I am smiling at you ...

Hi, this is my very first poem and I just wrote it on the go but it might be a bit rusty, however it does express my opinion.

Thanks everyone for your constructive comments. I have to admit that this poem "in particular" is better with punctuation however I always remain of the idea that punctuation is not a MUST in poetry. Thanks again
.................................................................

I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?!

My face is just like a mask
Why don’t you ask?

With my mask I can almost do anything ...

I can cover my anger,
I can pretend I am happy,
I can hide my feelings,
I can also be someone else

I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?!

You laugh, you cry, you get angry
But you are always you,
Not afraid of what they are going to say

I am smiling at you now you know why.

Hi, there.

First off, I like the statement you're making in this poem; it's a bit injured and defiant and angry, as if the narrator is finally tired of someone not noticing him or her. I think your poem expresses the feelings of many who are ignored or misunderstood.

A couple things: I noticed that two of your lines rhymed while the other ones did not.

Iamnotperfect wrote:My face is just like a mask

Why don’t you ask

I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I would remove the rhyme to make things more uniform.

Three lines also caught my eye:

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?!

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?!

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you now you know why !

I think you could add some punctuation in the middle: for example, try adding a colon after "at you."

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you: did you ask yourself why?

For your finishing line, I might do the same:

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you: now you know why !

As a finishing touch, I might also add periods at the ends of your sentences, so that it's a little more precise.

This is a very good first poem; I like how well you expressed your feelings. Keep writing!

--Glim

I really liked this poem, it reminded me of myself. It really speaks to how most of are, waking around with masks hidding our true feelings.
-HersheyPie

Glimmerglass wrote:Hi, there.

First off, I like the statement you're making in this poem; it's a bit injured and defiant and angry, as if the narrator is finally tired of someone not noticing him or her. I think your poem expresses the feelings of many who are ignored or misunderstood.

A couple things: I noticed that two of your lines rhymed while the other ones did not.

Iamnotperfect wrote:My face is just like a mask

Why don’t you ask

I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I would remove the rhyme to make things more uniform.

Three lines also caught my eye:

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?!

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?!

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you now you know why !

I think you could add some punctuation in the middle: for example, try adding a colon after "at you."

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you: did you ask yourself why?

For your finishing line, I might do the same:

Iamnotperfect wrote:I am smiling at you: now you know why !

As a finishing touch, I might also add periods at the ends of your sentences, so that it's a little more precise.

This is a very good first poem; I like how well you expressed your feelings. Keep writing!

--Glim

Hi thanks for your constructive comments

However my rhyming in one of the stanza's was intentional. Also I know punctuation is very important in general literature but I believe that having punctuation in poems is not a MUST since this type of writing shouldn't be constrained, especially in this case

Nice piece.. especially if you don't do much poetry. I would recommend adding some more punctuation in the lines themselves (not at the ends of them), and maybe reducing some of the repetition. It seemed a little overdone to me. I would also add in more a story.. this is a great deal of unexplained emotion, however well done the emotion is. The rhyming scheme is a bit inconsistent, which can throw off the reader a bit.. I would recommend throwing in some more couplets or making that one rhyme a little bit more subtle. Overall, a good write.

Nice, I liked the idea of it. Oh and welcome to YWS! Here are a few pointer tips in the future,

Iamnotperfect wrote:Hi, this is my very first poem and I just wrote it on the go but it might be a bit rusty, however it does express my opinion
.................................................................

I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?! (Go with stanzas and punctuation marks; do you see what I did below?)

My face is just like a mask,
Why don't you ask?
With my mask I can almost do anything....

I can cover my anger, (This as if nothing else in this poem stood out to me the most, try a different approach than just the 'I Can' thing, it fell through the cracks here a bit.)
I can pretend I am happy,
I can hide my feelings,
I can also be someone else.

I am smiling at you did you ask yourself why?!

You laugh, you cry, you get angry. (Good use a commas here.)
But you are always you,
Not afraid of what they are going to say...

I am smiling at you now you know why !

Overall this was good for a start, if you have any questions on reviewing message me or go to these links the help you get started....topic13842.html this is all about critique another's work. Also, topic57651.html have a great time here and check out those two info pages! Keep writing and good luck!