Nine O'Clock in Gaithersburg

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1144
Reviews 381
put your ear to the earth -
like mother's cheek against child's,
this feels so much like home.

even with only a concrete line
dividing you from roaring metal beasts,
there is magic in the insect words,
and lingua ignota between sap and blood;

even with a pall of machine exhalations
drawn close over distant freckles of sun,
the night sky warms and welcomes,
steadfast reminder of life before light.

put your ear to the earth -
like the fit of your hand in mine,
this feels so much like home.
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1125
Reviews 368
I liked this poem very much, though its short but in these few lines the poems feelings worked well. I may call it short and sweet. :)

put your ear to the earth -
like mother's cheek against child's,
this feels so much like home.


I liked the starting,its very soothing.


even with only a concrete line
dividing you from roaring metal beasts,
there is magic in the insect words,
and lingua ignota between sap and blood;


In this para,I would have liked the even's e in caps and the word lingua ignota,is ignota-ignot or did ya mean something else.

In all the poem was really good. :)
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
and lingua ignota between sap and blood;

I'd see this better with just a plain old period.

(a) steadfast reminder of life before light.

Since the "night" is a steadfast reminder, why not add "a" to specify what the reminder is?

Your work is improving steadily, Fand. I look forward to more.
Carpe Diem.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1144
Reviews 381
Thanks for the crit, guys! And ANI - 'lingua ignota' is really just a fancy term for a secret or unknown language.
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)



"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites