Monsoon Tune

surf, sun, hawaii
steel drums and ska beats
sing of Marley
ever sweet

sublime cali
or blazing maui
hippy culture
soaked within thee
ripped jeans
and bonfires
sexy bodies in the sun

love, fun, reggae
dreads on your head
sand on your feet
take me to bed
and we can make a beat

strum on guitar
or pluck the uke
we'll write the lyrics
of the monsoon tune


shallow tide
never hide
moonlight water
waves beat harder
In the dark,
winds part
Twilight soul
and hawaiian heart
please hum your tune
for me


raindrops settle
on maui rocks
but dont disrupt
the monsoon tune
that we hear,
outside this room


banana pancakes
in my head
aloha!
juice dripping loose,
from the coconut,
white and hairy
sweet perfume
of caillat lily

monstrous monsoon tune
of plucked ukulele
and bouncy piano keys
light raindrops
and easy breeze
write the truest melody
what will the lyrics be?

breathe,
and kiss,
and hug all day
our love won't go away
it fights the storm
our hearts have been torn
but our souls are never worn

write and hum the tune
of this hawaiian monsoon



-please dont critique me on punctuation. i know i am missing some. i want to work on that on my own to see how i want it

Hello!

Let me first say that I love this poem. It sounds so breezy and and summery which of course is exactly what it's about, so good job on that. And I won't critique you on punctuation, even though I think you do need a little. Not a lot, mind you, just a little.

soaked within thee

Okay, here, it's a great image, but the thee stands out because it's from a completely different language. This poem is speaking in modern, fragmented Pacific-y English, but then that word is from old Shakespearian English and it just doesn't fit. If you're going for a rhyme you could replace it with me but I think saying you would be perfect.

we'll write the lyrics
of the monsoon tune

I love that.

In the dark,
winds part
Twilight soul

Again this struck me as odd because the rest of the poem is lowercase, which imo works, but then In and Twilight are capitalized and I don't know why. Did you want to emphasize them? I don't like it, anyway.

our hearts have been torn
but our souls are never worn

This part kind of steps away from the bouncy, fun images of the rest of the poem and steps into heavier territory. It's nice, actually. It brings more depth to it, like oh, this isn't just pretty words, there's actually a meaning here too.

Nice work - keep it up.
-Mars

"In the dark,
winds part
Twilight soul"

yep. i capitalized I because 'In the dark, winds part' is one thought. and the second is 'Twilight soul and hawaiian heart'. i just didnt finish the rest of the punctuation

what you called 'heavier territory' is actually the true personal side of the poem. the twilight soul and hawaiian heart line especially means something to me and so does the rest of the 'territory'
they all go together. thanks Mars!