I sat curled up in a layer of mismatched blankets on the single cot in the ‘girls’ room. I wasn’t cold or uncomfortable, but I just couldn’t sleep. My mind was full to overflowing with dangerous thoughts and feelings. Besides that fact, I couldn’t get my stupid emotions to shut up and leave me alone for one second. All they could do was hammer away incessantly at me, not letting me forget what had almost gone down in the bell tower.
My heart race increased and I could feel my cheeks burning as I thought back to that time. Dammit. I pulled the blankets tighter around me and fell backwards into an unorganized heap. Some part of me desperately wished that I could just forget about it and just go to sleep, but another part of me refused to give up and kept replaying the scene over and over in my head like a broken film.
I closed my eyes against the dark and Chess’s intense purple eyes stared back at me. I quickly opened them again, and groaned into my covers. This was impossible. Glancing around the dark room for some kind of distraction, anything, I wished that Pixie was here. I knew I couldn’t talk to her about Chess, she would definitely not be any help and would probably only make things worse, but at least she would make a nice distraction.
She, Who, and Lion, who had carried Who up, had taken there cots up to the bell tower and decided to sleep there for the night. Josh had gone to his dad’s house for the night, and Chess and I had opted to come back down to the rooms because of the lack of space upstairs.
I glanced over to the closed door adjoining the two rooms. One stinkin’, measly door was all that separated us. I absentmindedly wondered if Chess was asleep already or if he too was having a hard time sleeping.
I grabbed the pillow off of the floor where it had fallen during one of my fights for sanity, and in frustration, pulled it over my face. Why couldn’t I just forget about him? But I already knew why, I needed answers. I was totally confused as to what I was even feeling for him. I mean I obviously liked the guy, but I wasn’t sure if I just liked him, or if I like liked him. And if I did like like him, wasn’t that wrong? Chess was like my brother, I shouldn’t feel this way towards him. Right? Cause ‘technically’ we weren’t related by blood or anything, but did that make a difference?
Shut up brain, I hit the side of my head and rolled over. I just couldn’t relax or sit still for more than a few seconds. Not fun, let me tell you.
A sound issued from the other side of the door, and in an instant I was as alert and aware of my surroundings as a raw nerve ending. Waiting, nothing happened and silence reigned.
My traitorous mind soon began wondering if I had actually heard anything at all, or if I’d just imagined it.
Giving up on the unaccountable sound, it once again returned to its seemingly favorite subject at the moment; Chess.
I sighed internally, seriously all this work my brain was doing was giving me a head ache, and not one answer for its trouble.
I stiffened, as once again I heard something and this time I knew I wasn’t imagining it. Throwing the covers back I half fell half tripped out of bed in my hurry. My heart in my throat, I raced for the door. I was scared. That noise that I had heard was a voice. A voice in pain. Chess was in pain.
Reaching the door, I pulled it open with shaky hands and passing through the jar, it was as if I hit a wall. My feet froze and I couldn’t move as reality hit me. What was I doing? In my current state it wasn’t a good idea for me to be around Chess. I would most likely do something stupid that I would later only regret.
The spell and my doubt shattered as Chess moaned again and I focused on the large shape in the center of the room. It was dark and hard to see, but the light from the moon filtering in through the windows gave off enough illumination for me safely cross the room. Not that there was anything to really trip over or hurt myself on, but still, knowing me, it was only fate that I would find someway to hurt myself if I could.
Reaching Chess’s cot I found the lantern next to it and turned it on. Holding it up, I found Chess curled up in a tight ball, griping his head in both hands like his life depended on it. His covers were strewn about him, like he’d been fighting with them and blood was seeping from his mouth where he had bitten down on his lip.
Fear filled me. What was wrong with him?
Chess moaned and showed no reaction to my presence or the light shining on him as he curled in on himself even more.
“Chess?” I reached out and gently touched his shoulder as I kneeled by his side. He was drenched in sweat.
“Chess, what’s wrong?”
I didn’t remove my hand, but he still didn’t respond.
“Chess, please.” my voice cracked as desperation filled it. I had no idea what I should do. Indecision filled me. I wanted to go and get Lion but I didn’t want to leave Chess here by himself.
Tears leaked out from Chess tightly closed eyes as he kept moaning in pain, and I felt shock race through me. I had never seen him cry before.
That was it, I was going to get Lion. I was way out of my league here and if anyone could do anything to help Chess it was Lion. Besides I highly doubted Chess was going anywhere anytime soon.
Getting to my feet, I went to leave but stopped as I felt a weak hand grip my wrist.
I immediately turned back to Chess and found his eyes looking at me. They were filled with an unfathomable amount of pain, but there was hope there too. He wanted me to stay.
I knelt back down beside him and he closed his eyes again. I couldn’t be sure, but he seemed slightly less tense. Was he feeling any better?
As the seconds ticked by and I waited there for what felt like forever, holding onto Chess’s hand, I was slowly able to see slight changes in his posture and position that implied he was relaxing. The worst seemed to be over.
Neither of us spoke for a long while. I watched and waited on pins and needles and Chess’s breathing finally slowed and evened.
I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, but I was so happy I wanted to cry when Chess finally did open his eyes and meet mine. The pain seemed to be mostly gone, and he was doing a good job hiding what was left.
He gave me faint smile, and it almost reached his eyes. He was still trying to be strong, for me.
“Are you ok?” my voice came out as a whimper and I mentally whacked myself for being so weak. If Chess, the one who was in pain could pretend to be strong, the least I could do is try and hold it together.
He nodded.
“Thank you Key. That’s the worst it’s ever been.” his voice was barely a whisper and I had to lean closer to understand what he was saying.
“The worst what’s ever been?” did he mean this had been going on for a while now? Was this what was ailing him earlier today, what he wouldn’t talk about in the bell tower?
He dropped his gaze.
“Chess.” I wasn’t about to let him off the hook this time. I knew he was hurting right now, and I should let him rest and not push him, but I needed to know what was going on. I couldn’t go through something like that again. It was too nerve racking not knowing what was going on, and not being able to do one stinkin’ thing about it to help him. I couldn’t just stand back, forever wondering if he was going to drop dead at any second.
“Key. . .”
“Please, Chess.”
He finally met my gaze again.
“Key, really it’s nothing. I’m just weak and pathetic and I wish you hadn’t had to see me like that.” his voice seemed a little stronger now, but I wasn’t giving in just yet.
“Don’t talk like that Chess. Whatever’s going on with you is not nothing, it’s something and if you let me in, maybe something I could help you with.”
He shook his head.
“I don’t think so.”
“At least tell me what’s going on, please.” I was begging now, but I was quickly running out of options.
He dropped my gaze again and righted himself into a sitting position on the cot, facing me.
He didn’t look up, but seeming to steel himself that I wasn’t going to stop pestering him until he told me, started talking.
“This. . . this pain that I’ve been feeling, it comes and goes. But every time it returns it’s worse than the last time, at first it was just slightly worse, but lately it’s been taking huge leaps and when it comes back its so much worse. I feel hopeless and like I just want to die rather than endure the pain.”
He paused and looked up to gauge my reaction. I didn’t know how to respond. I still didn’t really get what was going on, just that he was hurting and that much was obvious.
Seeming to realize my confusion he continued.
“It started when I woke up from the crash. I didn’t really think that much about it. I mean I was alive, I had just survived crash landing and I was lucky not to be dead, the little bit of pain I did feel I just pushed off as warranted. Besides I didn’t have time to think about me, I need to find out where everyone else was. Where you were.”
My heart rate increased involuntarily as Chess’s gaze bore into mine. A mixture of relief and disappointment rushed through me as he once again looked away and continued talking.
“I don’t know when I first realized that the pain kept going and coming, but once I did I really didn’t know what to do about it, so I just tried to ignore it. It’s been bearable but that night that the humans discovered our hovercraft, that’s when it started escalating into something unbearable.
I can’t really explain it, but it’s almost like something is trying to rip my skull into two different pieces. There’s nothing I can do to stop it, and I have no idea when the pain will come or go. It used to be like once a week, but it came back twice today. I just can’t help but think that maybe it’ll keepcoming more and more often and one time it won’t go away.”
I caught the hitch of fear in his voice, and it matched what I was feeling inside. Something was wrong with Chess, and he had no idea what it was. How was I supposed to help him?
Without thinking I reached up from where I was still kneeling in front of him and placed my hands on either side of his face. His eyes searched mine, and he smiled.
In one quick gesture he reached out and wrapping his arms around me, pulled me to him.
Shock and adrenaline raced through my entire body at being so close to him, but as realization dawned on me, my pounding heart settled slightly and I released the breath I hadn’t known I was holding.
In that one moment, with Chess’s help I was finally able to answer the question that had been incessantly nagging at me for so long. How I felt about Chess.
The way he was holding me, it wasn’t like he ‘wanted’ me, it was that he needed me. And I needed him.
My confused mind finally started to clear and the answer became obvious. Chess and I, we weren’t just family, but we weren’t lovers either. As the answer came into focus a wave of relief washed over me. This was how it was supposed to be. In our current situation and in light of recent events this was the best thing we could be right now.
What the future held, that was yet to be known but I was glad if just for a little while, for this one second in life I wouldn’t have to worry about where Chess and I stood. Right now we stood on solid ground and for the time being all we were and could be, was friends.
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