Bubbling

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simplycomplex
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Tue Sep 28, 2010 10:13 pm
simplycomplex says... · Tue Sep 28, 2010 10:13 pm
Sort of a random poem I wrote kind of recently. Feel free to rip it to shreds if you wish to, but I'd really appreciate some tips on how to improve. I hope you like it. :)

Bubbling, bubbling,
A white sea of foam.
Happily, happily,
through it my child roams.

Oh, how careless these days
When a bathtub of bubbles
Was an intricate maze.

Smiling, giggling,
Everything is fun.
But sore arms, back ache,
When I clean the bubble scum.
Do we not all agree to call rapid thought and noble impulse by the name of inspiration?
- George Eliot


"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart."
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Calligraphy
Gender Female
Points 12193
Reviews 275
Wed Sep 29, 2010 2:17 am
Calligraphy says... · Wed Sep 29, 2010 2:17 am
words I would take out

Bubbling, bubbling,
A white sea of foam.
Happily, happily,
through it my child roams. This line made me think of a beach not a bath tub. This line also doesn't go with the rhythm.

Oh, how careless these days

~~~

Smiling, giggling,
Everything is fun.
But, sore arms, back ache,
When I clean the bubble scum.


Hope I helped,

A. S.
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