And We Were

-
and in the bodies of featherless birds

proud in flight on flapless wings,

we did transgress imaginary bounds,

saw terror evident in the eyes of skies

unsecured peace and unraveled dread

in a choler flash of invasion.

 

and we stalled in footraces against time

stumbled onward, fell breathless

and vaulted arms-- flesh and melee-- into

crevices no eyes pried and tried to hold back;

we gave in; fear cast us, and we cast fear

in raged attempts of futile defense.

 

and on different routes we single-filed

crawled and carried through the final mile,

made struggled grasps and gasps for life,

clashed with fate and refused to give;

pride held us and we held pride,

as we rivaled the inevitable.

 

and we saw home through flagdraped walls,

saw ourselves fade to engraved names,

join ranks of heroes who demised before,

and final farewells placed us beneath charnel lawns

dotted in heather and kissed with dew,

berceusing us deeper into a breathless sleep.

Hi! This may or may not be a review. =P

There was some great word-play here, June: "unsecured peace and secured dread", "fear casted us, and we cast fear" "grasps and gasps" "pride held...we held pride" (to name a few examples). However, was that tense change in the second stanza done purposely? Fear "casted", we "cast". Just wondering. Also, in the third stanza, I've never seen "single-filed" as a verb itself, but I thought that was very creative. I additionally enjoyed the brief rhyme you had ("filed"..."mile") :] and was glad that the whole thing didn't rhyme, that probably would have diminished its value. Last stanza, not sure whether or not "flagdraped" should be hyphenated.

Amazing imagery. My favorite bit was "saw ourselves fade to engraved names". In fact, the entire ending was absolutely magnificent. Nothing I've ever read before has described death so beautifully.

All-in-all, I don't have much to offer but stunned appraisal. This really was fantastic, I kid you not! So well-written, such great vocabulary, so strong! I'm sincerely sorry I can't find anything wrong with it.



--- Told you my reviews didn't help. :]

--- James

June --

This is a fantastic improvement on your usual poetry. I enjoyed it. There's still plenty of room to grow, but I can definately see your poetry maturing here. I wouldn't really say that this is experimental (as you so called it in your blog) but perhaps it's experimental to you?

Your first three lines drew me in immediately. Really, really good writing. Love how you began the poem with "and" -- makes it seem as if you've begun in the middle of something, as if this is just a fragment of something larger. The rest of that stanza was so-so, expecially here:

saw terror evident in the eyes of skies,
unsecured peace and secured dread

Eyes of the skies? I don't get it. What are the eyes of the skies? The stars? Or were you just trying to sound poetic? The next line is awkward -- the repetition of the word "secured" is kind of heavy and it tangles up the lyric flow of things.

But you stuck it on that stanza by using the word "choler" to describe the flashes. See, that's what I mean by choosing interesting words! That's exactly what I was talking about in your last poem. I can see that you took it to heart? Great job.

The rest of the poem was solid. My main beef with it was the fact that you had all these abstract descriptions, but none of them were sensorially based. Your word choice was fine, but nothing special. I want more images, and less intangible description. I did not like this especially for some reason:

flesh and melee

I think the poem would do a lot better without this... Both these words are boring, and you went out of the way to put them in your piece. If you still want that image, retool it to either be more engaging word-wise, or throw in a simile or metaphor. I think that'd be a perfect time.

Your last stanza wraps things up nicely, and I like how you wrote it. You can't go wrong by combining two words that normally shouldn't be combined Very McCarthy-esque.

So, in summary, your first and last stanzas were delightful. These are the most important parts of any piece of writing. Your meat could use a little spicing up, with more imagery and, in places, more interesting word choice ("sliver" and "wrath" for instance, are boring words)... But! I like very much that you're improving! First sign of a good writer.

-Kylan

There were a few awkward moments I had to re-read, but I think over all that it was well written(:

I tihnk my favorite line had to be
"Pride held us and we held pride
til one side announced a victor"

I think pride is something everyone suffers from, and battles with. It was nice to see in a write.

This poem was great June!

I had to read it a few times to understand it completely though. Great word choice, but be careful on how many descriptive words that you use, because after a while they start taking away the great on your poem. I don't know what else to say, because this was so good!

Keep up the great work,

~Poem

Bounce back, clear?

You are a dangerous sphinx.
You'd write better if you hid less, your riddles can't be answered.
Not in the use of imagery, but in what the images demand.
My same temptation sweet.

Blithely abrupt, reminisce me oblivious. Made me the eye who watched the limber gullible lovers dance upon salted ice, made me the dame who too late thought twice {please, do find William Holman Hunt's painting, "The Awakening Conscience" ), made me the sir in hunger doomed, deep sexual indulgence, starved the heart once longed to cherish. Made me, yet then made me disappear. Private. PRIVATE! Do not cross, there’s DANGER here -
Key hole of a poem, I peek through yet cannot wire the lock. Certainly unclear, but more then indirect – like painted lips.
Red.
Painted face.
White.
Painted Spouse.
Lost.

Not written to communicate, but written to hide.
And I want to go no further. I do not want to break it down, or push in further. Molecular, the moan says, leave it alone, push no farther.
I did not love it, or hate it. But certainly, I tasted.

And fled.

Thanks for the review, Mandorelute. If you can't tell, it's about Soldiers, haha. I've edited the poem a few times since posting, and updated my original post.

Did you change it just...now? The ending?
Honestly, I couldn't tell, I thought that was metaphor, parallel imagery. Love is war. ;}

I changed the wording of the ending, but the meaning's pretty much the same. Haha, does it seem like a love poem?

Actually, it reminds me of The Wall in Washington D.C. There's a traveling one and it came to our town once. I remember when Mom went to look at it, she started crying. And I was little at the time, so I didn't understand why she cried, but I remember being terrified that she did cry.

So... the critique!

Get rid of the first stanza. It doesn't like the rest of your poem. Besides... although a lot of people came in from the planes, a lot of people came in through boats, tanks, and such, so it would be lovely to see to see them represented. AND NO, MY FAMILY IS NOT NAVY, REALLY.



Anyway, the suggestions are labeled as such:

bold = add the word
bold? = possible word choice
strike-out = DELETE!
italics = Doesn't make sense/isn't worded correctly/very awkward

and we stalled in footraces against time
stumbled onward, fell breathless
and vaulted arms-- flesh and melee-- into
crevices no eyes pried and we tried to hold back;
we gave in; fear cast us, and we cast fear
in raged attempts of futile hellish? defense.

and on different routes we single-filed--
crawled and carried through the final mile line?,
made struggled grasps and gasps for life,
clashed with fate and refused to give;
pride held us and we held pride,
as we rivaled the inevitable Death himself?.

and we saw home through flagdraped walls,
saw ourselves fade to engraved names,
to join the ranks of heroes who demised before,
and final farewells placed us beneath charnel lawns
dotted in heather and kissed with dew,
berceusing lilting? us deeper into a breathless sleep.


And berceuse is totally a noun... not a verb.

So intense a love poem that I felt embarrassed, as if I were a mailman accidentally intruding on two making love...
" fell breathless

and vaulted arms-- flesh and melee-- into

crevices no eyes pried and tried to hold back;

we gave in; fear cast us, and we cast fear

in raged attempts of futile defense"

The vocabulary of the poem, using words such as Crevices = set me up to perceive this as sexual. I can see what was intended now, but prefer my first impression - a slip of incidental genius.

Nice, reminds me of those suicide bombers/jet fighters. Good job. I like it.