Into the Citrus Trees

I’ve searched far across the deepest forests, seas, and skies,
For my heart’s biggest secret
Your eyes are in Vistana,
And my heart is chained to the ground
It's beating slowly and I cry just watching
Your love pours out, but its too late
It cannot save us now



Time is coming to tear us apart
The ocean swallows me and I can’t breathe
I see you float away today
But still, you’re all I need
You pull me out onto the sands,
And we walk into heaven
Only you take me there as our bodies intertwine



I don’t care what they say about us
I have searched the deepest forests, seas, and skies
For those eyes
I met them in Vistana
The deepest ocean’s blue
And I’ll write this song for you
You’ve got enough of me to shatter me like glass


My love is in a bottle,
In the oceans somewhere
You’ll be running back to me
You’ve walked away this time,
That’s the hardest part to see

One day you will look for me,
But I will have floated away
In a few years time, when I may not come back,
You’ll search the deepest forests, seas, and skies
For another’s eyes
But still, you’re all I need

aloha, alohajuice!

This here poem was recommended by Miss Mars, and I'm glad I got to it.

About the "Vistana" mention-- google only shows it as hotels in Penang, Kuala Lampur and Orlando. It makes me think that I'm missing the "citrus tree" allusion (which reminds me of Mediterranean islands and olive oil).

You have a fascinating rhythm throughout the poem eg.

I see you float away today

And a starkly passive tone (with images) eg.

You pull me out onto the sands

In a few years time, when I may not come back,
You’ll search the deepest forests, seas, and skies

You’ve got enough of me to shatter me like glass

Or at least it moves from active to passive.

My problem with the poem is that even with the unusual images like "heart chained to the ground", "love in a bottle", "walk into the heavens", "enough of me to shatter me like glass", you've mixed in some of the most worn out lines in the language-- "you're all I need", "search the deepest forests, seas, skies", "cannot save us" etc (sorry if the quotes are a little off ).

And lastly...it's a great poem, each line holds a deep meaning for the writer in terms of his emotions, but if you've posted it for us to read, you must consider that we have been through hordes of poems that try to say "you're all I need". There are so many better ways to say that.

Muchas gracias for the read. Please keep writing and posting. Hope I was of any help at all.

The Plant.

It is a great poem!!!
I like it at all. Beautiful words, images. It doesn't resemble other poems and songs about love. Sometimes, when I read poems of my friends or listen to radio, I see the same images, phrases. But this poem is unusual.
Good job!

Antonina.

thank you for your reviews.
who is Miss Mars btw?



more reviews please!!! it would be great

Although simple and direct is good, the risk of running a poem that says exactly what it means is that it doesn't feel engaging enough when it is read. I agree that the images used are generally not the common ones used to depict what love is, however, the general gist of it still feels the same as any other love poem. There's really not enough to make you feel that this is different.

If your intention with this poem is to make us "feel", well then you are successful because each line is charged with just enough emotion (with images to boot!) for us to know what the persona is going through. But if your goal is to write a poem that transcends the boundaries of what is traditionally considered as love, then you may want to look at other ways of expressing the experience of your love.

so there, my general comment is that this poem makes the reader "feel", but not really feel.

******
Now that I got that out of the way, in terms of reading for entertainment, I like how this was written. It is simple and easy, and the use of images makes it more pleasurable on the palate. I also like the emphasis on the concept of "Vistana" as the idea of a shared location (I presume) gives the poem an enhanced flavor of intimacy and helps heighten the emotions that are expressed.

It was nice read.


Hope this helps.

Keep posting.

mynameisTyler wrote:If your intention with this poem is to make us "feel", well then you are successful because each line is charged with just enough emotion (with images to boot!) for us to know what the persona is going through. But if your goal is to write a poem that transcends the boundaries of what is traditionally considered as love, then you may want to look at other ways of expressing the experience of your love.

nope. i never have intentions when i write, im not a writing factory.
i didnt 'want' anything. i just wanted to write about my love
a person in my past

alohajuice wrote:

mynameisTyler wrote:If your intention with this poem is to make us "feel", well then you are successful because each line is charged with just enough emotion (with images to boot!) for us to know what the persona is going through. But if your goal is to write a poem that transcends the boundaries of what is traditionally considered as love, then you may want to look at other ways of expressing the experience of your love.

nope. i never have intentions when i write, im not a writing factory.
i didnt 'want' anything. i just wanted to write about my love
a person in my past

in that case, well done.