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World So Cold

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18 Reviews

Gender: Female
Points: 1193
Reviews: 18
Wed Jan 18, 2012 2:12 pm
Disenchanted says...

Spoiler! :
Yet, here again, I am. Begging upon my knees for critics to show and read my stories. xD This is perhaps another story I started but doesn't know whether to continue or not. Help?

The Beginning


Weeooo! Weeooo! The sirens blared all around her as her bare feet thudded against the cold, marble floors. Her breaths came in ragged gasps, her harms swinging as she tried to produce more speed. A light shone at the end of the hallway. She ran to it in anticipation, hope brewing in swirls inside her. Her corset was making it even harder to breathe, and her puffy, green gown kept making her stumble.

A dead end.

Her hope fell into the inner corners of her heart. Eyes widening and lips forming a little ‘O’ of shock, she fell to her knees in dread and punched the wall with as much force as she could muster, the reverberations sending shivers down her spine. Sobs caught in her throat as she slammed her fists into the wall repeatedly, as if trying to break down the brick wall. There was no effect.

She had failed. After trying so hard, this was the outcome. Failure.

“Adelina, where are you? Father’s so worried after you ran off during our little game. Oh, Andiiiiiii,” A sinister, cold voice sounded quite a distance away. It was close enough to make Andi shiver in both horror and disgust. She made no attempt to respond. She faced away from the wall, preparing to meet her cruel creator.

“Andi, honey. Where could you be? We’re not done with the experiment. You’re still unstable. Come on now, child. I don’t want to hurt you,” The voice hissed again, its sound giving away its location. It was nearing Andi now, and she narrowed her eyes, still not responding.

What do I do? The thought echoed in her mind, as if on replay.

The flicker of hope reappeared again, her mind slowly formulating a plan. It was risky, but it will have to do.

Andi closed her eyes and held both her palms to her heart, channeling her inner spirit to get smaller… and smaller… and smaller…

“NO!” The voice bellowed, and suddenly a man in all black attire appeared before Andi, who at this point was encased in a mysterious, blue energy, tears streaking down her cheeks. A smile played on her lips.

“Experiment 44-OJS, I command you to stop this instant! I repeat-“ Th man’s voice was cut off as he flew backwards, propelled by the energy eminating from Andi.

“-And thus, I send to you my spirit,” She finished as a whisper, and the room exploded in a world of color.

Widening his eyes in disbelief, the man arose from his corner, staring wildly around for any sign of his Experiment. But alas... Andi was gone.
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light."
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay... It's not the end."

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43 Reviews

Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 43
Sun Jan 22, 2012 1:07 am
DragonGirl11 says...

Hey Disenchanted! What you've got here is a great beginning for a story. I would love to read the rest.
Now, some line-by-liners:
-"Weeooo!Weeooo!" I'm not entirely sure why, but didn't really like this as a beginning. It may have something to do with setting a funny tone. If it were me, I'd likely cut that out and just start with "The Sirens..."
-You've got "harms" instead of "arms" - and maybe try "pumping" them instead of "swinging" them, to make it seem more controlled?
-"Andi" is an rather funny nickname for "Adelina", don't you think?
-I got a good impression of setting: a scientist created a little girl in an experiment in a Victorian-type setting. Except I don't know how sirens fit with marble halls, corsets, and puffy green gowns.
-Oooooh I love the way she does the magic thingy with her soul and the colours! I just love the descriptions!

Can you write the rest so I can read it please? :D

Write on and God bless!

"You could look at the raindrops on your window, or you could look through the window and see the rainbow."
~K.C. Oxford


Science is the key to our future, and if you don’t believe in science, then you’re holding everybody back. And it’s fine if you as an adult want to run around pretending or claiming that you don’t believe in evolution, but if we educate a generation of people who don’t believe in science, that’s a recipe for disaster. We talk about the Internet. That comes from science. Weather forecasting. That comes from science. The main idea in all of biology is evolution. To not teach it to our young people is wrong.
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