Daddy's Little Girl

Daddy's Little Girl

We use to curl up on the couch and watch blues clues until the streetlights came on.
He use to kiss my forehead good-night and tuck me in with my teddy bear, Benny.
He woke me up by tickling my ribs until I hic-coughed and laughed, then he would hug me tight.
He drove me to school in his shiny blue car, with the soft gray seats.
He cooked me suppers of roast beef and potato with jelly and ice cream for dessert.
One day Daddy picked me up early from school and brought me to the park.
He sat me up on the wall by the pond with the ducks and frog's.
He took some bread out of a brown paper bag and handed me some to feed to the ducks.
That day Daddy told me he had cancer and he would be sick for a while.
I started to cry and Daddy told me it was going to be okay as he stroked my hair. He told me Nana would look after me.
I sniffled and blew my nose and hugged Daddy tight. He kissed my head and I whispered, "I love you, Daddy" into his ear.
"I love you too, Maria" Daddy whispered back.
One night Nana and me were watching blue's clues because daddy was too sick too.
I heard something drop and daddy call out in pain and Nanna told me to concentrate on the show, she'd be right back.
Daddy went into hospital that night, but never came home.
Nana told me that Daddy was taken to heaven by the angel's and that I would see him again one day.
I asked Nana why the angel's took him. She told me it was because the angel's needed him.
I missed Daddy, he was my best friend. He loved me when mommy didn't.
Daddy told me he would never leave me, like mommy did to him, and me even though he left me on that cold December day.
I knew it wasn't Daddy's fault; it was the angel's. I knew Daddy didn't want to leave me, he wanted to stay.
I was too young to understand the meaning of what happened at the age of six, but now, four years later, I do.
I Know Daddy is with me in my heart and every night when I feel the soft lips on my forehead,
I know it's him kissing me goodnight.

o_O Umm...are you sure this shouldn't be in the poetry section?

I think this is supposed to be in another section.

*pats n00bs head* Don't worry you'll get it eventually.

Ask a mod to move it plz..... This isn't a story-book. Its ok though, anyone can make a mistake like that.....

*Moved to other poetry.*

Okay, sice there have been 5 replies but no crits, I guess I'll be the first. If it is in fact a poem, you need to break up the stanzas more. It doesn't make sense and doesn't flow well in it's current form. So yeah, break up the stanzas and I think you'll be good. Other then that, I kind of liked this. It's really sad though. I enjoyed reading it and welcome to YWS. If you have any questions, any at all, just ask me on chat or PM me. I'll be happy to answer any questions you have.

-Joel-

Ok first of all this is in the wrong section. If you dont know the different styles of writing you should learn them k. well it is sad, but if your trying to make this a story its not convincing. Do you say Nana when you talk to your nan?Maybe writing isn`t your thing, this wasn`t intertaining at all, get some experiance and try again:)

I quite like this, apart from the fact it's in the wrong section- which I think we've already totally exhausted so I'm going to shut up about that now lol.
It made me feel engaged, and although I think you're still settling into your style which is obvious from the verses the general effect was very heartfelt and convincing.
But to make it in this crazy world of writing- You need to step your game up.
Good luck and Keep going

Maybe writing isn`t your thing, this wasn`t intertaining at all, get some experiance and try again:)

Don't listen to her. I really liked it actually. It was rather sad, but sometimes people just need to tell a sad story. That's really what this was, though: a story. I know you've heard only too many times its in the wrong section, blah blah blah, but I think you think it is a poem, so....

If I were you I would definetly turn it into a story. To me it holds too much storyline to be a poem. There are plenty of possibilities here, and I think it would even be better if you expanded it and turned it into a short story. If you want to keep it a poem, I would suggest you cut it down some and really focus on the main points in the story. Take out anything you dont need and be concise, but choose the right words and see what words you can use to really pack a punch.

Great job, though, all I have here are suggestions on how you might be able to only improve something that's already good

I agree that it is not poetry, early on i did have it in short story and it was only my first time on this site. I do think it should be in other fiction, so I'm going to move it there now.

Thank you for the reviews!

To TickledPink: I don't mean to come off as rude but what you said to lakegirls:

Maybe writing isn`t your thing, this wasn`t intertaining at all, get some experiance and try again:)

I dont think that it is very fair for you to tell someone that they have no experince. I mean you don't even know her. I agree it it not one of her better pieces. It is also not fair for you to go tell someone to go get some writing experince, you dont know have much they have, she does have a lot, just so you know.
You can write a review to help, and give your opinon, not tell them how much writng experince they may or may not have.
She does have experince and what gives you the right to say she dosen't?!?!
It was very blunt of you and I don't approve of you saying that to someone you don't even know.
That was actual very rude and mean of you.

hmm, I'm going to pick apart your work! No, I'm just kidding. Um, this needs to besplit up into different stanza and don't worry since everyone else has stollen all the words from my mouth and mind. I like this, alot... maybe even more one you've split it into different stanzas. Good luck and happy writing.

i actually enjoyed this poem and would have to disagree with some of the people because it is actual poetry and can be written in many forms. it was very emotional.






Why wish me happiness
Then break my heart two?
Why tell me to find a dream
Then prayed it wouldn't come true?