His Fool

Haha I loved this. It was humor yet is was serious and to the point. I could really sense the 'polite' anger and how irritated the protagonist is. I also found it interesting how she still loved him even after her showing us her apparent dislike for him.

I'm just curious as to WHY she still loved him...

Haha I loved this. It was humor yet is was serious and to the point. I could really sense the 'polite' anger and how irritated the protagonist is. I also found it interesting how she still loved him even after her showing us her apparent dislike for him.

I'm just curious as to WHY she still loved him...

Thank you all for the comments. Can you believe that I make this up in my math class in 20 minutes? Anyway glad you'll liked it.

I changed the title...... anyway thanks for the comments.

Me likey! It didn't have the deep emotion lyrics that could confuse some people, it had some easily recognisable analogies. I could feel myself sticking my tounge out at the piece of hair in my sundae. It has fantastic imagery, and I don't think most people could find and use those brilliantly simple lines. You can understand how it is a past feeling. But the only thing that bugs me is the I love you thing in the beggining. You could do a different line like, "now I don't", "now I hate you", or "I used to love you"

I've read all the comments, and unfortunately, I going to have a slightly more harsh review. (Don't worry, I still liked it!)

My edits in bold.

blacktiger3915 wrote:I loved you.

I loved you. I don't like the repetition here. Just do one at the start. On this subject, I loved the two at the end, but the two at the beginning almost made me hit the back button to go to "Other Poetry".

You were the polish for my toes, This seemed quirky.

But now you're the toe jam. This is just a little bit too short...

You were the cherry on top of my sundae, This seemed a little bit long, but I can't find a way to change it.

But now you're the long piece of hair in it.

You were the apple of my eye, This is somewhat of a small cliche, but I really liked it right here.

But now you're the fly that flew in it. First, a fly flew into your eye? This line doesn't fit that well... Second: two lines ago you ended with "in it". I would think up something different. Maybe completely rewrite it.

You were the sweet tooth in my mouth,

But now you're the grain between it. Good rhythm on the last two lines.

You're the itch that can't be scratched,

The disease that can't be cured,

The white pimple on the tip of my nose, You had a great rhythm going in the last four lines, but this was too long. I would get rid of "...the tip of".

The stray hair on my girly chin.

I was your game piece in your little game,

The puppet in your show. Good job on rhythm in the last three lines.

I can't believe I was your dancing fool in your court! To help out the rhythm and to make this sound smoother, ditch the first "your" (the one right before dancing fool).

Never again. You worked the long line and the short one really well.

I loved you.

I loved you. [b]As I said, your ending was great.[b]

Okay, just because I had some edits doesn't mean that I didn't like it. It was great. I agree with Snoink that it was a little quirky sometimes, but with the others that emotion showed through. (I liked the title, by the way.)

To put it simply, your rhythm at the start wasn't very good. I didn't like it much until I got to the sweet tooth line. Then you did a great job... with an awesome ending.

I don't love all of the spaces between lines, but I don't think that there's any way to help it. At the start it could be split into two line per space, but once you get to the ending, it wouldn't make sense. So I guess that's fine.

Your wording was good, if not the best it could be, your rhythm was 50-50, but it improved at the right time. Overall, though, it was great.

It'll take a 8.5/10 on the Official Wozzinator Writing Scale (Poetry Version)

Teh Wozzinator