Like almost everybody else said: WOW! This is really good. It's a fast paced poem and it's pretty deep too. This must mean you look at life from a pretty depressing view but, In a way that's how the world is getting nowdays.
Hire people to crit your work! Get paid to crit other people's work!
The YWS crit shop:forum/viewtopic.php?t=8018
He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night. — Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart