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Revenge of the Wolves



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Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:01 pm
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Omnom says...



This is a prologue of a still developing story. Please review and if you have a negative review, make sure to use constuctive critism! :D

The pack had it in their scent. The woman. She was theirs.
The panting of the companion beside the lead wolf stopped as they slowed down. The alpha had her in his sights.
But why wasn’t she running anymore? The woman had collapsed and was screaming in the cool night air. No fun if your prey doesn’t want to play around anymore.
But the alpha once again had the florescent scent of blood in his nose. He silently crept in.
The woman was panting, her head down and her arms around her knees, like a fetal position. Droplets of blood were around her. Dark hair ran down the front of her face like a waterfall, bathed in shadow.
The alpha male had closed in on her, just far away enough for the woman not to see him. He bent his head down and licked a small drop of crimson blood on the ground. The taste was different. He raised his head to the full moon and howled to his companions.

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The woman looked up. Nothing was around her, but she could sense they were close. Just a little more time. The road was not far away, but she knew if she got any closer, the wolves would not pity her.
Exhausted, she let out a breath. Guide me, Mother Moon, through this task. The pain hit her. She screamed once again.

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The alpha male lowered his head and studied the woman. She was staring at the moon. He looked back up at the moon as a bloodcurdling scream split the silence. The wolf howled to the moon. The feast was about to begin.

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Another life was about to be brought upon this earth, yet no one would be there to rejoice it. Only myself and Mother Moon. And the wolves.
She bent her head in, panting evenly. The howling increased. She could feel their anticipation.
The pain was too much. She laid back as the moon gazed down upon her. She breathed her last breath, as her child breathed its first.

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The alpha male gave the order. Time to feast! He rushed in.
The sound of crying stopped the young male.
He bent in and crouched closer to the woman. The crying was not coming from her, no; it was coming from something else. A cub!
The woman had brought a cub into this world from her last breath. The alpha male sneaked over to the woman. In the folds of her dress lay a small child, crying for the entire world to hear.
The wolves knew what this meant. The prophecy is to come true.
The alpha male nursed the child and gently grabbed the cub in his mouth. A young male wolf crouched over to the woman and began knowing on her neck.
The alpha growled and threw himself in the wolf. Whimpering, the rest of the pack drew back. The alpha opened his mouth to reveal the cub.
The pack knew what to do.
Last edited by Omnom on Thu Dec 15, 2011 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Formerly Kirkiln
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 6:14 pm
MasterGrieves says...



This is definetely better than Twilight. It is better than any other teenage appealling werewolf/vampire thing. I am not sure if it does appeal to that market and if it is your intentions, but this is what I am talking about: why can't the whole premise of a werewolf novel be a pack of wolves, going around, being awesome? So this is a huge, HUGE improvement over an idea that was been crucified too many times.

But, in all honesty, it isn't saying very much. It is flawed and places, and I found your language cryptic.

But I do like your structure. A couple of the paragraphs were bordering on great, and overall it is an impressive start. It has a very simple atmosphere, but whether that is a good thing or not varies between the paragraphs. Some of the passages were perfect for that slow building simplicity, but other complex parts (e.g. the "woman") needed something. It needs dialogue. Pure and simple.

Your piece isn't boring. No, not at all. But make sure that another reader doesn't. Readers have different things they look out for in a novel. If this is a more adult novel, then kudos. If this is to appeal to a teenage audience, it may be too slow paced for them.

And that is the main problem I have with this intro: it isn't sure what it is. Sure, it is a werewolf novel, but is it? To what extent? Who does it appeal to? Why would your target audience want to read your book? Just a few questions you need to ask yourself before making the big step to finishing the novel. I don't usually give star ratings, so I shall now.

Your idea isn't bad, and it is quite nice. But I am just not sure how to approach it.

3/5 stars
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Wed Dec 14, 2011 7:49 pm
Omnom says...



Why thank you for this wonderful review.
Infact, I do not know what I am going to do to further this story yet, but I know that your review will make sure I make it longer.
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Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:31 pm
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Ad1la3tt3n says...



Hi.

Personally I'm a little biassed. I love wolves! I have done a little research on wolves that may help your story. If you have already done your own research or you think the book will be better without these tidbits feel free to ignore.

pack structure: since it is clear you will be using an "Alpha" pack I will not bore you with the other types.
Most of the time the alphas of the pack are a mated pair. The rest of the pack are their children. Some alpha pack are not family units, But it is uncommon. In most alpha packs if any lower members have pups the alpha will either kill the pups, take custody of the pups, or (rarely) do nothing.

Moon: Wolves do not howl at the moon. Wolves howl for defence, bonding, and comunication.

To sum up: This could be a story many people will enjoy, including m. You seem to be using the Stereo-type of a wolf that people have known for ages, which could be good or bad. remember the subject of wolves is controversial and we still don't Know everything. Stick with your gut and it's sure to be a good story.
Last edited by Ad1la3tt3n on Sat Dec 17, 2011 7:33 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:59 pm
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MikeMoney says...



Hey, I enjoyed this...prolouge alot and it really got me eager to read more! As far as I saw, i've seen no mistakes as far as grammar and punctuation so good job and keep up the good work mate!
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