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Black waters.



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Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:37 pm
mimimac says...



Please offer me some constructive criticism, I haven't written anything in a while and it felt good to get this out of me. :) Enjoy.


The water looked deep and inviting. Every step she took towards the seashore was answered by a fearsome roar as the waves battered the rocky shore. Just a few minutes before the water had been as still and silent as a tomb, calm enough to reflect the lights of the village. That had all changed once the sea had felt her presence coming towards it. Slowly it had begun to churn its waters in an attempt to entice her. She smiled at this bid for her attention, and knew that these childish waves were only the beginning.

When she arrived at the sea edge, she paused and gazed at the black body of water as her toes hung over the edge of the bare rock. The sea was growing impatient with her, increasing the frequency of its waves and forcing the spray to batter her small body. Each successive white crest becoming higher and more threatening in an attempt to attract her attention.

The girl let down her hair and shook loose her long curls, readying herself. For a second she wondered if she should turn back and go home, the unfamiliarity of what lay before her momentarily paralyzing her with fear. Sensing her reluctance, the sea allowed its waters to still in order to give her time to calm down. Once again the village lights appeared on the still surface of the water, and she smiled as she came to a decision.

Slowly, teasingly, she raised her arms in preparation of the dive, her hands shivering with the apprehension of what was to come. For a second, both sea and girl scrutinized each other, anticipating the moment when they would be joined as one.

Finally, she turned her back on the world behind her and thrust herself into the unknown. Immediately the sea rushed to meet her in a bone crushing hug, a terrifying monster of a wave hurling out of its depths that swallowed her in a freezing blackness. The one thing the sea loved to do most was play, and she was its favourite play thing.
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Wed Dec 07, 2011 4:11 pm
Omnom says...



For once, I don't have much to say about this. I don't know if it is because this is so good or so bad. It's kinda hard to tell right now.
I do know that you really should expand on this a bit more so it would make more sense.
Also there are some spots that oppose each other:
was answered by a fearsome roar as the waves battered

these childish waves

The fearsome roar makes this scene seem like a alarming and dangerous, while the childish waves makes it seems the complete opposite. To me, it seems very confusing.

I don't know what the last sentence means:
The one thing the sea loved to do most was play, and she was its favourite play thing.

Does this mean something good or bad?

All in all I like this story, but the ideas do not support each other much in this short story.
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Wed Dec 07, 2011 4:50 pm
SmylinG says...



Hi, Mimimac! :]

Dropping by to see if I can't help you out a bit with this piece. Firstly, things that I liked! Overall, there's something very enticing about the way you drew out the scene. It was a bit wild and mysterious in its own way. I think you definitely had a nice grasp on the object of your storytelling, so I just want to say nice work.

However, I put this on level with a short story and nothing less. For a short story, I feel this may have been a bit too short. When I say that, I simply mean you left quite a lot to falter in the amount of time you used to create and end your story. It wasn't quite whole, given the scene you told. It was simply a scene.

At no point in time is the reader enlightened to the greater significance of why the scene is taking place. They don't know who this girl is or why she's in any way significant to the ocean. And I understand that you leave the embodiment of the ocean to mystery to intrigue your audience, but I feel as though you could have at least let the reader in on what this all means that the girl was sucked into the ocean. Is she a mermaid? Does she always play with the ocean? I'm really unsure.

The scene itself is quite nice, but I feel there's still some room for fluffing out the piece as a whole. I would like to see some more explanation as to what's going on as I'm reading. It would've been nice to be able to read somewhat deeper into this girl's character as well. Inject just a teensy bit more substance to your story and I think you'll be golden. ;]

Hope this helps!

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Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:44 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey Mia!

It's so awesome to read something or yours again. It feels like forever ago that I did. You should come around more often. *Puppy dog eyes*

So, this was an interesting piece,but I feel that for me to get anything out of it, it needs to be longer. Expanded on. The piece raises questions; Who is the girl? How old is she? How long has she and the sea been 'playing' together? All these things make the piece seem like just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the whole story.

The imagery was nice, with the roaring waves and the spraying foam, but I agree that it seems to contadict its self when you say 'childlish waves.' I think maybe having 'childlike' instead would help to get the point acorss better, as I'm guessing that you're referring to the waves acting childishly, trying to get her attention, rather than being tame.

Really, the piece is over too quickly. I want to see the girl being a bit more indecisive here -

For a second she wondered if she should turn back and go home, the unfamiliarity of what lay before her momentarily paralyzing her with fear. Sensing her reluctance, the sea allowed its waters to still in order to give her time to calm down. Once again the village lights appeared on the still surface of the water, and she smiled as she came to a decision.


Without knowing more backstory to the character, we don't know why she's hesitating or why she decides to dive in. I'm guessing she hasn't been in the water before, if she's suddenly terrified. If it's a regular thing, playing in the sea, then her sudden fear would be a bit irrational.

I guess I'm just finding it a bit hard to make sense of the story when there's not much of it to go on, if that makes sense? It's good as it is, but a bit more infomation, especially about the girl, will help to make the piece have purpose.

Thanks for the read. It's lovely to read something by you again :)

Anna
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Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:02 am
Griffinkeeper says...



Hey Mimiac!

I understand where you're coming from; I haven't written anything in a while either. These little pieces are great for shaking off the rust; and so let's see how much rust there is.

The water looked deep and inviting. Every step she took towards the seashore was answered by a fearsome roar as the waves battered the rocky shore. Just a few minutes before the water had been as still and silent as a tomb, calm enough to reflect the lights of the village. That had all changed once the sea had felt her presence coming towards it. Slowly it had begun to churn its waters in an attempt to entice her. She smiled at this bid for her attention, and knew that these childish waves were only the beginning.


I don't like the progression of this paragraph. The first sentence is about how the waves are roaring; then you follow it with a sentence that says the sea was calm minutes before? Why are you putting them out of order? If you start with everything being calm; then you can describe how the sea progressively changes as the protagonist approaches. You could even make an entire paragraph about that; it would allow you to build more suspense. Another way to build suspense: have the roaring get louder as she gets closer.

When she arrived at the sea edge, she paused and gazed at the black body of water as her toes hung over the edge of the bare rock. The sea was growing impatient with her, increasing the frequency of its waves and forcing the spray to batter her small body. Each successive white crest becoming higher and more threatening in an attempt to attract her attention.


If the water is battering the rocks, it's not going to look black, it's going to appear white with foam. It also seems like you're trying to do too much with the sentences. The first one describe that's she's on the sea edge, that she pauses, that she watches, and that her toes were hanging over the rock. That's a busy sentence. Let's try to simplify it a bit.

"Her toes hung over the edge of the rock as she watched the black water."

Old sentence: 28 words. My sentence: 15.

How about the next one?

"The sea was becoming impatient. The waves came more frequently and the spray battered her small body.

Old: 22 words.

New: 17 words (two sentences).

The last sentence didn't make sense to me; it was like you wanted to tack it onto the previous sentence, but it was just too long.

The girl let down her hair and shook loose her long curls, readying herself. For a second she wondered if she should turn back and go home, the unfamiliarity of what lay before her momentarily paralyzing her with fear. Sensing her reluctance, the sea allowed its waters to still in order to give her time to calm down. Once again the village lights appeared on the still surface of the water, and she smiled as she came to a decision.


I think the second sentence needs the phrase "she hesitated" in it. In the third sentence, how does the sea "sense" her reluctance?

Slowly, teasingly, she raised her arms in preparation of the dive, her hands shivering with the apprehension of what was to come. For a second, both sea and girl scrutinized each other, anticipating the moment when they would be joined as one.


At this point; it feels like you've drawn this out a little too long.

Finally, she turned her back on the world behind her and thrust herself into the unknown. Immediately the sea rushed to meet her in a bone crushing hug, a terrifying monster of a wave hurling out of its depths that swallowed her in a freezing blackness. The one thing the sea loved to do most was play, and she was its favourite play thing.


Bone-crushing hug? If she had dived in from a tall bridge; then I could understand the whole "bone crashing" business. Otherwise; it is overdone.
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Sun Dec 18, 2011 7:46 am
92nida says...



Unable to understand. I'm in a fix. I don't understand what this meant. Did she die? Is she alive? Was she swallowed by the waves and killed? Drowned...
I didn't exactly get it. What a good writer needs to do is explain what is inside their mind. I'm sure that there is something awfully fascinating in there and you need to let the World know. Explain to them properly with full description that makes your mind swing will make their's too.
Good job. Loved the imagery and the pattern of the story. I read that a reviewer was wondering how old the girl was. I personally feel that it would be unnecessary. Because it would take away from your whole motive which I do not feel is required. Good job.
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