Cigarette Smoke

Was doing a couple of poems centered around breathing, just to see how many I could come up with. This was one of them. I'm not totally sure about it, especially towards the end.



Breathe in
That cigarette smoke of yours
Twisting, curling,
Dancing with glee
Into my struggling lungs.
I don't care,
Just to be near you
I would kill them again and again.

A smile plays on your
perfect little mouth,
You know how I squirm,
Closer to your life
And away from my own.

A cough suppressed,
I wouldn't want to worry you,
Wouldn't want to bother you,
Let me breathe it in
Soak my body in that acrid smoke,
Because it touched you
You, perfect perfect you.

My health,
In return for my wants
Your wants.
You keep my here,
Breathing in that acid
Drinking in my own fear
Dancing in disaster,
Just to be close,
Just to try to taste
The edges of your essence.

And I don't realize it
But I already have,
It's that dry dying
Cigarette smoke
That kills me now.



Okay, I know cigarette smoke doesn't really call for such melodrama, but... yeah. It's just kind of what I started writing, so I went with it. c:

Hey. I thought that this was a good attempt on an unusual poetry topic. I found that the part that seemed a little off was the middle. I'm not sure why, it might have been the wording, but is seemed to loose a bit of it's essence. But I thought that the end was really well written. I know it doesn't need the melodrama, but it helps.

Hey! I didn't mind this poem, it was a very good first attempt but I do believe that it needs some work to be done. First of all, it's one big blob of writing which a lot of people don't like, including myself. Secondly, punctuation is needed a lot. Without it, it disrupts the flow of the entire poem. Good attempt but give it another shot.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

This reminds me of one of my Great Aunts when I was younger. She used to smoke all the time, and as a kid, I always suppressed the urge to cough around her because I wanted to be polite.

In any case, this was very rough, but I can think it could be much better just by cutting out a lot of the lines. For instance, take this:

I would kill them again and again-

Does this refer to the lungs or to something else? It's not very clear what it refers to, although I think you can get rid of it no matter what. If the line refers to the lungs, then it's redundant as you already said the lungs were struggling (you just said it again in a needless melodramatic manner). If it refers to something else, then it's too ambiguous and should probably be cut.

Then there are lines that just don't make sense:

You, perfect perfect you-
My health
In return for my wants
Teasing, toying games

You spend the entire poem describing how this person isn't perfect, but then say "perfect perfect you". The rest of the lines I quoted don't fit in and don't make sense.

All in all, it's a rough poem as I've said, but I think it could be polished up easily enough.

Hey Pers,

I think I've commented on a few of your poems today, and I think I've said the same thing every time. So to avoid sounding too much like a broken record, I'll just say, once more, that you NEED some punctuation in this. At the moment, as it's been mentioned, it's a bit of a blob with no form to it, all over the place, difficult to read. Just a few simple commas and full stops here and there to guide the reader can go a long, long way.

I agree with Nate that you repeat a lot of your ideas and could do with cutting a lot of them. Furthermore, I like the concept of writing about cigarette smoke (as it's something I really, really hate), and I wish you'd done more with this. it's salvageable, for sure. But you need more imagery, really, because your expressions are pretty similar and simple, and don't ever go past the basic "here it is" kind of statement. You need to push past that thinking, move, and I know its cliche, outside of the box.

Hiya persephoniea. My grandpa, my dad, my mom and, my grandma use to smoke (my dad tried, but couldn't stop. My grandpa died of lung cancer.) In other words, I can relate. This could use some tweaking though. It's rough but good.
~Ladypurple.