Young Writers Society

Home » Read / Write » Short Stories » Fantasy Short Stories

A short scene from my book



User avatar
46 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 240
Reviews: 46
Mon Dec 12, 2011 1:06 am
emilybrodo says...



Selina woke to a sickening chuckle. Her vision became clear, and she saw a dark figure looming over her. Selina scrambled away from it until she was panting in fright, leaning against the oak’s trunk disturbed by the animalistic feeling inside her that was screaming out. Run. Yet she was frozen in fright. It strode up to her and crouched by her side. By now Selina’s heart was in her throat, she felt as if this person was not someone she’d enjoy meeting. He breathed deeply as if taking in her scent, Selina felt like puking at its strange action. She couldn’t see him properly, but she knew it was a male due to his shape. He smelled of blood.

“How foolish of you to come out at night when I’m around,” he laughed in a hoarse voice. “This certainly will be a treat, after years of just human blood, I finally get to sink my teeth into something much more satisfying,” Selina jumped up and began to sprint as she heard his call, “I love it when they run,” and he laughed like a maniac.

She ran, frightened, faster than her feet could take, it didn’t help that she couldn’t see very well. When she ran into a clearing by the river he then appeared in front of her, leaning on a tree. Selina backed away as desperation came as small squeals in her heavy breaths. Then the thing began to casually walk towards her, so she turned back towards the oak and ran, on her third step he was in front of her again. In the moonlight she saw his fangs, its fangs. It grabbed her and dipped her down into its arms, the moon reflected on the river’s water and she saw its face clearly. Its eyes weren’t human as they blackened and appeared almost hypnotic. They stared into her soul piercing it like knives.

“Imagine my peak, strongest of them all, fastest too, and they will know my wits. It’s seems the dark gods have given me a gift. You my child, will forever be mine,” and it licked Selina’s neck, taking in her smell, and then the vampire sunk it’s fangs into her flesh. She screamed yet it closed a hand over her mouth. Selina struggled in attempt to get free but the vampire was too strong. Selina felt some blood trickle down her neck and he held her closer to him. Slowly Selina’s strength was drained and she thought she was going to die, as she passed out, the river and night blurred and her conscious slipped into eternal depths of nightmares.
Last edited by emilybrodo on Wed Dec 14, 2011 11:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.
“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” - Albert Einstein

The game

Free reviews here
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 906
Reviews: 3
Mon Dec 12, 2011 1:27 am
View Likes
Boogie97 says...



So it was really good but just in the last paragraph you repetitivley say it and her. Just fix that or the reader will get boring.
  





User avatar
17 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1468
Reviews: 17
Mon Dec 12, 2011 1:49 am
View Likes
MikeMoney says...



I enjoyed this, honestly in my eyes I haven't seen any errors or anything messed up as in grammar and puncuation. I would like to read more :).
"If your horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate" - Taylor Swift #Stop Bullying!

Need (Re)views on your work?: page.php?id=1535
  





User avatar
53 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 53
Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:53 am
View Likes
Ranger51 says...



Hello there! I really like the idea and plot of this, and the characters, but I think you should show more, not tell. Right now, you seem to mostly be telling: "she did this," "he said this," "she felt this." Elaborate! Why did she do this, and how? What was his tone when he said it? Describe what she felt, what it was like.

Here's an example:

Selina woke to a sickling sickening chuckle. That's actually pretty good. Her vision became clear, and she saw a figure looming over her. What kind of figure? A dark one? A big one?Selina scrambled away from it until she was panting in fright, leaning against the oak’s trunk. Why? Why is she frightened? The reader doesn't know that she's afraid until it says 'panting in fright,' and we still don't know why. Plus the transition between calm and scary is so fast that the reader doesn't really pick it up. It strode up to her and crouched by her side. By now Selina’s heart was in her throat,; she felt as if this person was not someone she’d enjoy meeting. WHY?? He breathed deeply as if taking in her scent,; Selina felt like puking at this strange action. (I feel like the word 'this' sounds sort of detached and scientific; 'the' is simpler. That's probably personal preference, though.) She couldn’t see him properly, but she knew it was a guy due to his shape. 'Guy' is a very casual and relaxed word and it seems out of place in the sentence. Also, if you're going to describe the figure, I'd put it before he moves, so that the reader has a better image in their heads when the action begins. He smelt smelled of blood.


I also suggest that you break up the second and third paragraphs. The first one was great when it comes to length, but the other two are imposing and look like a big hunk of words instead of a readable paragraph.

There are a lot of things I could also mention, but it's a bunch of nitpicky issues that could be fixed pretty quickly on your own. I'd suggest proofreading before you post - for style and tone just as much as grammar. Always think, "how can this sentence be better? How can this paragraph be better?" It really helps me, at least.

I think you have it in you be a really good writer. You revealed the character of the vampire very well, without even describing him much. I've also read you poem and it's wonderful - you have real skill with words. Although narrative writing is a lot different, you have to make sure the words work with one another; it's just by tone instead of rhythm. I hope you keep writing - I'd love to see some more of your works!
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
-Fahrenheit 451
  





User avatar
46 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 240
Reviews: 46
Thu Dec 15, 2011 6:58 am
emilybrodo says...



Thank you guys, these comments are amazing! I'll be sure to fix anything that brings my story down, and I have posted a bit more of my book if you'd like to take a look. (There from completely different scenes.) Keep up the great comments!!
“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” - Albert Einstein

The game

Free reviews here
  





User avatar
161 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8624
Reviews: 161
Thu Dec 15, 2011 7:17 am
View Likes
NightWriter says...



Hey again!

I loved this, can't wait to see more, actually!

The previous comments are yeah, all really valuable, but remember that this is your story :) You don't always have to change it the way they say.
Still; in saying that, you're doing well, with only a few mentioned mistakes.

I loved this line:

They stared into her soul piercing it like knives.


NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  





User avatar
739 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 32546
Reviews: 739
Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:37 am
View Likes
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



I like what you have here. I love vampire stories, so this was cool x) I really can't wait to see what happens to this girl after she is changed. You also mentioned that she's not human, so I'm wondering about how that will play out, too.

You definitely put some work into the descriptions and that's great. Keep it up for the future chapters too!

I did think the last line was a little weak, though.
Slowly Selina’s strength was drained and she thought she was going to die, as she passed out, the river and night blurred and her conscious slipped into eternal depths of nightmares.


I would've written it more like
Slowly, Selina's strength was drained, and there came a moment when she realized she was going to die. Her eyes became heavy, the river and the night blurred from her conscious, and she slipped into an eternal depth of nightmares.

Well, not the best, that's for sure. I'd just try to make the cliffhanger as dramatic as possible.

This is a good start to the story x)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
— Michael McClary