Freedom.

Ok, this is my first try on writing a haiku, hope the syllables are ok.. And hope in this haiku I didn’t miss anything. Feel free to tell me if something is wrong in it, cuz I really want to practice writing haiku’s.


Wonderful blue sky,
Parachute fly high up through
The Clouds of freedom.

I'm not entirely fond of haikus, but I'll try to help.

Wonderful blue sky,
'Wonderful' is a little abstract. Maybe try portraying the blue sky as wonderful instead of outright saying it.

Overall, I thought it could have been more subtle. Try to get the feeling of freedom across in this haiku, not just by saying the words. I know there are restraints and a strict limit for beats, but I think you can do it. Sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck with this!

Does "Clouds" need to be capatlized in the last line?

Yeah. That's about as much help I can give with a haiku, I guess. They're very hard to crit. I think emotion_less has the right idea, though: try to get the feelings across without actually saying it outright. If that makes any sense.

Hope I helped!

I liked how "fly" and "sky" rhymed an all. Gave it another layer. I back Cassandra's question - does clouds have to be capatalized?

emotion_less:That is a lot of help,I guess u are right about feeling of freedom in this haiku.I'll try to work on it.Thanks.

Cassandra:Thanks for the help.

xanthan gum:Thanks!

This is nice, it feels very open, very clear. I liked the "sky" and "fly" connection also, it's really cool. Good job!

cx

As far as Haikus go, its okay, syllable wise. But, in doing so, you've compromised all vividness, detail, meaning, etc. (GRR! THATS WHY I HATE HAIKUS!!! GRRR!!!)
AHEM. Anyways, its okay, I guess, theres not much to comment on, so I guess the only thing I can say is to try and somehow work in more detail and/or emotion, which I know is hard when your syllables are lacking. Personally, I would go for a limerick, because there are more syllables available. w00t.

ANI wrote:Wonderful blue sky,
Parachute fly high up through
The Clouds of freedom.

I don't think the line 'wonderful blue sky' really fits in with the rest of the poem. That might just be me, but I don't see any relevance.

Perhaps,

Parachute fly high
up and through the clouds to where
there will be freedom.

Just a thought.

Cx:Thanks glad u liked it.

Dan:Thanks for the advice and yes limericks are better.

green_river:Thanks for reading it.

Parachute fly high
up and through the clouds to where
there will be freedom.

And yeah the one u made is good.But I wanted the image of the sky to be there,I wanted the full image of a parachute in a blue sky.

I like it. I like the image of the parachute and that being connected to freedom. It was something different, not the first image that comes to mind with the word freedom. I also liked the 'fly sky' rhyme. The last line reminded me of Bob Marley's Songs of Freedom. Keep trying with the haikus - it's the way to learn.

Thanks BFG,glad u liked it.

I seems to have the meaning of wanting to be free. Thats good. Give all af your pieces meaning if you can. As for a haiku I believe it's very good. They should have meaning like yours does.

Yeh, the 'sky' and 'fly' connection was nice, but, as everyone else said, does 'Clouds' have to be capitalised?

All the best,

RR*

Thanks piepiemann22 for reading it.
Surely haikus are good.

Thanks RR !Yeah i think C can be in small caps too.


Glad u liked it.

-Ani

I liked it but yes why is clouds capitalised?

miyaviloves