Mask

I'm glad you can't see how much I've died,
Or all the sleep I've lost.
My regrets have run deeper than I knew they could,
Since I walked out on you.
the memories of that day have faded,
I only recall my own cruel words.
I'm sure you've moved on, as I should have,
but there's one thing that I'm sure of.
If I saw you after all this time,
I'd hide behind a familiar mask.
So you can't see that I still love you.

Hey. I usually start off my reviews by saying, 'I really like this poem.' And once again, that was how I was going to start it. But by saying what I did, IT WAS DIFFERENT! But yeah, I really liked this poem.

There are a couple things though. Your first line, 'I'm glad you can't see how much I've died,' doesn't really work that well. It is saying that you have died. If you say something like, 'I'm glad you can't see how I've died inside...' or something. Same with the second line. Try 'Or the sleep I've lost over you.' I don't wont to seem like I'm trying to re-write what you have said, but it's just what I think. The next person will probably come along and trash everything I just said.

But other than that, it was really good. I also like the idea you implanted with the mask. It gives a greater depth to it.

But this is just my doggy opinion.

Hello!

Now, the topic of a mask, and masking your emotions, is one that you come across a lot in poetry. That doesn't mean that it is cliché in itself, but you need to make sure that your poem hopefully takes a different route then others in order to stand out.

One of the first things I noticed here is the way that your poem reads. It is basically like prose with line breaks. There isn't much rhythm, and if you take away the line breaks it would read like quite a short paragraph. Try reading it aloud, and then play around with ways that you can change the line breaks or cut out words so that when you read the poem, there is more of a rhythm to it.

Next, I think that you should start to extend this mask imagery you have going on. Right now, the majority of your poem is just you plainly telling the reader a story in the most direct way possible. To make it more interesting, you should weave the idea of a mask in and out of what you're saying. Stop telling the reader everything and start showing, with a good dollop of imagery thrown in!

Hope this helps. PM me with any questions!

-Amy

I agree with Amy, she gives good advice, and is in general a very awesome person, so listen to her .

Also I just wanted to say that I did enjoy this poem! I've read too many "Omg he left me I'm in such a dark place, I was in love with him, why did he leave???" poems to keep track, and I thought this one was cool because it was kind of the other side to the story.

So yeah. Sorry I wasn't terribly helpful, good luck!

Keep writing!

~Hope

I love the advice, and I'll definitely take it into the consideration. The only reason this poem doesn't have a specific rhythm to it is because I was trying to create a narrative. It didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted it to, and there was extensive editing involved.

I liked this! I could never write anything like that. (I'm no good at poems!)
But that was really good! I enjoyed it. Just listen to the advice people have given out.
Well done

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I'll be your reviewer. Now, I'll warn you now I'm known for being harsh, but it isn't meant to hurt you or anything, in fact I'd hope it would help you further your talent.

This poem came across as sadly lacking, you tell us everything, but never make us feel. You instruct us how ya feel, and why, but never make us feel the emotion. The prose idea had potential, but here it does nothing to help you. Because of a huge lack of exploration I shall call it, this poem come across as emo-ish and angst. Masks are wonderful images to use, but you follow the same tired plotted out formula and never expand on it or give us anything new.

Poems should make us feel, make us experience the emotion you put into this piece. It's obvious this event made you upset but make us feel the emotion, give us images, give us langauge techniques. The poem I'm sorry to say just doesn't do anything. It's just there, the emotions you exibit are locked out to us.

My advice is this, expand on this, drop the prose style and I'm being honest here this has potential, firm potential. Just work on it, and pm me .