Fences

Like great rivers of wood and wire
They crisscross the land,
Dividing it
Into tidy partitions.

Like streams and rivulets of twigs and twine
They can be crossed,
Split in twain,
Brought back together.

Yet, unlike the brook that flows swiftly,
They can only stand still -
Silent sentinels
Watching the border.

I see nothing wrong with this..
I like it.
Hmm..
Interesting.
I can officially declare I'm a fence in high school!
Thank you for this new lovely metaphor I am about to take on.
The poem was lovely as well.

Hey Kyllorac! I've seen you around and seen you in Chat a couple of times, so I thought I'd drop in on your lonely little poem here, which I must admit was very nice. ^^ I think it could use some more fleshing out, but then there's only so much you can do with this analogy.

I think your weakest stanza is the middle one, however. This is but a technicality, I think, but I thought I might just point out a tiny inconsistencey.

Like streams and rivulets of twigs and twine
They can be crossed,
Split in twain,
Brought back together.

With such a short poem, everything has to work within the same format and inside of the same analogy for the whole thing to come across most effectively, I think. See how in the first and last stanza, there is a single fact being stated that is not contradicted? In the first, the fence divides the land into parts. In the last stanza, the fence is stuck guarding the border (loved that stanza, by the way.) But here in the second one, the fence (water) is crossed, split down the middle, and then rejoined all at once.

I point this out only because the analogy doesn't exactly work here. You can cross a fence, yes, although a more accurate wording would be 'climb over'. And while it's possible to split a fence in half and then reconnect it, that is uncommon. Where exactly does the river analogy carry through here? I don't see the relation. It's true about a river forking down the center, but fences don't fork. They can have gaps, and they can have gates that are opened and closed. But still, no spliting of fences, unless someone comes along with a chainsaw and decides to hack away.

Anyway, I though the idea was nice, and the third stanza especially was wonderful. ^^ Hope to see you around some more!

~Evi

Thanks for the feedback.

@Evi - This poem is pretty old, and I don't remember what exactly I meant with that particular stanza. I based this loosely off a Plains Indian's comment on how fences were like wire rivers (or something like that; I can't find the quote), and I think it was talking about how when you have adjacent fenced properties, there are intersections where the fences all meet and branch out. That, or it was talking about how the tribes would cut through the wire and then the ranchers would quickly fix them. I don't remember exactly. XD

I'm very sorry if I ever offended you with my comment, but I think I'm not satisfied. With such short poem, I didn't think I got the point until the last stanza. But I like the mysterious feeling you sprinkled in the poem. I thought of that a bit... I say I like that! Nice work, buddy. I look forward to your improvement.

Good work... BUUUT...



It's too short!! Waaa~n! I love a good, lengthy poem, and this definitely deserves to be lengthened, mind you~




Good grammar. Good sense. Nice piece.