Lilac

Lilac, honey, soft and sweet
Merry is your dancing beat
Swirling, singing, laughter rings
Your world is filled with pretty things

Hopeful, loving, laughter lives
Deep inside this pyramid
This land, a land of step and song
Loving for your whole life long

Lively, smiling, love lives true
Open to lighter shades of you
So wear a smile and step up high
Lilac, honey, soft, sweet sigh

Hi Night--

Welcome to YWS! Please take a look at the Rules & Guides. We do ask that you do two reviews of others work before posting every one piece of your own, and that the 2:1 ratio is maintained. You may also want to visit the Welcome forums and introduce yourself. Thanks!

The main thing that bothers me about this poem is that there is no punctuation. I cannot stress enough now important punctuation is in a piece of poetry. It set the pausing and break points....without them the entire poem is read in one breath and I just can't hold my breath that long. Plus there is no flow with pauses, and pauses come from punctuation, eh? Really, add some punctuation and it will be so much better.

Hopeful, loving, laughter lives
Deep inside this pyramid
This land, a land of step and song
Loving for your whole life long

"lives" and "pyramid" do not rhyme but throughout the rest of the poem you have an AABB form...so this definitely needs to rhyme.

Other than that, it was very...cute. Which is odd for poetry on here I suppose, usually it's filled with all kind of roaring deathlike teenage angst (grr!) and all that jazz, so this is refreshingly different. The only really suggestion I have (other than a serious need for punctuation) is to differ the last stanza a tad to make a more formal ending? Or add an additional line after the final stanza or something like that to make a kapow ending.

Good luck!

First of all, thanks for welcoming me. Props. Secondly, am i being forced to comment on other people's pieces? I can see for my first post that I should maybe look into the site first, but maintaining the 2:1 ratio sounds rather pushy.

Poetry does not need to have punctuation. It is not important, because poetry is self-reflected. Just so you know.

I did mean lives, like this is how I live, which sort of rhymes with pyramid; I wrote this poem in literally less than four minutes, so don't blame me.

Thanks, I know it wasn't angsty, which was basically what I was going for.


Kapow.

Night Masquerade ->> Trust me when I say that if that is how you truly feel, then this site is not for you. The Young Writers Society is for people who actually want to be writers one day or at last want to improve their writing.

Staying here will only upset you.

Hi Night,
I liked this poem. It was uplifting, not depressing or angsty, which I liked a lot; you don't find poems like that often, especially ones written by teens. It had a nice flow, but some of the rhymes seem a bit forced. (Of course we all do that when writing poetry sometimes though, especially when writing it quickly. I'm guilty of doing the same thing.) On the whole though I liked this poem, it was very pretty.

First of all, thanks for welcoming me. Props. Secondly, am i being forced to comment on other people's pieces? I can see for my first post that I should maybe look into the site first, but maintaining the 2:1 ratio sounds rather pushy.

Poetry does not need to have punctuation. It is not important, because poetry is self-reflected. Just so you know.

I did mean lives, like this is how I live, which sort of rhymes with pyramid; I wrote this poem in literally less than four minutes, so don't blame me.

Frankly I don't think I should be critiquing this, if you're going to get defensive and complain about having to review other peoples' work, which is what this site is mostly about. It's pretty...big-headed, I should say, for you to join this site and then complain about the rules from the get go. And then of course you have to get defensive when people are just trying to help. However....I suppose if I'm going to be harsh I should at least critique....

I did actually like this poem and couldn't really find too much to complain about. It was a bit cutesy for my taste, I'd say, but I can't really find anything structurally wrong about it. It would really behove you though to include more punctuation, I agree with Via there. Even if all you do is put a period after each stanza, that would be better than a jumbled stream of thought all at once.

Good poem....unfortunately your attitude is rather lacking....

Night Masquerade-

I'm already your friend, but I'll try not to be bias.

On your poem-

I did quite enjoy it. I do agree that the ending could use a bit of umph, or closure, or something. It just sort of cuts off, like turning off the radio in the middle of a good song, you know? And I side with you on the fact of punctuation is not necessary in such poetry, for poetry is art, and art has no meaning if one cannot see between the lines. So if you don't know where the pauses should be, then, excuse my rudeness, you might want to get an English tutor. That is my honest opinion of your poem.

On your response to critique-

I must say, the impression you gave me when you first emailed me was very much off. The person who first critiqued you was gentle and kind and positive about it. They weren't being mean, they were just giving their own opinion! And this site is about giving and receiving criticism, so don't take it so personally. I highly doubt there is anyone here who wants to piss you off by saying your poetry sucks. So, I know you are a generally angry person, but please, please learn to accept criticism in a much more gracious manner.

I'll see you Tuesday, and keep an eyeout for my parents at Superbowl!

DarktoTruth