Young Writers Society

I entered the dark and dirty room. It was very eerie being there alone, it smelt like unoccupied space, the air was so musty and thick you could hardly breathe. Clothes were scattered everywhere on the floor and bed, the cupboard was flung open and half its contents were on the floor. A thick layer of 8 years worth of dust has settled over, and covered the littered clothes. It looked as though someone had long ago been looking for something, something linked to the mystery of the missing 17 year old Boy who was probably 25 years old if he was still alive.

The house was evacuated years ago; the poor parents were wrecked so they decided to shift out, so as not to be constantly and painfully reminded of their tragedy. Previously 5 detectives had been on the case, but were later found dead.

I worked myself over to the bed, gently trying not to disturb the hibernating clothes and dust. Something was odd, and out of place there. The soft snow white sheets of the bed smelt like fresh roses, it smelt clean. I glided a finger cautiously over the covers, and investigated my finger… no dust, not a sign of 8 years, but it was cold. My watch’s alarm rang, giving me a shock; it was time to go home.

I walked out of the house tightening my red cardigan around me. I felt two eyes bore the back of my neck; a shiver ran down my spine, I looked back. Leaning against a tree was a stern looking man, his body was rigid and taut against the tree, it seemed like he just received the news of something he did not particularly like, but was used to. I managed to master my fear and glance up at his face; his face unlike his body posture, was composed and blank. It was a very pale shade, and I found myself wondering if he was ill. His face was handsome looking, with prominent cheek bones, and thin compressed lips, his thick black eye lashes brushed against his cheeks as he looked out from under them.
The Man was tall and had broad shoulders that came with a sturdy look, he looked fit and had a calming aura around him. His hair was jet black and straight, tickling the end of his cheek bone. This mysterious mans eyebrows were black and perfectly curved, and he had a light stubble.


He watched me stare at him; his eyes had a mingled look of mild anger, tainted with amusement. He managed a smile that looked more like a grimace to me, a voice in my head told me to run but my body would not respond. The very sight of him made me unable to move, it was like he was a magician and had cast an enchantment on me. My brain was trying to match the image of this man with the image of someone it had seen before but it was too confused. This mysterious man was now making his way gradually towards me his movements were very gentle and slow. He reminded me of fog, fog that moved ever so slowly and before you knew it, it had covered you in confusion.

He was wearing a white cloak that floated around him like clouds; I could hardly tell he was walking, because it looked more like he was gliding. I felt numb all over. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t see anything, except for that man. I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts. Ever so gently he grasped my wrist; his hands were cold and felt buoyant, but his grasp secure and sure. His misty grey eyes sank into my plain brown ones, the feeling of being helpless, and weak enveloped me with eagerness, I couldn’t look away, my will was not mine any longer.

He beckoned to me with one long, smooth, albino white hand, while tugging my hand with the other. His actions, replayed a similar scene into my memory. Dylan as a small boy, beckoning to his mother, calling her over to see the new exciting creature he had just dug out of the mud, Dylan the boy who was lost, Dylan the boy who was lost for 8 years now, RIGHT in front of me. My eyes widened and I gawped at him in amazement was it really going to be this easy. His eyes narrowed as I whispered his name “Dylan”. The Grave marks of sadness were carved and chiseled deeply into his perfect face, and for once I found something vulnerable in his dominating eyes. Some small and sad creature whimpering in the deep pits of his swirling silver eyes, calling desperately for his mother, but she would not come, she did not care and she did not want him.

The clutch on my wrist tightened and soon the silver swirl storms were right in front of me, flared in anger the pale cheeks were flushed, and the lips compressed more tightly. This man was not capable of sounding harsh for his voice was too calming, it sounded like the tinkling sound of a winters morning, so fresh and cold, so new and unused. The fire dimmed and once again became calm “Dylan is dead” he whispered into my ear, cold and tingling …“Dylan… never was”.

okay,good news first. I thought this was very interesting the idea and everything is good, i dont know what your plans for this are or anything but i think it would make a good mystery novel. Now their isn't really any bad news but i had hardly no idea as to what was going on it may just be me but i only got glimpses as to what this story is about. i would say if you were to do something like this make it a little longer you don't want it as long as a dictionary but i believe this piece could be a bit longer describing a little more as to what is going on. All in All good job!

Hi! My name is Rose, like the flower, the red ones are my favorite. I love it when somebody gives me a dozen of them because it makes me happy, like the time I went on a roller coaster. Anyways, I'm going to give you my opinion on this piece; I can also give you an opinion on roses, if you'd like. Do you want it? Do you?

Whoa. You probably read what I just wrote and wondered what was wrong with me, didn't you? I promise that I have a purpose for writing my opening that way. I apologize if I freaked you out, but I really think that it will illustrate the point I'm trying to make. Just give me a chance, and I'll explain.

The first element of this piece that I want to discuss is your concept. It's actually quite decent. I was interested in what you were saying even though it was slightly hard to read. It takes a lot to keep me interested in a piece, and you managed to do that. Thumbs up there!

Now, on to the element of this piece that I didn't like, which was how you structured it. The structure of your writing is incredibly important, much more so than you'd think. If you walked into a library, opened a book, and discovered that the inside of that book was filled with endless rows of nonstop words with no paragraphs and incorrect punctuation, would you read that book? Most likely, unless you're a more daring reader than I am, you'd set it back down on the shelf and move on to the next one. It's a perfect example of how structure affects your readers. This brings me to how the opening of this review affects your piece.

I decided to begin speaking to you without focusing on one thing. I spun off into random things about myself that really don't concern you. I mean, how is a rollercoaster relevant to my speaking to you about revising your piece? It isn't. This is my point.

The opening of your piece must be concise. It's effective to limit it to one or two sentences so it's easy for the reader to handle. That way, your reader won't immediately have to plunge into your writing and tackle paragraphs. If the reader believes that reading your piece is manageable, he will proceed.

I entered the dark and dirty room. It was very eerie being there alone. It smelt like unoccupied space; the air was so musty and thick I could hardly breathe.

Clothes were scattered over the floor and the bed. The cupboard was flung open, and half its contents had spilled out. A thick layer of dust had settled and covered the littered clothes. It looked as though someone had long ago been looking for something, perhaps something linked to the mystery of a missing 17 year old boy.

This is a tad more focused, isn't it? I eliminated a few parts of this in order to keep it focused. Remember, there is plenty of room to tell the story. You don't have to cram every detail into the first few paragraphs. Reveal it little by little as the story progresses. That way, you'll keep the reader wanting more, and if the reader wants more, your stories will be read and loved.

Always keep writing! Oh, and by the way, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here as much as I do! If you've got any questions, feel free to ask!

-Rose

wow thank you creativityrules. I know what you mean, and i know you are right. But let me explain, this is not a start of a story it is actually a character description i had to write and i had a limit to words as well. I tried to cram as much information (trust me thts VERY hard to do for someone like me who loves to describe pages full). And thanks again i thought you were so much older in short words i like you Thnx

Poor Dylan. This story is interesting, but full of strange mysteries. Who was Dylan? What was to happen to the narrator? Who was the narrator? I am a bit confused. If you are limited in words, how about dropping some of the descriptions of the environment and giving them to the characters? There are a few grammar mistakes, like the direct speech at the end. Still, it is a good, descriptive essay with a lot of depth. All in all, good job! This is an intriguingly mysterious story.

Hey! First thing is...great job!! This is really good! I absolutely adore your use of description and how you've added detail into this piece. I must also completely agree with creativityrules; your writing had me captivated 'til the end but I'm afraid its structure brought it down a little. But other then that, I liked it! The story seemed to entice (hope that's the correct word :S) me to read further on. Anyway, there were a few grammatical errors here and there, I advise you to re-check your piece. And for something with a word limit, this is amazing! I understand how annoying word limits can be, I hate them myself.

Something was odd, and out of place there.

Just wanted to re-structure this. I think it would be much better if it was: 'Something there was odd and out of place.' Just correcting. I would say a lot more right now but seem to be running out of time, sorry about that. And once again, great job on this piece, it really is very good! I hope to check out more of your works in the future.
Amna

I really don't know what to think of this story. I mean you really tried to give us visual and that's great but it wasn't really clear I should say. In the future try making your entries just a little smaller only because you can quickly lose a persons interest when pieces are really long and drawn out. Overall it was alright.