String Cheese

NOTE: Warning, this is another one of my fifty second poems. I wrote it while I was hungry in my room.PLEASE read it with a beat and you'll do just fine xD

You know what I want?
I want some string cheese!
I'm awfully hungry;
could you pass me some please?

I broke my leg,
and I got stung by some bees,
so all I want
is my stick of string cheese.

Would low-fat be okay?
No, I would not mind.
Because this healthy treat
cannot fatten my behind.

It's cheesy, it's awesome,
it's really something good.
Try it! You want some?
Everybody should!

Delicious and delectable,
tasty and quite fine.
I'd give you a piece
but I'm not willing to share mine!

Hi! This was definitely an interesting and unique poem! Onto the review:


You know what I want?

I want some string cheese!

I'm awfully hungry;

could you pass me some please?



I broke my leg

and I got stung by bees, I think the rhythm would work better if this line read "and got stung by some bees,"

so all I want

is my stick of string cheese.



Would I mind low fat?

No, I would not mind.

Because this healthy treat

cannot fatten my behind!

okay, the rhythm is *slightly* off in this verse. Also, you use the words "would I mind" twice in two lines, which is too repetitive for my taste. It would sound better like this:

Would low-fat be okay?
I wouldn't mind!
Because this healthy treat
can't make fat my behind.

Alright, yeah, my proposed last line sucks, but I can't think of anything better to fit the rhythm. Hehe



It's cheesy, it's awesome,

it's really really good. it's really quite good, maybe? The use of two "really"s throws off the rhythm...try something one-syllable after the first "really"

Try it! You want some?

Everybody should. out of preference, I think "everyone" would work better than "everybody".



Delicious and delectable,

tasty and quite fine.

I'd give you a piece

but I'm willing to share mine! I think you mean you're NOT willing to share


This piece was really cute and simple. I hope you actually did get your string cheese!

-Cassie

Shina, Shina, on the wall, tell me who is the silliest of all?

You're somewhat ridiculous, you know? This is absolutely silly.


Remember to keep a consistent structure, dear. Try, since some of them are capitalized, to keep the beginnings of all of your lines capitalized.

Would low-fat be okay?

No, I would not mind.

Because this healthy treat

cannot fatten my behind.

I'm tired, and I can't think straight. Should that would stay as would, or should it change to "will"?

Anyway! Yes, I see the resemblance of this poem with your mustache poem. I can't really give much of a critique on this, since it's designed to amuse. If I were to bring on the shredding, I would definitely ruin this, dear.

It was funny . It made me laugh when I read it. Keep it up, dear! And good work!

Er... very random, indeed.

June

Well I liked this; I love anything about food - nom.

I liked the flow and rhythm of it all - it worked well for one of those poems that you just scribble onto a scrap piece of paper - and even though the rhyme seems strained in some places, it still worked as one of those little silly poems that friends pass on to each other!

Good work!

Hey!

I thought your poem was brilliant!!! VERY VERY CREATIVE!!
I'm now craving string cheese. In fact, I'm going to the store right now to get some

This poem was really awesome! Nice job

-thevoiceinside

Wow! your poem makes me hungry! i love how you stated that you were clearly, not willing to give up your food to share with someone else.

- Amy

This was written well! i love how the poem rhymes, and goes to with the flow.
Would low-fat be okay?

No, I would not mind.

Because this healthy treat

cannot fatten my behind.

I found this very funny; healthy is never too bad. it may taste different from what most of s are used to, but food is food when your hungry.

- Amy

Ha! This is good! As you said, I put in a beat and it was like a little rap song about cheese. I really liked it. The only thing I would suggest changing is the end, because it has too many syllables. And also, I think that for that part you meant that you are NOT willing to share yours. Otherwise... I WANT SOME! Just joking. Um. GOLD STAR!!!! You are good at making quick poems! I will try one day...

Hahaha
You make me laugh.

Shina! I haven't talked to you in forever! Remember when I was new and you helped me out... Aww, memories. Haha. Anyway, I'm reviewing your poem today. (Duh.) Haha.

You know what I want?
I want some string cheese!
I'm awfully hungry;
could you pass me some please?I started off reading this with a beat [as you instructed]; it kept up quite nicely throughout the poem

I broke my leg,
and I got stung by some bees,
so all I want
is my stick of string cheese.

Would low-fat be okay?
No, I would not mind.
Because this healthy treat
cannot fatten my behind. Might just be my favorite stanza.

It's cheesy, it's awesome,
it's really something good.
Try it! You want some?
Everyone should. Nice. Hehe.

Delicious and delectable,
tasty and quite fine.
I'd give you a piece,
but I'm not willing to share mine!

Hello, silly darling! I quite liked this piece. I love quirky, funny poems! Haha.

I thought it read quite nicely with a beat. Nice rhymes; they didn't come out forced.

Overall, great job!

Love,
Music.

I think that it was great but you could use a more colorfull vocabulary and it sort of seemed like you had no other ideas and hit writers block

Thanks everyone for the reviews ^^ I didn't think a poem about string cheese would be that popular xD No offense to the lactose intolerant readers! And to Jblack about writersblock, xD yeah, when you're hungy you whoop out some crazy things.

This piece was interesting and unique. It was quite funny also. The flow was good and you had good word choice to. Keep it up. I give you a gold star.

Hi there!
Yes, now that you mention it, I could go for some string cheese myself.

angels-symphony wrote:You know what I want?
I want some string cheese!
I'm awfully hungry;
could you pass me some please?

I broke my leg There should be a comma here.
and I got stung by some bees,I think this would work better as a period.
so all I want
is my stick of string cheese.

Would low-fat be okay?
No, I would not mind.
Because this healthy treat
cannot fatten my behind. Hah!

It's cheesy, it's awesome,
it's really something good.
Try it! You want some?
Everyone should. Change everyone to everybody. As it is, it's off rhythm.

Delicious and delectable,
tasty and quite fine.
I'd give you a piece
but I'm not willing to share mine! [b]Too many syllables! Try "but I won't share mine."

I love how this is so silly! You get a gold star for making me laugh!

thevoiceinside wrote:Hey!

I thought your poem was brilliant!!! VERY VERY CREATIVE!!
I'm now craving string cheese. In fact, I'm going to the store right now to get some

This poem was really awesome! Nice job

-thevoiceinside

I know, it's made me want string cheese! The rhythm was very good, but I think the corrections made by the others solved the rythm problem and it is now stuck in my head! Very clever, almost hypnotising, it's catchy and that does the job!

Well done.