I don't really have a suggestion for the last line, but...
I thought this was all right, but too rushed. Maybe you could organize it better so that it wouldn't just be reading through a bunch of words. There were some good phrases that I caught, but it was hard to tell because it was hard to read.
Thanks for the suggestions, emoition less, I'll take it on board! O:)
Anyone else care to comment? Or is it really not worth it????
<big puppy dog eyes...>
I didn't think these meshed in with the poem well:
I'm just a dreamer, living in the land of the dead,
I'm not not a believer, I am a deceiver.
I think it's because, at this point, we're not sure that you love knives and cutting, etc., so it ends up giving the reader a "huh?" feeling.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Are you a great listener of Eminem, because I was reading it aloud and it sounded so much like him.
I think the lyrics were a mixture of many things all meshed up together, but that was quite interesting.
I can't do titles lol Oh well...
I agree that it is a bit messy, but to a certain extent it it supposed to be...read the first couple of lines.
I sound like eminem...? Right. Great guy, but a bit of a whinger, so I'd don't like that comparison!!! But thanks anyway!!! x Snoink...I'm not entirely sure what you mean by me 'loving' knives and cutting etc....? Care to elaborate?
I really liked this, for it reminded me of the time high-schoolers came to our school and read their poetry... VERY DEEP
ANYWHO
STANZAS!!!
I can't tell you how many times I've seen a very good piece found not to be very good because of bad organization!
Without stanzas, it's hard to read and hard to follow, like reading a school assignment.
When you begin, we're not sure who the narrator is. As the poem develops, you learn about the narrator, etc.
I guess what really bugs me is the lack of parallelism. You go from saying "I am" to "I am not." It sounds awkward...
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
<big puppy dog eyes...>
Oh well...
