Those I cannot Save

Trash it. I know you want to.

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I see the pain
in the eyes of those I love.
I hear the screams
of those who have no hope.
I know that they are dieing,
but I cannot save them.

I walk alone and out of sight,
and try to catch my tears.
But no matter where I go,
I know I cannot save them.

I struggle through the moaning screams,
from the ones I love.
Through the bloodied cloths and sheets,
and the tear stained pillows,
I know there is much sacrifice,
even though I cannot save them.

With all this pain and misery,
it should make me want to stop.
But it just drives me on,
even though I cannot save them.

But I can try...

Hello there

form the ones I love.

I think you meant 'From'

So this was a very deep poem, the words are intense. But I could not pick up the much needed emotion to accompany to words. Everything was just plain and it was not believable. The last stanza I think should be revised, I was not fond of the last line in particular.

However, this was not completely bad because it had it's moments where it captured my attention

I see the pain
in the eyes of those I love.
I hear the screams
of those who have no hope.
I know that they are dieing,
but I cannot save them.

This stanza is just well written, I loved it. But as the poem progressed it just lost momentum. That's what I thought, I don't know about someone else.

Keep writing

hmm, I liked this, but it was very depressing. I'm all depressed now.

On to the critique.

Some of the rhythym and rhymes seem forced, try having it flow a little more.

I struggle through the moaning screams,
form the ones I love.
Through the bloodied cloths and sheets,
and the tear stained pillows,

For some reason, I particularly liked this part. I'm not sure why, but I really liked it.

Overall, not bad. A little forced at times. Keep up the good work.

Cheers,
Pros

This personally didn't really draw my attention. Don't get me wrong though it is good but it was easy to tell what the general gist of it was and left me not really wanting more because it seemed to be to easy to predict.

Well done though.

I liked your gripping story here. The descriptions did a good job of creating a visible world of despair. The ending was sort of optimistic and hopeful but at the same time made it all the more tragic that you would try so hard and keep failing. It's almost like your a helpless superhero and it's saddening to be honest.

Good poem overall!

Woah! Such deep emotion you got here! Its amazing! Your work that is...I'm speechless as to describe it...its just awesome!! (hows that??)
Anyways, what i like most about it, is the fact that it shows what you would fight for and to what extremes you'd go to try. Plus, the rhythm in your poem fits perfectly. : ] I wouldn't say to trash it. It has a good morale to it, (I think thats how you spell morale) and a really gripping story.
Keep it up dude!


-BG-

Hey kingolions!

I agree with everyone when I say that this is really deep, and full of emotion. The words and scenes you pictured were quite intense which I had trouble to come over. It sad to think that you here all these people suffering and that there's not much you can do about it. I didn't have a favourite part as it was all equally depressing-I have to say that it was a bit too depressing. I know, I love depressing stuff but this one made my heart collapse from all the depression. Maybe tone it done a notch or increase into overdrive MWAHAHAHA! One thing to mention, please check your spelling before you submit anything bcasiue itr isd easyt toi accidentallky typeds soomething wrongs i.e. form-from and dieing/dying.

Hope this helps.

MWAHAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOCoter(ROC)

Bravo! (Clap, clap, clap.) Bravo!(Clap, clap, clap.)
that was a good,
and if I would,
I'd rate it well,
wouldn't that be swell.

kingo, that is the first thing that i have read on yws and i'm glad i read this.
the poem's got a sad genre which makes people feel the story's touch in their mind
thank you for the great poem

I Love this poem, it is so sad, really deep, and full of emotion, which are my favorite poems!

I wonder what made you write this? Is there a loved one close to you suffering that you wish to help? Or did it just come out of the blue? What ever the reason, it inspired a great poem... If that makes sense...

I know that they are dieing,
but I cannot save them.

I think that this my be better as

I know that they are dieing,
and I know I cannot save them.

In that why, you are saying that you know there dying and there is nothing you can do to save them...

And in the last part

But I can try...

I think you should take out the but so it reads

I can try...

the but is unneeded...

Loved the poem, hope this helped:)

~Rain~