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My first page of my first story. Thoughts ? (1st draft)



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Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:35 am
KevinMckie says...



"Faster !"
"Faster !"
Shouted a small goblin, in a loud squeaky high pitched voice as he lashed his long whips upon four huge magnificent black stallions.
"Sir we shall be arriving soon", shouted the goblin over the noise of the galloping horse's and the gilded carriage wheels spinning wildly.
Inside the carriage there sat one passenger dressed in a large black cloak with hood hiding his appearance from all to see. The hooded passenger was froze motionless lost in thought gazing into a misty, clouded coloured orb held firmly in his hand. At incredible speeds the horse's drove the carriage forward down the dark forest's moonlit, narrow road surrounded by trees and darkness on either side. The view from the carriage's windows through the silk curtains was almost nothing more than a dark, green blur with the excessive speeds that the carriage was travelling.
"Whoa ! Whoa !" Screamed the goblin driver, as the carriage horse's started to slow down.
As soon as the carriage came to a standstill the small goblin jumped down from his driving seat and scurried round the back to open the passengers carriage door, with a small snap of the goblin's long fingers the carriage door swung open and a small set of steel steps sprung into place for the hooded passenger to descend. The hooded passenger appeared from inside the carriage, down the stairs still grasping the little misty white orb within under his robes.
The goblin was smartly dressed in a black silk waistcoat and trousers with a large, silver pocket watch on a little chain, he stood looking up with small beady eyes as the hooded passenger approached him, the goblin smiled with a wide grin through his long frizzly ginger beard showing his tiny, pointy teeth.
"Here we are sir, your destination, squeaked the goblin looking around trying to figure out why the hooded stranger would want to come here, there was nothing here but trees as far as the little goblin could see.
"That will be one hundred gold Sentalds" , said the goblin holding out his small hand with his long pointy fingers outstretched.
" Here as promised " , replied the hooded stranger in a quiet calm voice from the darkness inside his hood, dropping a small leather bag of coins into the goblin's hand.
"Thank you sir, said the goblin quickly taking one more curious look around him, before rushing back to the driving seat of the carriage.
"If you ever need my services again sir, you know how to contact me", loudly squeaked the goblin just before whipping the horse's with his black laces once more as the carriage disappeared down the road into the darkness. The hooded stranger stood still on the spot, watching the carriage vanish before jumping over the ditch off the road into the woods still holding the glass orb.

I have completed 4 chapters of this story but have of late slowed down. I have posted this first page just for any thoughts any writers and readers may have about it and if they feel they would like to read more of it etc ... So thoughts please :?
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:54 am
JudyG710 says...



Hello. First, I would like to point out that you did not need the apostrophe in "horse's". You are trying to make it plural, so the apostrophe is not needed. Another thing, Some of your sentences appear to be run-ons. Such as: "The goblin was smartly dressed in a black silk waistcoat and trousers with a large, silver pocket watch on a little chain, he stood looking up with small beady eyes as the hooded passenger approached him, the goblin smiled with a wide grin through his long frizzly ginger beard showing his tiny, pointy teeth." This can be easily fixed with some periods, commas, and/or some semicolons. Also, some of your dialogue is lacking end quotations. Again, can easily be fixed with some quotation marks. Also, I don't really know why I should care about this hooded man and his orb. Perhaps putting a little more information in there would help that situation out. Other than those few things, I really did enjoy reading this piece. I can't wait to read the rest of the story, if you wish to post it. Keep writing, and may the Force be with you.
"Always believe in yourself. Do this, and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear." - Baron Humbert von Gikkingen
JudyG <3
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2012 2:29 pm
LadySpark says...



Hi Kevin!
I"m Drama.
And I would like to point out that this isn't in the correct spot. This is Writing Activities, which is places to get exercises that help with writing.

You may want to contact a mod to have your chapter moved to the correct location.

If you need any help, contact me! I'll be happy to help in any way.
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:50 pm
Rosendorn says...



Or, if you notice something in the wrong place, PM a mod yourself so they'll move it.

Moved to Fantasy short stories.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

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