Young Writers Society

This is my first attempt at some haikus.

Alone in the woods,
wrapped in the arms of an oak,
a hermit sleeps well.

Behind a barbed fence,
a fox stalks his flustered prey.
Squawk!- hunger is gone.

Through the trees she flees,
baby clinging to her flank,
As poachers pursue.

Hello PollarBear! Around here I am a bit of a (self-appointed) haiku guru, so allow me to have a look at yours.

First, if you haven't already, may I humbly suggest you read my how-to-haiku guide in the poetry discussion section?

Second, these are pretty darn good. I'll take them one at a time.

The first one is particularly excellent. All the technical elements are present, and the image is a good one. Three things I think make this one good: first, the personification of the oak is clever. Efficiently done, and subtle. It doesn't seem at all contrived. Second, the hermit sleeping well. Again, a very efficient development of the hermit. Third, the slight twist at the end. "Alone in the woods" is somewhat foreboding and menacing, but the quality of the hermit's sleep and his implied contentment dispel this, and gives the whole peace a very pleasant atmosphere. One suggestion I do have regarding this one though; change the punctuation slightly. As the comma at the end of the second line is the obvious keriji, it would flow better if it were stronger than the mark at the end of the first line. Either weaken the first line (by removing the comma) or strengthen the second line (using a semi-colon or colon). Other than that, I think you've nailed it with this first haiku.

The second one is passable. The scene is quickly established, the structure is fine (although I would suggest removing the comma at the end of the first line - it's redundant), the technicalities are all accounted for. But it's lifeless. It's just one idea, and very predictable. It's like a crime-scene photograph in that it instantly paints the whole scene, conveys all the action, and leaves the audience feeling a little stunned. There is no twist, no suggestion to leave the audience in thought. If the first haiku can be likened to a Rubik's Cube, the second one is a jig-saw puzzle that a kindergartener might tackle. It's basic, and over much too quickly. Perhaps the prey could escape?

The third one is better than the second, but not as good as the first. First, another small comment regarding keriji; your intention is a little ambiguous here. Decide whether line 1 or 2 is the cut, and strengthen that line or weaken the other. Putting the cut in either spot will work, but you just have to make a decision about which it will be. Second, the season is undefined. "Tree" is ambiguous; without a descriptor (fallen leaves, naked branches, new shoots etc.) it doesn't fit into any season. "Baby" is arguably a Spring kigo, but 'baby' generally refers to baby birds, which are traditionally noted for their cheeping. While it is true that the haiku poet endeavours to leave something to the imagination, I think you've given the audience too little with this one. It shouldn't be too hard to fit the appropriate seasonal word in there Third, the ending of this one is much stronger than the second one. The open-ended scene is good, and the ambiguity of the characters is also good. One suggestion I might make though; perhaps change "poachers" to "hunters". This forces the audience to wonder if the hunters are human, or predatory animals. Just a suggestion

All in all this is a remarkable first attempt at haiku. The first one is currently my favourite, but with a bit of polishing I think the third could be better yet. Finally, the plural of 'haiku' is 'haiku'

I really enjoyed reading these, and I hope I've been helpful. As always, message me if you want to discuss it further

K.

I always had problems making up haikus but you did good. Hope to see more soon!

I loved all of these. Definitely great for a first attempt. You should have seen mine. They were laughable. But, then again, I was in seventh grade. Anyway, my favorite one was the middle one. I liked your use of onomonopeia in the last line, with the SQUAWK! It was creative and served as a focal point for the poem. Also, I liked the way you personified the trees, saying the hermit was wrapped in their arms instead of just saying branches, in the first poem. All in all, these were great. You should give yourself a pat on the back. I look forward to reading more from you.