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Young Writers Society


The Picture Show (Part 1/4)



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Gender: Female
Points: 1088
Reviews: 5
Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:50 am
BrightLights18 says...



“I’m just not sure what it is, exactly.”
“Perhaps if I…give it a nudge? Perhaps…it’ll move?”
“No, no, you might upset it, should it be a dangerous animal.”
“I should not think that wild beasts would be rummaging around in your cupboards, Miss Ellie.”
“I am perfectly aware of the possibilities, Gregory. I’m just being cautious.”
“As you should.”
A small girl and a transparent man were crouched behind an arm chair, peering at a soft white object that had been looming above the television set for over an hour. For all the morning, it had made a most disturbing noise of upsetting all the pots and pans in the cabinets of the dining room and kitchen. At this point, the object in question rattled considerably loudly, as if it was an appliance out of order.
Ellie’s eyes widened.
“Gregory what if it’s a monster?” she whispered frantically.
“Then we catch it.”
“I’ve never caught a monster before.”
“I suppose if we get a large net…the thing cannot hurt us.”
“My butterfly net is in the entry way.” She said quietly, glancing from Gregory to the monster.
“I shall get it … and we will catch this monster.”
“Do hurry.”
Gregory floated up, slowly, and at a snails pace hovered towards the door, his eyes never leaving the monster, who rattled again, causing Gregory to swirl as fast as possible out the door, quickly returning with Elli’s net. He held it up like a weapon, even though he was trembling.
“Count of three.” Ellie said softly from her position behind the arm chair. She peered over it, her eyes wide. “One, two-”
Gregory lunged at the creature, capturing it in the net. Ellie gasped.
“Have you caught it?”
“I’ve caught it alright, Miss Ellie.” He said wearily.
Ellie heard a mischievous chuckle, then a loud rattling.
“I’ve fooled you both!” Fredrick exclaimed, his smile reaching from ear to ear. The young boy’s eyes were alight with a milky white, bright from his laughter. “You were both so afraid, weren’t you? A wild beast, you thought I was!” he laughed. Ellie wrinkled her nose and rose to her feet.
“Fredrick that was not a very nice joke!” she said. “You know how I am afraid of monsters in the manor!”
Fredrick had controlled his giggling enough to say, “I know Ellie, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. It’s just so much fun frightening you two!” His laughter could not be contained, and he floated to the floor in contentment of his scare.
“Well thank you for starting the morning off with a heart attack.” Gregory said tiredly.
“Oh Ellie come quick! I’ve found the perfect movie for this evening!”
Sophia floated around the corner, her eyes alight, holding a dusty movie reel. “It’s about these two people, they meet and fall in love, it just seems so romantic-”
“Another one of those again?” Fredrick whined. “That’s the fourth one this week, Soph.”
“I must reluctantly agree with the boy, Miss Sophia, the gentleman are getting a bit tired of the – eh – romantic movies…what about a western picture? Those are my favorite.”
Sophia’s eyes grew to be a misty blue color as she looked at Ellie.
“Oh my dear, it’s okay. We’ll find one that everyone will like I promise.” Ellie said, smiling warmly. “Would you like to help make the tea for tonight?”
“Oh yes!” Sophia said brightly, floating into the kitchen.
“If I may say, Mister Fredrick, I think that the only thing that your sister enjoys more than those romantic movies it’s tea.”
Ellie smiled. “Everyone likes tea.”

* * * * *
At tea that evening, all of the souls in the manor gathered together to drink tea and watch a picture show. Ellie, the small young lady in ballet shoes is the only soul in the manor that has not yet passed on, yet on most occasions, she barely realizes. She is only occupied by how much tea is in her cup, and how her friends are doing. For there always seems to be something wrong with her many friends.
“Ellie, dear, have I told you about that dreadful mailman?” Rose said at tea, peering over her large glasses at Gregory and Ellie, who had been in a conversation about the telephone in the hall.
“You have not.” Ellie said.
“The man comes up to the house with a package and asks me to sign for it. I do so and the whole time he looks very fightened, so I ask him if he would like a glass of milk. The man runs away, all the way down the drive to his truck. He even forgot his pen, the poor thing. We ought to call them up, Ellie, and complain.”
“That is very peculiar, Rosie, I will have a talk with this man as soon as possible.”
There was a sudden eruption of voices at the far end of the table.
“I swear you are a cheater!”
“I see the poker game has gone underway.” Gregory said with a sigh, rising an collecting the empty tea cups.
“Boys, boys, what have I said about the games at tea!” Miss Hattleford said, her eyes narrowed. “It’s creates such a fuss among everyone simply trying to enjoy their tea-”
“Are those…buttons?” Ellie asked, her eyes wide with awe. The three men were all dressed in shades of green, and were playing poker using not money, but shiny buttons that were collected in a pile in the middle of them. The deck of cards they were using shuffled its self and dealed, giving each player five cards.
One of the men, Grant, looked up. “That they are, my dear, would you like to watch?”
“Very much.” Ellie sat down next to Miss Hattleford, who pursed her lips and folded her hands in her lap.
“It’s such a childish game.” She said.
“Oh I don’t think so…I think you would like it if you tried, Miss.”
She laughed grimly. “I think not.”
The men each looked at each other suspiciously while holding their chosen cards., looking left to right, then back at their cards.
“Fold.”
“Fold.”
“I win.”
“You must be cheating, Harvey, honestly!” Bert shouted as Harvey collected the pile of buttons.
“I ain’t, I promise. A man never cheats.”
The cards scrambled themselves back into a deck.
“Harvey, you know how awful lying is.” Ellie pointed out quietly.
Harvey winked at her. “I never cheat…I didn’t say my cards wouldn’t.”
Grant stood up. “Tomorrow, we are using my cards.” He eyed the remaining buttons.
“Put them back where you found them.”
“You fellows must teach me to play sometime.” The girl said.
Bert smiled. “Bring your own deck, Ellie. And make sure it knows the rules.” He flipped her a button, a silver one with sparkles.
Gregory clapped his hands at the head of the table. He clapped them again, then twice. Everyone in the room echoed him. Ellie trotted back to stand beside Gregory.
“Thank you everyone for coming to my tea party, it has been most wonderful.”
Everyone nodded and smiled.
“And I am very pleased to announce that the picture we shall be watching this evening is…The Wild West! As picked in dedication to our lovely butler, Mister Gregory.”
The room politely clapped.
“I would also like to make a note that whomever keeps leaving the soap on the floor in the fourth floor staircase, I would appreciate it if you nixed the habit of doing so.” She smiled. “Shall we?”
  





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Points: 262
Reviews: 73
Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:58 pm
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psudiname says...



I liked this a lot. The way that sentences are worded gives the peice a very charming effect, and the premise is delightfully fresh. While there is nothing new under the sun, this whimiscal take on a story about ghosts is one of newest I've seen. The dialogue was nice, and varied nicely from person to person, making it feel realistic, but at the same time, the ghosts seem to speak like they are from the early twentieth century, giving it a nice feeling of fantasy.
my only problem with the piece was its tendency to get confusing at times. make sure you tag each bit of dialogue with a "he said" or something like it if we haven't ever seen the charecter before. sometimes an new person would come into play, and I would still think the dialoge was from one of the original characters. also, make sure you pick a tense and stay with it. you started off in third person past, then switched to present for a bit of narration, then returned to past. the paragraph of narration felt out of place and tactless, so I would suggest blending it in with the rest of the story, as it's not that much information. in addition, it was unecessary to switch to present, and I would advise fixing that.
other than that though, it was great, and if part two is already up, I'll be checking that out soon.
your friend,
---Psudiname
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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Points: 1950
Reviews: 32
Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:34 pm
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Starrywolf says...



“I’m just not sure what it is, exactly.”
“Perhaps if I…give it a nudge? Perhaps…it’ll move?”
“No, no, you might upset it, should it be a dangerous animal.”


This is a great opening. It really made me curious to find out what was happening, and the dialogue was well done too.

“Gregory, what if it’s a monster?” she whispered frantically.


When a character is addressing another, you use a comma. ("Sir, please put your shoes back on." "Lily, where is the homework?" etc.)

You take a nice amount of time letting the reader know what was happening, and what the situation was. In all, it's a great beginning to a story.

Thanks for requesting,
-Starry
  








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