Soldier's Lullaby

Crawl off to sleep with your gun in your bed
To guard you from nasties and mutated men
Who think they know passion, think they know love -
You'll show them, my hero, my death from above

Hey there, ancientforever. I'm Izon, and I'm going to do a quick review of your poem.
Truth is... I like it. I like its simplicity and its attitude. But I feel it's a little short. If you could make this more than one stanza, maybe three or four, I think it could be fabulous. As it is, it doesn't quite cut it. It feels like you got the first two lines in your head, skipped a bunch of thoughts because you didn't know how to word them, then threw the last two out there. I think you could fit so much more into this. Maybe even begin with something else, and put this stanza at the end. Start with what the Soldier wakes up to, goes through, his struggle...
As for the last line, as well, it seems to not fit with the rest. I don't understand what it's saying or what it means. Who is this person speaking? Where did they come from? Why is the soldier his/her hero? How did this person die? What does "from above" mean? It sounds like a cheesy line thrown in to fit the rhyming scheme.
I see so much potential in this little poem, but as it is it is incomplete. Work at it! Add more! Tidy up! I'd love to see it finished.

Good evening, ancient!

I’m going to be very, very honest with you when I say that this needs some serious focus. Your progression of thoughts changes tone from line to line, and it’s a very displeasing progression, in my opinion. You start off with this subtle, almost sweet wisp of a lullaby (with a mention that, oh, there’s a gun in your bed), and then drop into an elementary description of bad people. Now, obviously this can be a nod to ‘monsters in the closet’ or any number of things we encounter as children, but you bring in the ‘mutated men’ to add to this image, and it really makes me cringe as far as warfare relations go.

Are you referring to the enemy soldiers as mutated men? Is that a direct insult to those who oppose the soldier?

This gets solidified in the next two lines when you almost take on the persona of a god? It’s confusing—and it takes this poem in a number of directions: none of which I like. And I think that’s the icing on the cake as far as why I don’t like this poem…because it seems to combine warfare and religion into one slimy package…one that’s not pulled off well.

So. How do we fix this? We first sort out our ideas. Sort out what sort of images you want in this piece—not mutated men, I hope—so that you can deliver one concise message. Correct your grammar and syntax throughout the piece—act as if you were writing this formally, or don’t use it at all. And then decide whether or not you really want to push these two heavy-hitters together. War and religion are very hot right now, and it’s likely that you’ll get burned if dealing with both together.

With that said, I want to ward you off from the awful rhyme in the end. “Love—above”. I think it’s the reason that you hit that note that I don’t like. Don’t be afraid to take more time with your poetry to avoid mess-ups like this…because it really messes up your whole game.

So, really, I wish you’d focus on this being a lullaby for a soldier instead of a slam against enemy soldiers. Does that make sense? Re-route your ideas and see what you can come up with. Best of luck,

-Lumi

Thank you both - this was a very quick work of mine, shorter than most, and I had no clue where to go with it. I'll probably edit it for focus and lengthen it over time, but I really wanted an idea of where to go with it, and you've given me that much at least. Thank you very, very much.

A little disappointing . . . While the poem flowed well the sentences were random. While they stayed on beat, they didn't make any sense. Who's this "he"??? A friend, family, angel, lover??? Are the "mutated men" actually mutated, or just a saying for the "big bad soldiers." The mood of the poem varied. Get Your Thoughts Together. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

Hey ancient! We meet again! =P

I actually really like this! It's short, sweet, and to the point. I love the idea, too. My favorite things to write about are usually things like this, that are difficult, and have heavy emotion behind each word.

My only real critique, and it can't really be called that, is to write more of this! I'd love for this to have room to develop and grow into something even better. Right now I feel like you've got a great hook, and an effective one, because I want to read more, but at the end I'm kind of just getting geared up for a great story and then bam, it's over. If you write more of this, please let me know! I'd love to see how it turns out.

ancientforever wrote:Crawl off to sleep with your gun in your bed
To guard you from nasties and mutated men

Okay I was a little taken aback here. The first line and second line seem disjointed almost, because the tone seems to jump from sombre fearful image to a rather twisted one.

Who think they know passion, think they know love -
You'll show them, my hero, my death from above

Then you switch to this? The poem itself seems like four unrelated lines, you need to focus on one idea and explore it. Play upon it's elements and build up images with a single, smooth, theme. Because as it is you jump around too much, and successive lines remove the effect of the prior because they are contradictory images, and the set of terms used belong to different themes. This can be strong, the juxtaposition, light against dark and so on, but you fail because it all happens to quick, it's not contrast because it is too stark, too glaring and difficult to really get an image.

anyway hope that wasn't too harsh, I think this has potential but it does need work.

JP

Hey there AncientForever!I really enjoyed the short, sweet, and to the point stanzas of this poem! They captured a dramatic mood very well!

ancientforever wrote:Crawl off to sleep with your gun in your bed I absolutely LOVE how you used the word 'crawl' at the beginning. Very descriptive and I can really capture this scene in my head
To guard you from nasties and mutated men'Nasties' was a VERY good word as well! Great job!
Who think they know passion, think they know love -hmmm... I think maybe you should add "who think they know love" instead of ",think they know love" maybe it's just me, but it seems to fit better
You'll show them, my hero, my death from aboveThis stanza right here left me a bit confused... I think maybe you should have given clues throughout the poem on who the "my" is in this poem... it just caught me off guard and made me have to read it again

This is pretty much all I have to say about this! Great job once again, I really enjoyed it! Keep writing! BRAVO

Hi AncientForever!

Okay, this is going to be a quick comment...

This poem sounds a little strange. For one, it doesn't seem clear of who you're talking about or in what way. In my first reading of the poem, I was wondering whether you were trying to talk ironically or what about the soldiers in a derogatory sense. And then I wondered if you meant to portray the soldiers as children. And then I wondered by the last line what you meant at all. It felt like (to me) that you kept on switching moods every line.

What I wondered about this poem was, in the last line, who was the speaker? Like I said before, it seems kind of random because suddenly someone (presumably dead) pops up and asks the soldier to show his/her death from above? It just seems a bit weird. I mean, is the speaker dead? How can this soldier show this from above? It just logistically doesn't really make any sense.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. Hope this helps.

Hey there, all!

First, you all can call me Chelse - or, if you can't remember Chelse, Anci is okay. Just shorten it.

Second, thank you for the suggestions and the comments.

And finally, the last line does sound confusing when I look at it like I didn't write it, but "death from above" is meant to be an endearment for the subject, not as the direct object for "show". I need to see if it would be possible to convey that clearly...

I really loved this poem, it was simple and it flowed well. I really enjoyed it not only because I like things that have to do with soldiers, but also because it was well written. I don't really get how its a lullaby, but that doesn't really matter in my opinion since that's the only nitpick I can find and point out. Great job keep up the great work. 5 owls out of 5.