If I'm honest, I was a little confused by this post, trying to establish if it even was a work, but in a sense I can kind of see what's coming from this. It's almost like a timeline that's left in mystery, showing how a business changes through the years, or how the ownership changes, am I right? Perhaps it might even be about death or something, by the withdrawal of the plural in the second line as if to say there isn't another son?
It was a little confusing to be honest, but keep writing. Ben
I'm a bit confused on this piece, as well. The one thing that holds me back from classifying it is the fact that... well, there's not other description. The point is clearly made; don't get me wrong. But I think that, for this to be really well done, you need to liven it up a bit. I know that it's short like this for a purpose- that's clear. And it's not exactly [b]bad[/i] the way it is; it just needs a little more to make it really good. Maybe give us a bit more background. You could make this into either a story or a poem, in my opinion. But as is, it isn't quite either.
Do keep writing, though! This piece is unconventional, but if a lot of your work is like that, I would love to see more!
Sam
The key to every locked heart is commonly found hiding within little insecurities.
This is exactly like Hemingway's story: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." He manages to tell a story with as much story as anything else in less than ten words. The power of inference makes it truly brilliant and very avant-garde. xD
I love what you've done here. Though, I have to say that this is definitely a short story, rather than a poem.
Last edited by Sura on Mon Mar 29, 2010 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm back!
"Breaking fixed idea! Throw away the prejudice that fish live in fish bowls only!"
I know what you're trying to do... really, I do! But I don't like it. It's not as concise and pretty as Hemingway's story. Plus, with Hemingway's story, it had a large emotional context to it... you knew exactly what happened and that's what gave you shivers. With this, it's ambiguous. You can create several stories for it, yes, but you're never sure which story is true, and so it kind of falls flat in its face.
Try making it more personal, maybe with an unnamed narrator seeing something like this?
I don't know... play with it and see what you get.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
