Young Writers Society

Hey all. Yes, this is another poem. Don't even ask. I was bored. Criticism welcome and appreciated. Enjoy.


The Sound of Distant Thunder

A heartbeat is precious for the living,
the sound of distant thunder
for a soulless beast without a beating
lump of meat inside her chest.
And whose breath only rushes in and out
because she is cursed and lifeless,
immortal, undying and forever frozen
as she was since the beginning. Feared,
but only for what she was and now is.

Don’t you wish you didn’t ask for all now, my dear?
Don’t you wish you had run when given the chance?

A beginning which was not kind nor free
of stains, blood and sweat,
and tears; the mud that streaks her skin.
Sin, that she asked for and yet
never feared would be given. Cursed to darkness
and that which stains the night, and howls
sorrowfully to the full moon in mid-flight.
The sound of distant thunder, a sweet
yet sour kind of music to her ears.

Was it all that you had wanted, my dear?
Was it everything you dreamed it would be?

I really like this one.

The thunder is a great motif. It feels creepy, and, in the context of the poem, gives me chills. All of the imagery is that vivid. I can tell that something extremely dark is happening here...not exactly what, but maybe that is the nature of "the beast".

It flows extremely well. Your word choice is great, and I like how you separate the stanzas with questions in italics.

The only thing I didn't love was this line:

for a soulless beast without a beating
lump of meat inside her chest.

It sounds really good...all the "b" sounds are harsh and feral and angry and great. But I had to read it a few times to understand the phrase. Maybe it could be shifted to some less confusing ordering.

Aside from that, I have no real criticism. It was great; keep up the good work.

I loved this piece. It had a good flow, and the title is relevent to the overall point in the poem. I loved the description of the woman, and the italic feels like I'm getting a look into her mind at the questions she is asking herself. I also liked how it rhymed every other line-it gave a good rythm and made it easier for me to read. All in all, really, really great poem. Keep writing!

Hey.
First I’d like to begin by how breathtaking your work is:D
someone mentioned that your writing is angry and harsh, but that’s what personally appeals to me in this poem. You understood the underlying meaning of the storm, and storms aren’t meant to be welcoming and calm, but ruthless and fuming. You captured that essence in your writing.
I loved it.
great great work!

oh, and not to mention the fact that your terminology in terms of *THUNDER*, your flow, your description was marvelous:)!