Se L'amore

(I wrote this influenced a little bit by "Fire and Ice" by Mr. Frost.
and also by Andre Aciman's novel, Call Me by Your name)

SE L'AMORE.

Hearts in ice. Will love suffice?
Hearts in trees sting like bees.
Do you feel the floaty feeling?

Hearts on a boat on the sea.
Souls connect. Will it be me?
On the sands, we're holding hands.
But mountains come that we must climb
With fear and pride.

You fall for me like a beer bottle, unknowingly pushed off a balcony, late at night ,when stars are bright; a party is being held
It falls and you say, "Don't worry. I'll get it."
But I say, "It's okay, I got it."

Then everything falls into place.

Hello there =)

This is an interesting little piece, and actually, I think it really has potential. The ending, especially, caught my attention. The ending is what makes this stand out.

Now, I have to first talk about your rhyme scheme. I felt like you really limited what you could have achieved with this poem by forcing yourself to make those rhymes. Rhymes are never meant to be forced; that only detracts from the poem, it adds nothing to it. Rhyming works for some poems and some people in some cases, but I don't think you need it here. I think you could develop your ideas more fully, get rid of some word choices that aren't quite right, by just abandoning the rhymes altogether.

"Hearts in ice. Will love suffice?
Hearts in trees sting like bees.
Do you feel the floaty feeling?" This whole stanza feels vague, shallow, and, it's kind of all over the place. My immediate reaction was "... what?" Part of it I think has to do with those rhymes. But take the last line: what does it have to do with the previous two lines? "Floaty feeling"? What floaty feeling, resulting from what, why? And "floaty" sounds like something you would read in a child's poem, or find in a poem for children.

"Hearts on a boat on the sea." What about them?
"Souls connect. Will it be me?" Whose? Will what be you? I'm not being dense; I do see what you're talking about, but you introduced it too suddenly, and then you don't follow through with it. You go from wondering if it will be you, to them holding hands... and in a completely different place.
"On the sands, we're holding hands" Again, you're all over the place; this time, literally. What happened to the boat?
"But mountains come that we must climb" Mountains now... I can't make a connection between the rest of this stanza and the last two lines. Are the mountains supposed to represent a challenge? First of all, mountains are used that way too often. Secondly, we have no background that could tell us what the challenge would be.
"With fear and pride." Cheesy.
Like the first one, I really didn't get much from this stanza. The only difference is that it makes a bit more sense than the first one; I can see what you're talking about, mostly.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh; the reason I have to rip apart these first two stanzas is that they don't live up to the ending. They're kind of the opposite or your ending.

The last stanza is coherent; it makes sense; it isn't cliche, or flat; it has emotion; it tells us something, and we can understand it. Again, it's the opposite of the first two stanzas.
I have one complaint about it and one complaint only. Your rhyme: late at night, when stars are bright.
The only reason you used those two phrases exactly that way is because they rhymed, right? But you can't use words just because they rhyme. They have to be the right words to use almost despite that they rhyme.
I don't think "a party is being held" really fits either; it's not subtle, like the rest of the first line, and you don't go on to mention it again; it doesn't affect the scene. I think you could just cut it.

If you only had a beginning and middle that led into your ending, a beginning and middle that reflected the end, that were as clear and precise and creative, you would have a stellar poem.

Sorry again to rip into this so hard, but I only do it because this could be a great poem, and I'd hate to see you not take advantage of that potential. Good luck.

-Adna

Adnamarine wrote:This whole stanza feels vague, shallow, and, it's kind of all over the place. My immediate reaction was "... what?" Part of it I think has to do with those rhymes. But take the last line: what does it have to do with the previous two lines? "Floaty feeling"? What floaty feeling, resulting from what, why? And "floaty" sounds like something you would read in a child's poem, or find in a poem for children.

"Hearts on a boat on the sea." What about them?
"Souls connect. Will it be me?" Whose? Will what be you? I'm not being dense; I do see what you're talking about, but you introduced it too suddenly, and then you don't follow through with it. You go from wondering if it will be you, to them holding hands... and in a completely different place.
"On the sands, we're holding hands" Again, you're all over the place; this time, literally. What happened to the boat?

If you only had a beginning and middle that led into your ending, a beginning and middle that reflected the end, that were as clear and precise and creative, you would have a stellar poem

Thanks Adna I understand what you're saying. When I wrote this I didn't have a specific direction to take this in. I only know I wanted to write about love in a couple simple ways.
Now I have things to think about but not so sure on how to go back. I'm glad you appreciated the prose ending!

Any more reviewers? It would be extremely helpful! I think I'd go back and tweak this