Young Writers Society

ok, so this isn't perfect or great or amazing and it's entirely spur of the moment but it's exactly how i feel right now and it needed to be said....

i have kissed
more boys then
we would care to remember
but less then you think

i have been in and out
of love with at least half
and i have dreamt of more

but for every one that went away
you were there to
pick up the pieces he left behind
you were there to sit beside me
until the sobschokingmybody
stopped and i was left shaking.

the days of my life
would be wasted if you hadn't
been there to live inside them
with me and if you hadn't been around
the glass would be half-empty.

i know you are more
beautiful then
you will ever realise
because i have seen
inside your eyes to where
the soul lies
and i have seen that it is as
perfect as rainbow nail varnish
under moonlight.

you remind me of
me and i have never met anyone
who can catch me before i trip
and make me laugh when
the world is breaking under
my feet. but i know if i ever
did fall you would come with me and
hold my hand.

i will lie with you
on cold pavements staring up
at ugly storm skies
all night
and listen to you cry
over a chipped toenail because
you are part of my heart and
i could never stand if you didn't
hold me up.

i suppose what i am trying to say is...

what i really mean is:

thank you.

You really got your message out with this one. Nice job.

The only thing that I don't like is how you ended this. It was too ... well I'm not sure what it was that I didn't like. This probably wasn't it, but you've got all of these three to ten line stanzas, and then these random one line stanzas appear. Consistency usualy isn't a prblem with me in poetry, but that I didn't like for some reason. I think you could still make the "thank you" stand out by phrasing the ending differently.

Anyway, well done.

ahhh, i know the ending is CRAP. but i kind of enjoyed writing the poem and it was all flowing and i got to the end and realised i had no clue what to write, so i kind of threw in an ending from another poem that i thought would work. apparently, it didn't work. #sigh#

i will definitely change that, the minute i think of what to write.

thanks

I am really impressed by your poetry, and to show my appreciation here's my present, a proper crit. This was the only poem of yours I found I could do any help with editing. I hope the scan is legible enough.

CL

The last stanza seemed conflicting, like you weren't sure whether you are trying to talk about him doing everything for you, or you returning the favor. If you arrange it in a different way, I think it would flow better. Good job overall.