

Care to elaborate? It seems I’m not the only one, looking over your reviews so far. It just feels like it should be significant. But dear God, man—that wind-down. God.

When you hit back up with “today I learned”, it feels too elementary. It works—don’t get me wrong—and it breaks back into your stride well enough, but it just comes across in a different voice. One that’s too blunt to be Kylan.

But yes. I’m going to wrap it up now. The trees and the land mass are really the only things I wanted to drop into your lap. I hope this helps, so let me know if you have questions or comments, or want to explain the orange trees.

-Lumi