The Robot Girl

Wires all over me,
machines that help me breathe,
A heart that can be seen on a screen,
Is this a life I should lead?

My life destroyed aged seven,
in a coma until I was eight.
Now I only just survive;
catching breath like fireflies.

I watch the rain fall down my window;
they might as well be tears
the doctors give me morphine,
to drown out all my fears

Part robot, part girl,
I am an alien to this world,
I think I can see the light over the edge,
My wish is only death.

My mother holds my hand
and covers me in tears,
the doctors turn off my machine,
as my last breath disappears.

I'm crying. I literally am.

Shows how much I love this poem. It's so sad, how she's lost after such a short time. *sniffles* How can your write such a sad, beautiful poem?

One thing that seems unrealistic is:

retrodisco99 wrote:Hit by a car aged six,
In a coma until I was eight,

Wouldn't they have declared her dead once she was in a coma for a year??

That's all. Keep *cries* writing...

Lavvi

Thank you. I have changed it to a better age I think.

I'm thrilled you like it.

Thank you.

~Retro Disco666

I think the age is better, but this is definitely one of THE best poems I've read here on YWS

Lavvi

I think this could be one of the best I have ever wrote.

Hey retrodisco,

I enjoyed this -- the metre was good, the rhyme scheme was nice, and the concept was pretty cool. You pulled it off really well.

What I can say, however, is that it's pretty basic in its story. It's more of a short tale than a poem, a little anecdote. There's no real search for extra meaning within it and it just exists as it is, a tale of a girl getting hit by a car, going in a coma, and dying. The robot angle was good, but that's all there is to it.

Hopefully next time you push the boat out a bit more and try for more advanced constructions.

I really liked this. It told a story in just four stanzas that was really powerful. And I absolutely love your title!

This poem is so poignant -- there is nothing I can say to criticize it, which is one of the greatest compliments you can get from me. I have always thought that if there was one fate worse than death, it would be a situation similar to that of the robot girl. I especially like the simile: "catching breath like fireflies." Well done!

Very nice, Retro. It's a pleasant little poem about tragic death that has a nice rhyme scheme and makes the reader feel like crying...maybe.

But, as always, there is room for improvement! Ch-ch-ch-check it:

Wires all over me,
machines that help me breathe,
A heart that can be seen on a screen,
Is this a life I should lead?

Nice entry. The stanza sets a scene and also poses a question. However, the first impression I get is a lack of punctuation mastery. Comma, comma, comma, question mark. In a short-story format, it would say: Wires all over me, machines that help me breathe, A heart that can be seen on a screen, Is this a life I should lead? Something I always find effective is to write the stanzas in paragraph/sentence format. So you may end up with something like: Wires all over me; machines that help me breathe. With a heart that can be seen on a screen, is this a life I should lead?

Hit by a car aged seven,
In a coma until I was eight,
now aged twelve I just survive,
catching breathe like fireflies.

The first line has a misplaced modifier. It says that the car was seven years old. It's easy to fix, really. Just move the adjective 'aged' to another spot. But I'll let you figure out where to place it.
Again with the punctuation issue. I want you to flaunt your literary omniscience in my face and make me gawk at your perfect punctuation. Now... The last line, 'catching breath like fireflies.' is my favorite line of the poem. Perfect imagery, in my opinion.

Part robot, part girl,
I am an alien to this world,
I think I can see the light over the edge,
My solitude will be death.

There's neither anything particularly bad about this stanza, nor anything particularly good. It just seems like filler to me. Nothing that hasn't been inferred already. BUT: "My solitude will be death" seems...off to me. In simpler words, it says, "My isolation/silence/aloneness will be death." It just seems overly dramatic/morbid to me.

My mother holds my hand,
and covers me in tears,
the doctors turn off my machine,
as my last breath disappears.

Punctuation! It killed this stanza for me. But, when I try veeeery hard and look beyond the punctuation, I nearly cry because this stanza is perfectly-written content-wise.

So, yeah. I really liked this. I did; I did; I did. Just take into consideration the tips I gave and let me know if/when you update it!

Best of luck and keep writing!

-Lumiface

Great, it is such a great poem and it is written in first person. I will never forget this one, I will recommend it to all my friends.
I never imagined that one could write such a great thing with this plot.

Keep writing...

Heyaaa

'Cause I'm cool, I'm going to review this for you. I'll start off the review with any nit-picks that I have for you, or any grammatical errors that I come across. I'll also give you a stanza by stanza critique, I think. I might be a bit harsh on this critique because you've got a lot of people saying how much they loved it. Therefore, I'm going to try and be picky and point out and flaws that I see so that I can hopefully help you.

Wires all over me,
machines that help me breathe,
a heart that can be seen on a screen.
Is this a life I should lead?

This was a pretty good stanza, I suppose. I like the idea of it as a whole and I think that it's a decent start for the rest of the poem. My main issue though is that... well, it's kind of boring. To me, it sounds a bit like you're actually listing things because of the commas and the format of it. Plus, I'm not really feeling any emotion in this. The main reason for that is because you're telling us things, but not really showing us. The beginning stanza of a poem is very important; it's what draws the reader in and makes them want to read on. Without a strong beginning, the rest of the poem can suffer. I'm not saying that this beginning is terrible and you should scrap the whole thing, no way. I basically think that you should be a bit more daring with it. Don't be afraid to create some great imagery or describe how the voice of the poem is actually feeling. You're telling us what the girl is seeing but you're not showing us what she's feeling. You're not telling us what she can hear, taste, smell or feel either. Remember that there are five senses, not only one.

Hit by a car aged seven,
in a coma until I was eight.
Now aged twelve, I just survive,
catching breaths like fireflies.

Okay! Now this stanza is an improvement. I absolutely adore the last line. Why? Because it's some lovely imagery and you're showing us what the voice of your poem is doing, not just simply telling us. The first few lines still have a bit of a "list" feel to them. Except for the last line, this stanza is still telling us what happened to the girl. You're saying that she was hit by a car, she as in a coma for a year and now it's a struggle to survive. That's sad and everything, but you're not making me feel the sadness. Tell us about how she wishes that she could be like everyone else, how she wishes that she could dance in the rain or whatever... Don't just tell us what she's been through, tell us how that's affected her as a person and how it's made her feel. Instead of simply saying that she was hit by a car, try and be more creative about it. If you can make it obvious that she was hit by a car, but never use the word car once, then I will be impressed. The only way you can do that is by showing the readers what happened and not choosing the easy option and tell us.

Part robot, part girl,
I am an alien to this world.
I think I can see the light over the edge;
my solitude will be death.

Now, this stanza is certainly one of my favourites. You have done exactly what is needed in the last two paragraphs. You've shown, not told. You've created imagery that is both interesting and original. Your grammar still wasn't perfect but the stanza is certainly an improvement since the last two stanzas. Another reason why I like this stanza is because you're describing the girls feelings. You're telling us that she feels like an alien, that she doesn't feel as though she belongs anywhere. It's also rather clear in this stanza that she hates being the way she is. You did hint at this in the previous stanzas. Besides, after hearing about what this girl went through, it's pretty obvious that she wouldn't be the happiest person in the world. What I'm saying though is that you're showing us that she hates being the way she is in this stanza, not just hinting at it. You've also expanded your vocabulary a bit, which is always a good thing. My only real negative comment about this stanza is the grammar and format. Considering the grammar is a bit dodgy, the effect of the stanza isn't as good and powerful as it could be. I've fixed the grammar for you though, so it's all good. If the correction is a 100% correct is beyond me... I'm not entirely sure about how grammar works. I think I've corrected it properly though.

My mother holds my hand, Don't need this comma.
and covers me in tears.
The doctors turn off my machine,
as my last breath disappears.

Although I think that you could ahve written this in a more powerful, effective way, I like this as a finishing stanza. I think this is mostly because I like the idea of it. Well, I don't like the idea of the girl dying, it's hardly something to sing and dance about. I like how it finishes the poem off though, if you know what I mean. The idea of this ending is certainly good. As for technicality, it's half and half. You've got some imagery in this, but I think that you could expand it. I like what you said about the mother's tears, that was a great description. It's a good opener for the stanza. It's the rest of the stanza that I feel you're letting the poem down a bit. I'm certainly not saying that this is bad, I'm just saying that it could definitely be improved. The one thing that's really been missing from this poem is emotions. I mean, come on, the girl's dying! She's bound to be feeling pretty emotional. I would be... Obviously, if she's dying, she's not going to be very aware of things. Therefore, you don't need to describe her senses perfectly. How does saying feel though? Is it hurting her? Is she scared? Worried? Anxious? Lonely? On the other hand, is it peaceful? Is she happy? Excited? Curious? Pain-free? You're obviously not going to know what dying feels like, but pretend you do and write it into this.


Overall

I am confident when I say that this poem certainly has a lot of potential. The idea of it, as a whole, is very good and you could do an awful lot of things with it. It's a situation that is emotional, heart-breaking, interesting, and loads more. What I think that you did best is the idea of the poem itself. It's not overly original but it's not one of those annoying poems about love and junk. They bug me. In the places where you have used imagery, shown and not told, and used emotions, you have done it really well. If you expanded that into the whole of the poem, this could most definitely be a beautifully, heart-breaking poem. After reading this, I can see that you quite clearly have potential, we just need to suck it out of you. Not literally... Although there are good points to this, there are also areas where you could improve on. When you do use techniques like imagery, you d it very well. The only problem is that there isn't an awful lot of it in this. It feels as though you're listing things that happened to this girl, not telling her story. Maybe I'm just cold, I don't know, but this poem doesn't really make me feel anything in particular. Sure, the subject of it is sad, it's just not getting through to me though. I think that's partly because of the telling, not showing, aspect of it. As for your grammar, it wasn't great but it wasn't bad. I have certainly seen worse. When it comes to your spelling though, it's all good!

My first critique is going to be about the telling and not showing. Like I've already mentioned, you do show and not tell at times. When you do show and not tell, the results are good. You can come up with original imagery that is effective and pleasurable to read. I just wish that there was more of it. In my opinion, the first stanza was the one that lacked the most imagery. It felt as though you were reading a lost or something. As well as the lack of imagery, it was also because of the format and grammar of the stanza. You were saying that the girl was covered in wires, attached to machines and had her heart on a screen. That's lovely and everything, but why not be a bit more creative about it. Tell us how her life was dedicated to a machine, how every single heartbeat on the machine felt as though it beat too soon. How the wires were like strings attacked to her body as though she was a puppet and they controlled her life, her every move. That kind of thing. Don't be afraid to try new things and expand your descriptions. That's what being creative is all about, in my opinion. Trying new things and not really caring about what other will think. If you want to show and not tell, it's pretty simple. Don't tell us that someone is sad, show us by describing body language, facial expressions and things like that.

My other critique will be about the use of emotions. The use of emotions kind of fits into the critique on the showing and not telling thing. I will try and help you out though. Considering this is such a serious, powerful subject, the emotions are extremely crucial when trying to make this as good as it can be. It's not that you're not portraying any emotions at all in this, it's just that they don't feel strong enough. I get the idea that the girl doesn't like the way she lives, but that's about it. How does she feel when she sees other kids her age living as though they've got nothing to lose? How does she feel when she overhears doctors and nurses commenting on how she's slowly dying? The last stanza, for example. The girl is dying. She must be having some pretty strong emotions. I think that it would actually be extremely effective if you described her as being somewhat happy at the end. Not happy as in "Yay! I'm dying! I want to have a party!" kind of thing. More of a relief kind of happy. As she's dying, she could feel as though all of her worries are drifting away, as though she is stronger than she's ever been. Basically, I'd love for you to be more descriptive about her emotions and how everything around her effects her. The voice of this poem could potentially be a really strong one. The girl has been through an awful lot, after all.

Gosh, I need to shut up. Sorry for the whole never-ending-critique thing I've got going on... All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and see what you can do to this. If you do what has been advised by us cool people, this could most definitely be an extremely great poem. Once again, I apologise for not shutting up when I should have... I think you get the point by now, don't you? More emotion and more imagery! It's 2:07am now, I need to sleep otherwise I'll be a mess in the morning. I think I give full blown reviews during the early hours of the morning or something... Oh well, it's reviewing day. I might as well put some effort into my reviews.

Keep writing!

xoxo Rhian

Hey retrodisco666!

This poem was quite interesting! It really provoked a lot of emotion. It really did touch me-my heart stopped during the last stanza. It was amazingly written. I enjoyed the rhyming at certain points but I felt that some parts didn't even have rhyming which was disappointing. I hope to read more of your work in the future!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

Hey again

I'm back as requested. I'm not going to give an in-depth review on this now, I'll just give you my opinion on it. Now that you've edited this a bit, I can certainly see an improvement. One of the things that you've improved on is the emotion in this poem. Admittedly, there are still some areas where the emotions could be stronger. The beginning, for example. I would still like to see a bit more emotion in the beginning of the poem because the beginning is important, after all. The same goes for the ending, I think. I would like to see some more emotion in that. It has really improved though.

As a whole though, this has certainly improved since the last time I read it. Not that it was bad before, or anything! It' just that I can see that it has definitely improved. As well as the emotion, you have created some more imagery in this. I can confidently say that you're on the right track so far. I would still like you to expand your descriptions and the emotions in this a bit more though. You just need to bare in mind that next time you write a poem, don't be afraid to try some new stuff and experiment a bit more.

xoxo Rhian

retrodisco666 wrote:Wires all over me,
machines that help me breathe,
A heart that can be seen on a screen, <--- Lower case the "A" since you didn't start a new sentence and your format should be consistent. Then I think you should end the line with a period.
Is this a life I should lead?

My life destroyed aged seven, <--- How about "at age seven," 'cause "aged seven" doesn't sound right.
in a coma until I was eight.
Now I only just survive;
catching breath like fireflies. <--- I love this line! Great simile.

I watch the rain fall down my window;
they might as well be my tears <--- Period.
the doctors' give me morphine, <--- Capital "t".
to drown out all my fears <--- Period.

Part robot, part girl,
I am an alien to this world, <--- Period?
I think I can see the light over the edge, <--- Period? Or just lower case the "m" on the next line.
My wish is only death.

My mother holds my hand
and covers me in tears, <-- You used tears earlier and I don't advise that. Unless you're intentionally repeating, I can't tell.
the doctors turn off my machine,
as my last breath disappears.

Very dramatic and powerful poem. The girl who is technically a cyborg is very well presented. I felt like I got to know her and understand her by the end of the poem. Her tragic death is almost beautiful the way it's described. It's like a silent acknowledgement with a hum of computer's. All my notes are mainly to improve consistency in the punctuation.

How touching the poem of yours can be. *teary eyes*

You achieve the level wherein you touch some hearts of your readers. Again, as what I also tell to others, the pattern of the poetic-story line is good. I can follow every single detail you present to us. You are very detail, that's what I like in your write.

Just inject a little heart-wrecking emotion in every corners of your poem. It will then look very very great! Try that!