Young Writers Society

The Warrior who cried.

her name was Hikari Tomidachi, She was a child of the Heavenly Light. She was in war with both herself and the world. Darkness was sure to surround her and no matter how hard she fought It would seem useless. She stood there as a child with nothing but doubt in her heart. She could not handle what was ahead of her.

She believed she had lost everything. What she loved the most was gone, and the world of darkness would devour her soul. Only for the purpose that it would take control of her, and everything else. A brave child she was. A warrior sought to be heard. She was the only warrior, with the only cry for justice, peace, and understanding.

She lay with her head down, oh child of mine come forth. Breath hope and the ray of glory will shine within your mind. She looks up in the air and she whispers a word. The moment had finally arrived and like an army of soldiers the darkness charged at her like a herd of black mist. She lifted her sword and with all the power within she had faught.

Overwhelmed the darkness had to dissapate for they knew not the true strength of a warrior. She was heard, she bled, she shed..
She was the warrior who cried.

Hi there yumiyume.

I'm not sure exactly what this is - it's not really a sketch but perhaps the length of. I'd like to call it a vignette but on loose terms. Because it's so short, there isn't a whole lot to be said ... but in saying that, let's see what we can do!

First off, most, if not all, of your sentences are very abrupt and sudden. There are no words that link ideas together and thus you have so many opportunities to do this. Perhaps you were going for more choppy lines to have a better impression on the audience. Sometimes that works but often not all the time and only in specific types of writing. In this case, I really encourage you write more fluidly without so many stops. Below, in the quote, I've taken a random two sentences from this short story (summary? description?) and joined them together:

A brave child she was and warrior sought to be heard.

It is clearly definitely not the best example out there, but it is only to guide you in the right direction. I hope you understand what I am trying to get at. Various other ways to join sentences can be with punctuation as well, but you must be sure to avoid comma splices and the like. Semi-colons are sometimes useful in certain cases.

Another issue that I noticed was that your wording became often jumbled and confusing.

and no matter how hard she fought It would seem useless.

Do you mean: and no matter how hard she fought, it would seem useless. It is so crucial to include correct punctuation as missing commas or periods or other types of punctuation can really change the meaning of something. For example, if one typed After eating, Ralph without a comma, it would obviously have a much different meaning. Such is the case with your above line - but still slightly different (nonetheless the same).

As a sidenote, I found the below quoted line rather awkward and weird to read:

She lay with her head down, oh child of mine come forth.

It suddenly switches narrators almost and it hardly makes sense. What were you trying to write here?

Yours,
Lavvie

to be honest, It was just something so randomly put together all i did was put it on a site hoping people would like it!
Im sorry, I know my punctuation isnt the best probably because i just did it in a rush. I cant really explain to you what most of anything means in it but im glad you were the first to put me in my place about how bad it was xD

I got alittle nervous and offended reading your review at first but then i was like "Oh well, I knew it was nothing special anyway!" thanks for your feedback you make me want to do better!

Wow! Hi there yumiyume!

I think I know exactly what this story is about. A dissident. Normally, warriors do not stand up for justice, peace or understanding. They just fight. And I loved this!

The way you wrote it is beautiful, actually, while reading it, thought it would be great if you bend the sentences and transform it into narrative poetry<3333 I believe you have the talent to do so. Though, I like the fact that this is a story instead, but there are some missing commas, especially in the first paragraph. And every sentence should start with uppercase, I bet you knew that, just correct the first one. But this is very, very awesome!

Keep writing!

~Solly<3

I loved the intro. The scene is amazingly clear and epic. I'm guessing this isn't a literal warrior and the true story is a girl faceing the darkness in her life. Either one its great. The words you use to describe are great. I loved the flow. I would have to give this a 4/5. Thank you for the good read.