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The Title Right Now Is The School Chapter 1 Part 1



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Thu Dec 08, 2011 8:04 pm
Omnom says...



Please Review and tell me your thought, this story is giving me a huge headache :)

Never mind, don't review, I am figuring out a way to take this story off of YWS, sorry for all of you who read it :shock:



The door slid open. “First day of school, everybody.” A red- colored hair boy said as he slung his arm around two girls, both around his age. One was a tall blond-haired girl who groaned and threw the boy’s arm off of her. “Oh come on, Chelsea, you know you like me.” Said the redhead, still hanging on the other girl.
“Maybe in your dreams, Victor.” Chelsea remarked as she picked up her huge chapter books. The other three high school kids were already in the bus, but Victor, Chelsea, and the other girl that was so attached to Victor stood for a moment.
Victor gathered himself together and walked up to the steps. “Let’s go, slowpokes, come on, Brittany, I’ll find us a seat.” Brittany, a short, attractive dark-colored haired girl, giggled and ran up the stairs after him.
“High school.” Chelsea muttered as she walked up to the bus.
The inside was partially crowded, with all of the young kids sitting three to a seat and throwing paper and pieces of chewed up gum at each other. The middle school kids, as usual sat in the middle of the bus, keeping to themselves, while the back twelve seats were reserved for the small number of high school people who ride that bus.
In fact, there were only six people going to the high school, and they were all at that bus stop. Victor sat in one of the middle seats, osmosing into Brittany as she sat next to him, giggling all the while. Chelsea sat by herself across from Victor, while the other three high schoolers sat in the last seats.
The three other high schoolers didn’t say much, they kept to themselves the entire time on the bus, making no note to even talk to the three freshmen.
One of the elementary kids, a dark colored boy, looked at Brittany. “You’re cute!” Brittany giggled all over herself and whipped her hair back and forth.
“Little dude, she’s taken.” Victor smiled as the boy frowned and turned around in his seat.
The bus lurched to a halt. “Last stop for y’all middle kids.” The last of the middle schoolers got off at a large middle school, elaborate enough to be a private school.
The elementary kids slowly weaned until the only people who were on the bus were the bus driver and the high schoolers.
The driver lurched as he stopped the bus unexpectedly. “Last stop.” He said. Chelsea got up and waited for the other high schoolers to pass.
Victor and Brittany had almost undressed each other making love, and had not noticed the bus stopping.
“Oh, grow up you two, we’re here if you haven’t noticed.”
“You have to ruin all the fun, Chelsea! Let’s go, Brittany.” Brittany giggled as she pulled the strap of her shirt back up. Victor zipped his pants back up as he stood, waiting for Brittany to get up.
Brittany ran down the aisle with Victor right behind her. Chelsea sighed and slowly walked down the aisle. “First day of school, huh?”
Last edited by Omnom on Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Thu Dec 08, 2011 9:35 pm
AlyKat says...



The door slid open. “First day of school, everybody.” A boy with red hair said as he slung his arm around two girls, both around his age. One was a tall blond-haired girl who groaned and threw the boy’s arm off of her.

(Every time a new person talks you have to start a new paragraph)“Oh come on, Chelsea, you know you like me.” Said the redhead, still hanging on the other girl.

“Maybe in your dreams, Victor.” Chelsea remarked as she picked up her huge chapter books. The other three high school kids were already in the bus, but Victor, Chelsea, and the other girl that was still attached to Victor stood for a moment.

Victor gathered himself together and walked up to the steps. “Let’s go, slowpokes. Brittany, I’ll find us a seat.” Brittany, a short, attractive dark-colored haired girl, giggled and ran up the stairs after him.

“High school.” Chelsea muttered as she walked up to the bus.

The inside was partially crowded, with all of the young kids sitting three to a seat and throwing paper and pieces of chewed up gum at each other. The middle school kids, as usual sat in the middle of the bus, keeping to themselves, while the back twelve seats were reserved for the small number of high school people who ride that bus.

In fact, there were only six people going to the high school, and they were all at that bus stop. Victor sat in one of the middle seats, osmosing(This makes literally no sense. Its a chemistry term and I have no clue what you were trying to say) into Brittany as she sat next to him, giggling all the while. Chelsea sat by herself across from Victor, while the other three sat in the last seats.

They didn’t say much, they kept to themselves the entire time on the bus, making no note to even talk to the three freshmen.

One of the elementary kids, a dark colored boy, looked at Brittany. “You’re cute!” Brittany giggled all over herself and whipped her hair back and forth.

“Little dude, she’s taken.” Victor smiled as the boy frowned and turned around in his seat.

The bus lurched to a halt. “Last stop for y’all middle kids.” The last of them got off at a large middle school, elaborate enough to be a private school.

The elementary kids slowly weaned until the only people who were on the bus were the bus driver and the ones in high school.

The driver lurched as he stopped the bus unexpectedly. “Last stop.” He said. Chelsea got up and waited for everyone else to pass.

Victor and Brittany had almost undressed each other making love, and hadn't noticed the bus stopping.

“Oh, grow up you two, we’re here if you haven’t noticed.”

“You have to ruin all the fun, Chelsea! Let’s go, Brittany.” Brittany giggled as she pulled the strap of her shirt back up. Victor zipped his pants back up as he stood, waiting for Brittany to get up.

Brittany ran down the aisle with Victor right behind her. Chelsea sighed and slowly walked down the aisle. “First day of school, huh?”

I liked the story line, and I do expect you to add more to this. But you have a lot of mistakes that you need to address. Try using different words. You repeat a lot. But yeah this is good other than the mistakes and I expect you to write more.
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Fri Dec 09, 2011 7:07 am
Griffinkeeper says...



This story... sucks.

Let's start with the ABC's. Not the actual letters; ABC in this case stands for Action, Background, and Conflict. This story only has one of these.

Action: People board a bus on their way to school.

Background: They're in a bus... and they're high schoolers. During this entire passage, we learn what they look like and that their hormones are raging. How else do you explain them getting naked in the back of the bus; the very dirty and disgusting bus? Normally filth is a turn off, but not for these folks. Funny how the bus driver doesn't notice the shenanigans that are going on with the only people on the bus.

We learn nothing about their interests, their interpersonal relationships (unless you count getting naked), and their backgrounds. As a result; these characters are flat as cardboard. When they talk, it is about nothing of consequence. In short, there isn't anything interesting about them.

Conflict: None. Nobody is fighting, everything is just fine.

Conclusion: Very dull.

Now; I assume that you have some fantastic plot figured for this story of yours; otherwise you wouldn't have put it in the Fantasy forum. I think you need to start incorporating elements of that plot into the first chapter. The reader needs to become interested in what happens to these students. You can do that by making them interesting as people; or you can do that by creating a sense of expectation. If something is about to change; then the reader may continue to see what happens.

And if you don't know what to do; I find blowing things up makes for an interesting plot.

If I was writing about this bus ride; I would have something happen to them enroute. Perhaps there is a flat tire. Or maybe the bus drives off a cliff, killing the driver. The teens escape from the bus, just before it blows up in a fireball. The teens wander around aimlessly when all the sudden, they come across a unicorn. "Help me," the Unicorn says, "You have been chosen to restore order in the magical world of McGuffinland!" etc. etc.

Now, is that a stupid plot line? Sure it is. But you would want to know what that stupid unicorn is talking about. What sort of trouble is McGuffinland in? Why is the unicorn talking? And did the Unicorn set up the school bus for an "accident?" Can we even trust the talking unicorn? And will those stupid teenagers stop making love long enough to actually find out any of these questions?

Questions like those will keep the reader guessing and reading.

All in all, I wish I had better news to give you. Hopefully though, this gives you a better idea of what the story is missing and how it can be improved.
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Fri Dec 09, 2011 7:42 pm
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Omnom says...



I was actually having a HUGE writer's block with this story, so I know it is boring right now, but you must realize that this is just the first part of the first chapter. Usually in the first part of something, there really is no conflict YET. I do realize that this story is very confusing at the beginning, but aren't all?
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Sat Dec 10, 2011 7:13 pm
Boogie97 says...



you could have the story be sort of boring until the first party of the year and write about how the middle schooler's want to hang with the high schooler's and what events occured and how something dramatic like a kid passing out at the party and maybe dying and how it affects the rest of the school year. Maybe teach people to stop being partiers that are unsafe. Just giving an idea.








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