Young Writers Society

Chapter 1 - Edward
It was sunset in the glorious city of Summerfell and even the birds could feel the anticipation growing as the time passed. On a normal day, people would still be out of their houses, maybe coming back from the market, children would be playing on the street, under the surveillance of their mothers. But not today, not with the king’s court arriving soon.
Lord Edward Barion, just like the common citizens of Summerfell, felt his heart beating faster and faster at each tick of the clock. What on Earth could bring George to this small city?
It was no secret that, a long time ago, Edward and George had joined forces to take the throne from king Uber. They had fought against an almost invincible army, with a minimal loss of men, and it took them only two days. The secret, even to Edward, was how they could do it. He could still remember how George had been missing for at least four hours, and how, after that, he had appeared at the castle’s highest window carrying Uber’s head like a trophy. Edward could still remember George’s expression of triumph as he lifted the head and laughed without any shadow of shame.
“My lord, you should be calm.”
He had almost forgotten Guinevere was there. She walked to him, her white dress so light that made her appear to be floating. Once more, Edward admired his wife’s beauty, not capable of being immune to it after fifteen years of marriage. Guinevere put her hand on his face, her sweet smell invading him, calming him.
“More than once you gave me proof of your bravery”, she said, “I’m asking you to do that one more time.”
“Damn you witch”, Edward smiled as he felt his body slowly relaxing while she breathed on him. He could feel his blood pulse coming back to normal, his legs weaker, and his head lighter.
Smiling, Guinevere took him a chair. Edward looked at her and thanked with a nod, weak even to speak a word.
“Come in, Maria”, said Guinevere all of a sudden.
Of course she would know, thought Edward suppressing a smile as the slave woman entered the room.
“Lady Barion, little Anna is anxious to come to you. Should I bring her?”
“Of course”, said Guinevere with a nod and a lovely smile.
“It is better to take off this look on your face, or Anna is going to be worried about you”, said Guinevere after the slave left, “you look like you are going to fall from the chair.”
Edward found the strength to lift his head to her and the room seemed to be spinning.
“You exaggerated this time, my lady. Seriously, I really feel like am going to fall.”
And then Guinevere did one of the things he liked the most. She started to sing. As the strange words came out of her mouth, the air itself seemed to change, it became lighter, maybe easier to breathe. And then the walls came back to their places and he felt he could even stand up if he tried to.
Edward lifted his head and saw Guinevere smiling. She knew what was going on his mind right now. What he wanted to do.
“Remember Anna is coming”, she said. But she couldn’t resist as he went down on his knees and kissed her right hand.
“I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t around, my dear wife”.
The door opened with a bang and a hurricane seemed to come in as Anna ran through the room.
Guinevere lifted his head, not even trying to hide the tears that were running down her beautiful face. “And here is my little princess”, she said, opening her arms and smiling gracefully.
Edward took a step back, admiring his adorable family. Like her mother, Anna had dark hair, white skin, lovely green eyes and a supernatural sweetness that made her capable of getting anything from anyone.
“Mommy”, she was saying, already in Guinevere’s arms, “Lizzy said she won’t let me play with her new doll and Ben and Frederick are arguing again about swords”
“And little Anna entered the room without a shade of the manners her mother spent years teaching her”, completed Edward.
Anna’s neck was suddenly red, what always happened when she was under a strong emotion. She stared at her father’s face for a moment, and Edward knew she was trying to understand what she did wrong.
“Don’t worry, child”, he smiled, “but from today on, you must remember to behave properly. You know the king will be staying here with us for a few days.”
“Why is he coming, dad?” asked the girl after a few seconds, finally looking him in the eyes.
That was the question that bothered him. Why was George coming?
“He is here, my lord” said Guinevere.
And of course she would know that too. Edward felt a sudden urge of panic running through his body like an electrical shock. He breathed slowly and brought to his mind the sound of Guinevere’s song.
Another knock at the door and Master Ludwig came in.
“The king is a few minutes away, lord Barion.”
Edward looked at his wife’s face trying to find some peace in her eyes. “Will you help me?” he asked weakly.
“Always, my lord” answered Guinevere taking his hand. And then, for the third time in the day, Edward felt his emotions changing. All the fear was gone.

This is a really nice way to start of your story. What a sweet scene. I did have some moments of confusion figuring out who was who, but that happens sometimes. I should also warn you that you have picked very significant names for your characters. YOu may want to think carfully about using Guenivere and Edward, especially the second one, unless you want all of the associations people are going to make.

Is English really your second language? You write in it beautifully. There were only a couple spots where things weren't smooth. "the excitation growing " should probably be excitement. Similarly, "On one normal day" should probnably be "on a normal day." Those are the only errors I caught. ANd thats better than a lot of native speakers I know.

Hey there!!!

Wow! I'm impressed. You said that English was your second language? You're very good at writing it! I only found a few places where it seemed a little bit awkward. That's excellent, considering.

You said that this was your first time writing a novel? I'm working on one as well, one that I haven't posted on here (I posted the first chapter of another novel on here but I ended up stopping writing it). I started writing another novel because I read a book about how to write novels, and it completely changed my perspective on how I should be writing.

The main thing the book I read taught me was that I should know where the story was going to go before I started working on it. A lot of authors cringe at this; they like to write and see where the story takes them, so to say. However, the book said that you need to know where the story's going in order to let the story go. In other words, if you don't know how it will end, the story will amble aimlessly, and the writing will become sluggish. So, before progressing in your novel, I would suggest sitting down and thinking about what is going to happen in your story, what problem your character will overcome, and how the story will end. Make sure that your concept is one that will interest you through months and months of work.

Another thing the book taught me was how to write a story that interested the reader. In every story, the main character must have a problem to overcome. There must be something that the character has a hard time overcoming because of his own personal flaws; what those flaws are and what the problem is is up to you. The story must also have strong secondary characters and an opposing force that hinders the main character in some way.

It was sunset in the glorious city of Summerfell and even the birds could feel the excitation growing as the time passed.

The opening sentence of any story is extremely important. This is actually a very nice opening sentence. I do have one problem with it; the word 'excitation' seems awkward. Perhaps 'anticipation' is the word you were looking for.

The next problem I want to highlight is the usage of the words 'little Anna' over and over throughout the passage. The first time is acceptable; however, after the second or third time, I grew tired of reading it. I would suggest chopping off the 'little' after using it the first time. It will make the writing sound cleaner.

There are a few punctuation errors I caught throughout the piece, but nothing major. All in all, I am very impressed and would love to read the next chapter of this story. I'm going to follow you on YWS so I can read it when you do! Always keep writing! And remember, the most important thing is that you like your writing. It doesn't matter what I or anybody else thinks as long as you are content. What I wrote is just a bunch of suggestions.

Always keep writing!

-Rose

Big sis!!!!

Well, I was really happy reading this. There are no grammar mistakes as far as I can see! I said your english is improving! And if I didn't know english was your second language I would've assumed it was your first.

Well, I think your story writing is better than mine. I loved your details. They helped me portray a beautiful image in my mind. I just wondered if I am right on this fact:

-Guinevere is a witch

I didn't quite understand why Edward is so scared of George. Is it only because he killed King Uber?

Apart from that little hiccup I loved reading this and I cannot wait to hear more from this novel! Let me know when the next chapter comes out!

Hey Adriana sister ^^ I have a few corrections if I can find it haha

Chapter 1 - Edward

It was sunset in the glorious city of Summerfell and even the birds could feel the anticipation growing as the time passed. On a normal day, people would still be out of their houses, maybe coming back from the market, children would be playing on the street, under the surveillance of their mothers. But not today, not with the king’s court arriving soon.

Lord Edward Barion, just like the common citizens of Summerfell, felt his heart beating faster and faster at each tick of the clock. What on Earth could bring George to this small city?

It was no secret that, a long time ago, Edward and George had joined forces to take the throne from king Uber. They had fought against an almost invincible army, with a minimal loss of men, and it took them only two days. The secret, even to Edward, was how they could do it. He could still remember how George had been missing for at least four hours, and how, after that, he had appeared at the castle’s highest window carrying Uber’s head like a trophy. Edward could still remember George’s expression of triumph as he lifted the head and laughed without any shadow of shame.

“My lord, you should be calm.”

He had almost forgotten Guinevere was there. She walked to him, her white dress so light that made her appear to be floating. Once more, Edward admired his wife’s beauty, not capable of being immune to it after fifteen years of marriage. Guinevere put his hand on his face, her sweet smell invading him, calming him.
I think you meant her hand to his face. Not his. ^^
“More than once you gave me proof of your bravery”, she said, “I’m asking you to do that one more time.”

“Damn you witch”, Edward smiled as he felt his body slowly relaxing while she breathed on him. He could feel his blood pulse coming back to normal, his legs weaker, and his head lighter.

Smiling, Guinevere took himto chair. Edward looked at her and thanked with a nod, weak even to speak a word. I am sure you mean to have to between him and chair ^^

“Come in, Maria”, said Guinevere all of a sudden.

Of course she would know, thought Edward suppressing a smile as the slave woman entered the room. Maybe Italics the thoughts so you can easily separate between thoughts and spoken words.

“Lady Barion, little Anna is anxious to come to you. Should I bring her?”

“Of course”, said Guinevere with a nod and a lovely smile.

“It is better to take off this look on your face, or Anna is going to be worried about you”, said Guinevere after the slave left, “you look like you are going to fall from the chair.”

Edward found the strength to lift his head to her and the room seemed to be spinning.

“You exaggerated this time, my lady. Seriously, I really feel like am going to fall.”

And then Guinevere did one of the things he liked the most. She started to sing. As the strange words came out of her mouth, the air itself seemed to change, it became lighter, maybe easier to breathe. And then the walls came back to their places and he felt he could even stand up if he tried to.

Edward lifted his head and saw Guinevere smiling. She knew what was going on his mind right now. What he wanted to do.

“Remember Anna is coming”, she said. But she couldn’t resist as he went down on his knees and kissed her right hand.

“I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t around, my dear wife”.

The door opened with a bang and a hurricane seemed to come in as little Anna ran through the room.

Guinevere lifted his head, not even trying to hide the tears that were running down her beautiful face. “And here is my little princess”, she said, opening her arms and smiling gracefully.

Edward took a step back, admiring his adorable family. Like her mother, Anna had dark hair, white skin, lovely green eyes and a supernatural sweetness that made her capable of getting anything from anyone.

“Mommy”, she was saying, already in Guinevere’s arms, “Lizzy said she won’t let me play with her new doll and Ben and Frederick are arguing again about swords”

“And little Anna entered the room without a shade of the manners her mother spent years teaching her”, completed Edward.

Anna’s neck was suddenly red, what always happened when she was under a strong emotion. She could stare at her father’s face for a moment, and Edward knew she was trying to understand what she did wrong.

“Don’t worry, child”, he smiled, “but from today on, you must remember to behave properly. You know the king will be staying here with us for a few days.”

“Why is he coming, dad?” asked the girl after a few seconds, finally looking him in the eyes.

That was he question that bothered him. Why was George coming?

“He is here, my lord” said Guinevere.

And of course she would know that too. Edward felt a sudden urge of panic running through his body like an electrical shock. He breathed slowly and brought to his mind the sound of Guinevere’s song.

Another knock at the door and Master Ludwig came in.

“The king is a few minutes away, lord Barion.”

Edward looked at his wife’s face trying to find some peace in her eyes. “Will you help me?” he asked weekly. I think it meant to be weakly.

“Always, my lord” answered Guinevere taking his hand. And then, for the third time in the day, Edward felt his emotions changing. All the fear was gone.

Ariana my sister you did amazing even though you aren't a native English! *hugs* I loved love loved this darling <3 I can't wait to read more and I can't really say anything else but I hope this helps. Good lucks ^^

I liked the beginning, really nicely done. I still do not believe that English is your second langauge. I cannot wait to read the next chapter.