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My Fantasy's



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Gender: Female
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Sun Jan 01, 2012 6:50 am
WelcomingException says...



My feet were bare in the soft white sand beneath my feet. A canvas stood in front of me, a picture slowly made its way across the plane white canvas. Colours exploded, and my fantasy became a reality at the tip of my fingers. The majestic white waves with pure white dolphins jumping and crashing down only to be reborn with the next wave. The black sand crawling with little black crabs that would climb on your shoulder and sing sweet songs in your ear. The palm trees that hung loosely beside the beach and would always shade you when you wanted it.

Yes. My fantasy. Something only my dreams would prevail. Yet, here I stand on a beach of white sand and blue oceans. No white dolphins jumped with the waves, crabs nipping at my toes, and palm tree to far from the beach to do any good. I packed up my finished piece, and slowly walked back the five blocks to my summer home, putting the painting on the top of other fantasies that would never come true. My beautiful little French town of romantic French men with red roses ready for my taking, or my field of rolling oats and leaping deer. All lost dreams, all forgotten fantasies.

That night I dreamed of my beach, but this wasn't an ordinary dream, I could feel the soft sand between my feet, I could smell the fresh salty air. My eyes flickered open, and I stood on my black sand beach, and a little crab tapped my toe lightly. I jumped back expecting it to nip me, it only sauntered back over to me and tap my foot again. I hesitantly let the little crab crawl onto my hand; he then walked up to my shoulder and started to sing sweet songs into my ears. I smiled. Once the little black crab finished its song, it jumped down and shuffled away. I watched my dolphins jumping with the waves, and only wished to be with them. I looked down noticing a light blue bathing suit form on my body.

I sprinted into the shallow water, stopping short when one of the dolphins turned black. It didn't happen again. So I jumped into the water. Beautiful white dolphins swam under the water, gliding by me with ease. I glanced around and notice that black one starring me down. It dashed towards me, the water turned to blood, and the other dolphins turned black as well, all had sharp green fangs and wild crazy eyes.

The first black one still darting towards me, I swarm for the surface, taking a deep breath as I reached its calm surface and noticed myself sitting in a field of rolling oats. My other fantasy, the sky danced with sunset colours, crimson reds and blushing pinks. The wind briskly whistled threw the stocks of oats. A group of deer jumped through the stocks, beautiful and graceful. A gun shot went off, one deer feel and the other scattered out of sight, I stood to find the shooter, but nobody was near.

The sun set and the field grew dark, the wind picked up, whistling wildly in the dark night. The crops twisted and turned grabbing my legs and holding me still. I pushed them away, only to have more grabbing at me, twisting around me pulling me down into the depths of crops. I screamed, and a man with a small skinny gun appeared, point the gun at me. I closed my eyes. The man pulled on my arm, but the oats held tight. Finally he jerked hard enough to pull me out.

Music filled the air, the man’s arms wrapped around me. I open my eyes to see my small French town; I looked at the man, to see a handsome blond haired gentleman holding me fondly with a red rose in his one hand. I took the rose generously as he led me to a vineyard table. Another handsome man with a guitar came up singing and playing beautifully. I sat there with both men pressing in, the one holding me hand, the other playing the guitar. The man holding my hand went in for a kiss so I sat there with my lips puckered.

Something cold and sharp hit my neck; I open my eyes, to have the man holding my hand holding a knife to my neck, and the man with the guitar tying my torso to the chair. I looked at the rose to see it darken and wither to ashes in my hands. The world turned grey, oats covered the table and crawled towards my neck, wanting to strangle me. We emerged in the ocean, blood red and black dolphins jumping around me and the men. I screamed and I screamed.

My head jolted up. I kept my eyes closed though, I heard cars passing by my window, and soft bed covers surrounded me. I pried one eyes open at a time, and saw my small crowded bedroom. I immediately got up, grabbing my painting and threw them in the ocean. Never again will I paint my dreams. Never again.
What a Welcoming Exception *
  





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Gender: Female
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Sun Jan 01, 2012 4:38 pm
hazellgreene says...



Oh wow...I love this!!

First, I didn't notice any immediate spelling/grammar mistakes, so well done!

And secondly, the concept is amazing, these wonderful dreams that turn against their maker! Your language is fantastic - you're very succinct and clear in your writing, which I like!

If I were to suggest an improvement, it would be this - don't be scared of lengthening it out. The tension is sky-high all the way through and that's brilliant as she's travelling through all the different dreams, but the tension is still there when she wakes up in her own room. Try lengthening this a little bit - including descriptions of all the senses here would do this. E.g. you could talk about what she sees, hears, feels, smells, etc, in more detail. Just a little suggestion, but apart from that, it's brilliant and I can't wait to read more of your work!
...we're only good for the latest trends...

I walk on wounds that seldom prove to slow me down

'Writing is a cop-out. An excuse to live perpetually in fantasy land, where you can create, direct and watch the products of your own head. Very selfish.'
~ Monica Dickens
  





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Mon Jan 09, 2012 8:21 pm
Seshat says...



I really loved this, the violent dolphins were a little weird but I had to keep reading to see what happened next. I think you did a good job a capturing the reader, the only grammatical error I found was:
I immediately got up, grabbing my painting and threw them in the ocean.

Either change "painting" to "paintings" or change "threw them" to "threw it"
Simple plural mistake

One other thing I'll mention:
I screamed and I screamed.

Is the second "screamed" needed,? It would have really captured me if you had just said "I screamed." Or changed the sentence altogether to something more dramatic :)

Other than these, it was amazing, the idea of her dreams coming true only to turn dark and the language you used was excellent! *applauds the story* <3

Seshat
I'd rather Waltz
Than just Walk
Through the Forest,
The Trees keep the Tempo
As they sway in Time!


"Evil guys get all the cool clothes."
~Isis Hawthorne
  








she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
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