Mom is Cooking Again. (a childrens poem)

Author's note: This is a little poem I thought of when I was riding in the car. I wrote it down because I'm sure everyone has had a bad meatloaf! Reviews are appreciated! (CRd)

My mom is cooking meat loaf,
and I am getting really scared.
Because none can describe the horror
that was the last food she prepared.

Her pudding tastes real terrible
and her green beans are really sick
I think it's possible I will die
from her next creation of "ick".

I frown with creeping terror,
while she wonders with delight
how she can make her meatloaf
the embodiment of fright.

She doesn't suck on purpose.
That, I can tell.
I only wish she'd read a cookbook
so she could really cook well.

I wonder what thing I should say,
to pardon me from eating,
but as I watch her cut and slice that stuff
my bravery is fleeting.

Then it strikes me, just like that.
I know what I have to do.
I clean my room and do my chores.
Tonight I won't eat goo.

I take out the trash and clean the clock
Check if the milk is out of date
I work so hard and clean so well,
There won't be crud on my plate.

My mom gets happy with what I've done, and I am happy too.
She asks me if I would like a special treat, and I say
"Sure I do!"

"I want to eat out tonight," I say,
"I want to get some chow!"
My mom says, "I was making meatloaf, but you can pick the food now."

She grabs her keys and smiles, and motions to our door,
I grab my coat and scuddle
across the freshly cleaned floor.

I feel accomplished, I feel so grand,
for saving me from crud.
It is because of my hard efforts
that I won't be eating mud.

"I wish I could get you to do this more often," she says with a mild grin.

And now I have a faint suspicion...

That she will try to make meatloaf again.

Hello there!

Meatloaf... Meatloaf...
I must say that I'm very impressed and amused on this kind of poem you have. The rhyming was good. It had a good flow. There was no distractions or something. The ending was kind of funny, actually.
One thing. Does it have to be all meatloaf, sure there are lots of food that we don't like (esp. if it's our mother who cooks it), right? It was also nice since you placed dialogues in here.

Keep up the good work!

Peace out!

BTW, thanks for reviewing my story.

Although I'm not a big fan of rhyming poems, I'd say that this is the perfect form for a bute, cuddly poem like this about a childhood story to avoid meatloaf. Rhyme seems to nicely bring out that childish spirit, a kind of a skippity-hop feel, like something naughty might happen, like it's a bit of homour - a refreshing surprise for me, since I find too often people try to write dark and depressing poetry in an effort to get some 'serious' themes across.

However, on that note, rhyme only has greatest effect when it is done properly, and in this case, it was sloppily done, which detracted rather than added to the poem. What I find most often is people trying to fit the story to the rhyme scheme, which never goes down too well, since most rhymes are cliche and already-tried-and-tested, so even the story becomes predictable in a way.

Although there were places in this where I felt that the rhyme was a little too obvious, I thought overall that you managed to get across the story as it was in your head, without too much changing in order to squash it into the rhyme scheme - so well done.

No, what annoyed me was this: (and this is why I say it wasn't neatly done) - the rhyme was okay, but the rhythm was totally off in places. Keep a precise rhythm, and try not to make us say some lines extra fast, and others extra slow, just to get te pace right. Longer lines can be broken up into shorter ones - add another stanza if you need to; and shorter ones can be easily added to with a few more tasty details.

I take out the trash and clean the clock
Check if the milk is out of date
I work so hard and clean so well,
There won't be crud on my plate.

My mom gets happy with what I've done, and I am happy too.
She asks me if I would like a special treat, and I say
"Sure I do!"

"I want to eat out tonight," I say,
"I want to get some chow!"
My mom says, "I was making meatloaf, but you can pick the food now."

She grabs her keys and smiles, and motions to our door,
I grab my coat and scuddle across the freshly cleaned floor.
I feel accomplished, I feel so grand,for saving me from crud.
It is because of my hard efforts
that I won't be eating mud."

I wish I could get you to do this more often," she says with a mild grin.

And now I have a faint suspicion...

That she will try to make meatloaf again.

What's up with the structure in this bit? What happened to the four-line stanzas? Instead of seeming like an artistic change, it seems more like a hastily put together set of lines when you change the stanzas like that - and again, this detracts from the beautiful idea behind the poem.

I enjoyed the ending, and I liked the twist in it as well, the wry sense of humour peeking through just at the end to leave us thinking. Structural-issues aside, I'd recommend on vocabulary in places - no need to be verbiose or anything, but I'm sure you can think of a better word than 'crud,' 'stuff,' 'ick,' etc.

A lovely read! Thank you.

Hey Esther! I really liked this poem a lot! It reminded me a lot of Shel Silverstein's work. If you haven't heard of him, look him up. He has some really stuff, and I used to read it all the time when I was little. There was one line I wasn't too thrilled with though.

I feel accomplished, I feel so grand,
for saving me from crud.
It is because of my hard efforts
that I won't be eating mud

I don't know...it doesn't quite fit. It's like you put it in just to fill it up, and feels forced.

Other then that, awesome job! Loved it!

Keep writing!

~Hope

Esther Sylvester wrote:Author's note: This is a little poem I thought of when I was riding in the car. I wrote it down because I'm sure everyone has had a bad meatloaf! Reviews are appreciated! (CRd)

My mom is cooking meat loaf,
and I am getting really scared.
Because none can describe the horror
that was the last food she prepared.

Her pudding tastes real terrible
and her green beans are really sick
I think it's possible I will die
from her next creation of "ick". This rhyme seems a little forced

I frown with creeping terror,
While she wonders with delight
how she can make her meatloaf
the embodiment of fright. Hmm Depending on how old the children are reading this you might want to swap this word (embodiment) with something easier

She doesn't suck on purpose.
That, I can tell.
I only wish she'd read a cookbook
so she could really cook well. This would sound better: so she really could cook well.

I wonder what thing I should say,The word thing is useless here and stops the flow of words.to pardon me from eating,
but as I watch her cut and slice that stuff
my bravery is fleeting.

Then it strikes me, just like that.
I know what I have to do.
I clean my room and do my chores.
Tonight I won't eat goo.

I take out the trash and clean the clock
Check if the milk is out of date
I work so hard and clean so well,
There won't be crud on my plate.

My mom gets happy with what I've done, and I am happy too.
She asks me if I would like a special treat, and I say
"Sure I do!"

"I want to eat out tonight," I say,
"I want to get some chow!"
My mom says, "I was making meatloaf, but you can pick the food now."

She grabs her keys and smiles, and motions to our door,
I grab my coat and scuttle
across the freshly cleaned floor. Freshly cleaned floor uses too many words somehow combine freshly and cleaned together. Maybe spotless.

I feel accomplished, I feel so grand,
for saving me from crud.
It is because of my hard efforts
that I won't be eating mud. I think you could come up with a better ryhme than crud and mud.
"I wish I could get you to do this more often," she says with a mild grin.

And now I have a faint suspicion...

That she will try to make meatloaf again.

I loved it! It made me laugh and is a perfect poem for a kid! I can just picture it becoming a picture book I like the twist at the end. Hope I helped.
A. S.

Esther:

I love this! It sounds a lot like shel silverstein! I love the poem, it would make a great picture book. 1 thing: get rid of crud. It's just not picture book worthy. Otherwise, I love it. Keep up the awesome work!

Thanks for a great story!

Sarebear