Grey

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 12
Grey

You saunter through the streets.
Grey, lost in a mirage of colour.
Plain. Dull. No heads turn now,
But you were beautiful once.

For once you were purple!
You stood tall and proud as purple, I remember.
You were vivacious, exuberant, wide eyed.
Spectacular!
Vitality was embodied in you.
But time claimed your glowing cheeks
And made them sag.
And after a time you changed to blue.

And I watched you gradually decay
The allure and mystique lost -
To grey.


Let me know what you think. Thanks.
And All That Jazz




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 840
Reviews 168
I love this poem! in fact i'd like to print it of but don't worry i wont
I love the language, the description, escpeciall the bit,
You were vivacious, exuberant, wide eyed.
Spectacular!
Vitality was embodied in you.
But time claimed your glowing cheeks
And made them sag.
And after a time you changed to blue.

Oh! I wish i had written it. I can't think of a thing you should improve
Charlotte




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 12
Thanks alot:D
And All That Jazz




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 12
Just wanted to ad that my reference to purple is a literary allusion to "Warning" by Jenny Joseph.
And All That Jazz




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 335
I have no critique for this; the language and imagery is wonderful, and it has a very effective wistful tone. ^_^
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14170
Reviews 571
I do not really critique poetry, but the I do read it sometimes, and so I thought that I would actually say when I liked it. So, there you go, I like it. I liked the language, the contrast - unfortunately, as you see, I offer no real tips or advice.

There's only one tiny little thing:

quote:
But you were beautiful once
.
Comma before 'once'?

Esme



Way, way back in the 1988 Presidential election, then Vice President George H W Bush had a phrase he liked to use: "A Thousand Points of Light." It refers to the idea that a community is made up of people who contribute in a thousand, different small ways, but with each helping to illuminate their community. It's a phrase I think about a lot when it comes to YWS. Looking forward, the site will continue to change and grow, but it will always remain a community dedicated to promoting creative writing as a favorite pastime.
— Nate