Her Story (for lack of a better name...)

There is a sign of hopelessness,
This girl falling in desprateness.
A love she thought, was honest
And true, her desires and fantasies
Fogged the truth.

All she wanted was love to be given
For just one person
To tell her she is worth it.
But no matter how hard she tried,
No love was available for her eager eyes.

Now she sees life, with
Cold black eyes.
And a heart made of stone,
No light in her life.
She sees the darkness
That she felt inside
She watches it spread
Thorugh the city life.

She sees its result,
And stands there to laugh,
Some one can understand her pain,
At last.
Her bitter laughs, chill the air.
With her breath
The darkness is there.

Even though the darkness gives her strength
To stand there and fight through the days
A need to weep, seeps down to her soul,
In need of relief, she lets it go.

Confusion fills her hardened mind,
As her eyes begin melting in sighs.
With trails left by her tears,
Washing away the saddened years,
She looks to see any sign of hope,
Just a simple flicker to guide her home.

And there it stood, a simple flare,
Spreading through her darkened lair,
Of deserted dreams, and haunting memories
Giving its warmth in the places hard to reach.
As it grows, the brighter it gets.
Leaving no room for darkness and regrets.

...I jus started typing randomly...let me know what you think please!

The first thing I want to say is, I really love this poem. It has a wonderful idea and story. It also needs a lot of revision and editing. This does seem like a first draft. Some of time published poems are just first drafts, but not usually. I think you have a great beginning here so it won't be hard.

General comments take these seriously, but sometimes it might just be my style in this part of the review I say anything that pops into my head.

babygirl12 wrote:There is a sign of hopelessness,
This girl falling in desprateness. These first lines totally turned me off. First of "made up word alert!" I hate writers who feel they have to make up a word. Especialy because it seems as though you are making it up just so you can rhyme. Am I correct? This makes the poem seem really fake. It also makes it feel as though you had to stop and think before each rhyme. You don't even need the first to lines to rhyme because after that you don't.
A love, she thought, was honest
And true, Should be period and capital letter. her desires and fantasies The "and true" part of this line sounds choppy. It seems stuck on.
Fogged the truth.

All she wanted was love to be given.
For just one person,
To tell her she is worth it.
But no matter how hard she tried, I highlighted "she is" because for the rhythm I think it would be better she's. I highlighted "But" because I think it should be discarded.
No love was available for her eager eyes.

Now she sees life, unneededwith
Cold black eyes. I don't like how you say eyes twice at the end of lines so close together...
And a heart made of stone, She sees life with a heart made of stone? I wish you would say something different like, feels life with a heart... or something.
No light in her life.
She sees the only darkness
That she felt feels? inside
She watches it spread
Through corrected spelling the city life. I don't get this line.

She sees its result,
And stands there to laugh,
Some one word one can understand her pain,
At last.
Her bitter laughs I want a more discriptive word. What does her laugh sound like? Also, it would sound better because you just said laugh two lines ago., unneeded chill the air.
With her breath
The darkness is there. The last line of this stanza also doesn't make sense to me... :/

~~~

With trails left by her tears,
Washing away the saddened years, love these two lines they are my favorite out of the whole poem.

Please forgive me, but I am kind of confused about the meaning of this poem. I mean in the middle you say someone understands her, but then you seem to ignore that, but later you talk about a flare. I am really cunfuzzled. Maybe you should try to make it clearer. I don't know, maybe it is just me. Do you even know what your meaning is?

Look closer at your poem. Read it carefully. Do you want to switch tenses. You go back and forth. I am not sure if that adds to the story, but if you don't think it does you should fix that.

I guess that is all I have to say. All I can suggest is read and reread. Make this not a first draft, but a second, third, maybe even a forth refined one.

A. S.

I really like this! It feels very honest to me, so it's probably good that you left it as your first draft. I really see where you're coming from. Only a few nitpicks...

No love was available for her eager eyes

Was it for her eyes or for her heart? Her soul?

Confusion fills her hardened mind,

Is it her mind that's hardened or her heart?

You overuse the words "dark" (and "darkness") and "life" in this poem - try to change up your imagery in later drafts. Other than those few things, I really enjoyed this poem. Good job!

-Liz

Umm........... wow...... I loved it! Great work! It's amazing to find so much talent on this site from such young writers. YOU JUST STARTED TYPING THAT!?!?! I could have sworn it was from experience or something.... Wow.

Anyways, for critiques I had very few things, I was preoccupied with reading so I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. :/ That's considered a compliment right?
So my only things were small. I don't think Desperateness is a word... though I'm very probably mistaken.

The second and last thing was watch your word repetition. You only did it once here

No love was available for her eager eyes.

Now she sees life, with
Cold black eyes.

Now, I understand why but it still makes it a bit choppy with the word, "eyes" twice so close like that. That's all I got... Hope I helped at all.

Keep up the good work!
Tyler

Thanks!! x) I haven't written anything in forever!! I think I should change that! Thank you so much for your compliments! And Yaah, I see that it sounds choppy, like I said though, I just started typing..I haven't edited it yet...and yess I know desperateness is not a word..x) But it would help if it were! lol. Thanks again!!

I thought this piece was very interesting. How you transitioned from something realistic, to something fantastic.
Continue your awesome writing!(:

Thank you!! x)