long lasting love

4 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 6
I'm lost.
You're found.

I'm blind.
You see.

As long as I am with you forever,
then anything is fine with me.
Last edited by jBlack_girl on Sat Mar 14, 2009 1:09 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1212
Reviews 47
I like it, it was short and to the point. You might want to consider fluffing it up a bit because it seems as if you had more to say, but you were in a hurry. If you meant for the poem to be short and like that then ignore everything that i stated above.
I only found one typo
You'r found.
You'r is spelt you're you can just check that with the spell check at the top right hand corner of the box that you are typing in. :( :) :D :lol:




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Gender Male
Points 6066
Reviews 80
My only thought was that it could do with some more length. You can do so much more with that little technique of saying that you're something bad and the other person is the opposite. I think you could also say why you're so lost and blind, and they're not. I just feel a bit like it was rushed, or without thought. If you expanded it a bit, this could be a really good piece, so keep it up :D
"As for me, all I know is that I know nothing"
-Socrates




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Gender Female
Points 5388
Reviews 196
Not sure. I know what you are saying...

Lets examine this;
As long as I am with you forever,
then anything is fine with me.


I am a pattern freak. In all the other stanzas, there are two short, but meaning ful lines. I believe, with the proper wording, that this stanza can be made into two stanzas, or mad a bit longer at least. I came up with a little something, you may want to consider changing it to something like it;

If you stay
forever

Anything
is fine
with me

I understand that it is still not all two lines, but it makes it a bit longer. It's just an idea. Lets see what else you've got in store for us! ;)
Have a peanut =)

Try your hand at my poetry contest!

Proud LGBT supporter.



I am deeply disturbed by your ability to meow.
— Carina