Bridezillas

I made this poem in 10th grade. I wrote it how I would talk.


Oh my God! I’m gonna be late!
I didn’t brush my hair!
I didn’t take a shower!
Why didn’t anybody wake me up?!
My dress ain't pressed,
And I can’t find my shoes!
I can’t find my contacts!
Where is my veil?!
My bouquet of flowers?
Is the cake ready?
The bride’s maid’s dresses better be lookin’ right!
Who is doing my makeup?
Is the limo ready for tonight?
Move it! I have to go to my wedding!
I can’t believe that my own friends
Forgot about my wedding!
I hate this!
I hate y’all!
I hate . . . . What?
What did you say?
The wedding is tomorrow?
Oh.
You know I love y’all!

Haha, this is very funny. It reminds me of a couple of my friends, who would be yelling at me like this. I think the dialogue is well done, but the "ain't"s and "y'all"s kind of threw me off. Unless that's really how you talk, I suggest you get rid of it.

Imagery:
One thing I really liked is that you can see this whole poem, including the passing time. You can easily see the surroundings as our confused bride rushes through the crowd. Then at the very end, you can feel the pause where her friends are trying to tell her what is going on and then... the relief!

Tone:
I think the single stanzas and jumpy thoughts pulled off an effectively hurried tone. I especially like the part:

blacktiger3915 wrote:I hate y’all!

I hate . . . . What?

What did you say?

The wedding is tomorrow?

Oh.

You know I love y’all!

because you can kind of feel her anger fade and I like how it goes from I hate y'all! to I love y'all. Haha.

Simple:
Another thing I really liked was how simple is was. Just by using dialogue, you paint a picture in our mind. It was interesting to hear something just flat out like that. All rough and American-like! (USA! USA! U S A!!!!) It stood out in a good way.

Your Overall Score: A
Unique and Interesting, but the dialect was distracting. (at least, to me)

-cat4prowl

Thank you Cat. I wrote the poem on how I would say it. I really don't speak proper. I have a southern acsent.

Hey blacktiger. This was an enjoyable and perceptive piece to read. You've really channeled some of the thoughts and emotions of a bride to be into this. However I didn't really feel like I got anything from reader it. For one thing there were too many exclamation marks (although fitting) and questions for there to be a smooth flow and I also felt like I could relate to the speaker or take anything away from it. However on a more lighter level I thought it was funny.

Hope and best wishes,

Eimear

It's cute I guess, but the whole point of the poem is to demonstrate language and to provide a twist at the end. It seems like one long string of questions just for the sake of questions, which don't always make sense together.

I think this could be more effective if you took the idea of the ending and developed one of the bride's initial reactions a little more. Right now it seems like too much all at the same time.

Happy writing!

While there's nothing strictly wrong with it, it doesn't score very high in the originality and "profound observation" departments.

- I think for a poem which is written to be spoken, it ought to rhyme. That would really make this poem more interesting, because it would harken back (to me at least) to work by Shel Silverstein and others who specialize in clever, fun poetry. I think the free verse doesn't add much.

- I was also kinda curious at the setting. At first I thought it was a girl going to school. Then I realized it was a wedding. But I wondered where all the people she seemed to be asking question to, came from. After all, the first questions could be directed at herself. But then, she starts asking other characters. Bit confusing...

But, while there isn't a lot of substance, it was fun.

Haha, surprise ending! I love those.

Fun, cute piece, not a lot of substance, but I like it. The southern "touch" makes it a little unique. :]

The ending was fast, which seemed good to me, showing the bride-to-be's sudden realization.

I'm not usually a huge fan of free verse, but this was an exception.

Sorry for not saying thank you for your comment eariler, but thanks!

This was funny, but I think it would be better if it weren't all in dialouge. You can't really get a feel for the person if all you do is hear them talk and never see their face. This woman is (obviously) a spazzy control-freak, but we want to know why, and maybe something about her fiancce/wedding, too.

Honestly, I'm not a fan of the whole "conversation" style. I don't like it when people write poetry as they talk, and its because while they may be entertaining (yours certainly is) they forget the eventual goal or aim of what poetry is supposed to do: it is your (our?) job as a poet(s) to not only enthral and entertain your reader, but also to play with language, to see how much you can "Get away with" --capitalize in the middle of a sentence. Break words up with spaces, have too much, too little, or no punctuation! GO WILD!
But also, in this playing around, to have the perfect use of the language: to have the best, most effective diction, and in so doing, the ability to paint the reader a story. This means, SHOWING not TELLING. Show me the dress, and how late the speaker woke up, don't tell me.

Also, there is something called psychic weight, which basically is how emotionally a reader get invested, and thus, is effected by the peice. Its generally a good measure of how emotionally vested, i guess would be the best word, the topic matter is. For example: the loss of a loved one in war: high psychic weight. A painful break-up? High Psychic weight. Dying/being in poor health? High Psychic weight. Waking up late? Not so high. Confusing the date of your wedding? While hilarious, not so high.

See my point? You need to work on psychic weight.

The poem is not about the wedding or what the bride is wearing. It's about what her mind in going through on her wedding day. That is all I want the reader to notice. Poetry doesn't have to be in perfect diction. I don't speak perfect diction and who does? Since I don't speak like that my poems aren't going to sound like that all the time. The bride in this poem, she was based off of my sister on her wedding day. She hardly speaks perfect diction.

I'm not saying perfect diction means "perfect eloquence" and whatnot, but it does need to be perfect in the sense that it conveys its message, and meaning, as well as paints its picture perfectly. Further, you need to work on psychic weight.

Also, you need to learn how to take a critique. If you say "be honest" in my critique, I'm going to be blunt and honest, not say "good job!" when it needs improvement. Thats not how I roll. This is a writing site, for people to get better as writers. You don't get better through constant praise, but through critique and criticism. So understanding that, it is a little rude that after I make my critique you try to argue and reason it out to me (and anyone else who may be reading) rather than just taking at face value and using my advice (as someone who is older, a more experienced writer, and has been in your shoes and made those same mistakes before) OR to choose to ignore them and not improve until you realise it yourself. Its your call, but don't argue and try and debate my critique, please. Its rude.

I wasn't saying that directly to you. The other people were saying what you were saying and I was telling them why I wrote the poem a certain way. I didn't mean to be rude.

This was fresh and fun to read, but it doesn't really remind me of a poem. The ending was great, though; reading it felt like taking a deep breath after fussing around, which, I'm sure, was the idea.

Move it! I have to go to my wedding!

I can’t believe that my own friends

Forgot about my wedding!

The repetition of "wedding" stands out.

As I said, this was a funny piece, but I don't think this was very realistic. I mean, who would not be woken up to her own wedding? Other than that, not bad at all! Keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
Demeter xx

I didn't particularly care for it. It just seems so unrefined to me. I found myself reading it quickly, like each line had little meaning. There were too many questions all over the place it seemed like a jumbled mess. Particularly in this section:

Where is my veil?!

My bouquet of flowers?

Is the cake ready?

It's funny and cute, but you really need to put more thought into these things.