Young Writers Society

They meet in secret, to nurture forbidden love
Two hearts striving for another and beating as one
He aches to hold her; her softness in his arms...
She needs his strength, to keep her steady.
They find bliss in one another, heaven in the other's eyes...
To live together in peace, to love each other in harmony;
Their wish is granted.
Because two hearts are striving for another, aching to beat as one;
Can fight no more, and give in to the power of love.

So overall I thought this poem was definitely meaningful.
However, I thought the 'thee's and 'thou's were kind of odd. The rest of poem is written in a more modern way, and the first and last lines really conflict with that. I also don't totally see a point in actually repeating the first line again. I would suggest just scraping it and leaving "Because two hearts are striving for another, aching to beat as one." It's a pretty short poem, so I suggest you make it as powerful as possible, since you are describing this couple's eternal bond.

Good job, keep writing!
-Jane

Alright, so, this is short. Give it length; give us background on the character and the story. It's too short to get into, and there really is no premise. Make sure to give it emotion as well. Poems thrive off emotion and the readers want to feel everything your characters go through. Make sure to play with the reader’s sense, describing the feel, or the sound or the scent of things.
I’m a sucker for old-fashioned romantics like this, so I really enjoyed the lovers’ aspect of the story. Expand on it, though, or else it’s slightly cliché. What is your characters back story? Are they star-crossed lovers, destined to fall on love? Or did one originally hate the other?
Expand on it by expanding on the poem.

~Wickedwonder

Hmmm... I think this needs a bit more originality. It was a little cliché, although it has good potential for some strong emotions. I thought the title and that line itself is catchy, although the rest of the poem needs to be fitted for that language. The flow is just okay.

When you use ellipses (...) please stick to three. With more, it gives a very unprofessional feel, and annoys the heck out of me. Though it isn't about me - it's about making your poem better.

So, all in all, this is a good start. The ideas need expanding, the characters need a story, and some imagery would be nice.

Thanks for the read,
-Dai

Hi, Circle! I don't think I've read anything by you before

Wherever Thee be, Thou art shall be there;

I was a bit confused by this. Doesn't "thou art" mean "you are"? So now it would say "you are shall be there"...? Am I missing out on something?

Two hearts striving for another and beating as one
He aches to hold her; her softness in his arms.......

Way too many ellipses here. The correct usage is three (three dots make one ellipsis), as someone has already pointed out before me. Hearts beating as one is a rather used expression, so while it's all nice and romantic, I'd suggest replacing it with something a bit more original.

She needs his strength, to keep her steady.

Why is there a comma here? If you want to emphasise the pause, you could make "to keep her steady" have its own line, I think.

They find bliss in one another, heaven in the other's eyes........

Same thing here about the ellipses, if you will.


This is a sweet description of love that would most likely win the heart of anyone one could be courting, but I hate to say that as a poem it's quite clichéed. Most of the expressions you used (hearts beating as one, bliss, heaven in each other's eyes, etc.) have already been used, and that makes it more difficult for the reader to grasp the idea of a thoroughly original poem that has a unique feel to it. Granted, the expressions work -- that's why they're used so much. But you want to create something of your own here, right? Just think of new ways of describing the ordinary things we've used to. It gets easier and easier as you go.

Good luck!


Demeter
x

Hi, just a few general tips on poetry since Demsi seems to have given you some specific comments!

Old Poetry

Okay so by this I mean poetry that's written in an archaic form with thees and thous. Now don't get me wrong, this sort of poetry does have a place in modern society, but you have to treat it right. You have to research into it and learn when it's right to use a thou or a thee. There's a lot of rules on that sort of thing and you made a lot of mistakes here so what I'd suggest is doing some research, reading archaic poetry or novels or letters, or anything from that period of history. It will be slow going at first because like all rules, there's a lot of exceptions and some room for being liberal. But in the meantime, practise writing poetry in the modern tongue, a language I'm sure you're more familiar with

Ellipses

These are the ... things that you've been using. You should try to avoid those in poetry and if you must use them, make sure you keep it to three dots. An ellipse is always three dots long, okay? But dashes are prefered in poetry because they're sharper and more immediate. If you want a longer break than a dash, go onto another line. That's the poet's form of ellipse!

Well there you go, just thought a few poetry tips might be of some use to you. Good luck with your next venture!

Heather xxx

I really liked this poem. It was nice and romantic and sweet. I liked the title a lot, it made me really want to read the poem. Using old english words like that for me means something magical. I don't know why but I started to like writing like that.

Couldn't see any mistakes. Looks perfect to me!

Deanie x